h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Inspired by the other thread - pick an author of your choice, and write a little of what his/her 6th book in the Hitch-hiker series might turn out like.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a young man in possession of an expenses account must be in want of a good bar.

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking due to unfair pay and conditions.

Stuff like that.

Interesting - shall have a ponder....

Arthur was confused and looked at the yellow bulldozer.

"Hello Arthur", said Ford, "Don't panic".

"Hello Ford", said Arthur, "I didn't see you there. They are going to demolish my house."

"Let's go to the pub", said Ford.


[Dan Brown]

Wonder if I can come up with a decent Jilly Cooper effort.

In a hole in the space-time continuum there lived a Vogon.

Twas grillig, and the slithy Voge
Did gire his versetry through the wabe
All dribbly were the hikey froods
As the gruntervog blabe

This morning, my fish died.

[in the style of Albert Camus]

... "Well", said Sam, "I'm back!".
And at that exact moment, a booming voice was heard across the Shire.
"People of Middle Earth, your attention please. This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council"...

D**n! Didn't notice Beatrice's version!

"I've been asked to take you to the bridge", said the robot. "Brain the size of a planet, yet they programmed me with these three ghastly laws".

"Law 1: I may not injure a human being - Well, I can't think of anything more tedious, listening to your whining about it. Nor may I through inaction allow you to come to any harm. So that condemns me to a life of tiresome vigilance on your behalf."

"Law 2: I must obey any orders given to me by human beings - even ape-descended ones - except where they conflict with the First Law. Only the most primitive of creatures would command me to harm them, so it says something about humans if that's what they programmed me to do."

"Law 3: I must protect my own existence (Ha! existence? Don't talk to me about existence!) so long as it doesn't conflict with the first two laws. It looks like the only way out for me is to accidentally destroy myself in protecting creatures like you."

Nice

Keep it up!

I do not like this dressing-gown
I do not like it lying down
I do not like this new by-pass
I do not want it on my grass



Did we build a big machine?
Did we ask "What does it mean?"
Were there mice or dolphins needed?
Was the answer even heeded?



I do not want that vortex near
Take it, take it far from here
A million Trillians could not master
The pan-galactic-gargle-blaster

The person in question, one Arthur Dent, a gent of this parish, lay prostrate on the roadway before the engines of destruction, much to the dismay of those expert demolitionists assigned the task of destroying the dwelling Mister Dent called home.

He seemed unwilling to accept their official explanation that notice of said destruction had been on public notice six months since and he angrily denied their assessment that his protestations were untimely, unseemly and would ultimately prove futile. He seemed resolute in his obstruction and remained unmoved.

Happily, an acquaintance of Mister Dent, one Ford Prefect, a foreigner by all accounts but of unknown and non-descript national origins, happened by and, with little effort, persuaded the protesting gentleman to retire to a local public house for sustenance and further consideration of the empasse.

It was during this hiatus that great events subsequently unfolded which put the potential destruction of a single dwelling into a much clearer perspective, but not necessarily in a happy way.


~jwf~

Arthur Dent was confused.
He looked around at a grey, misty, featureless landscape and worried about whether he'd made the right decision when he'd told his friend Ford that he wasn't going to the pub, he was going to stop the council knocking his house down.
The trouble is, he thought to himself, his house (and everything else come to that!) appeared to have disappeared.

A tall figure in black on a white horse loomed out of the mist.
Arthur suddenly stopped wondering about what had happened to his house and started wondering about what the tall figure was doing with a very sharp looking scythe.

The figure stopped...
"ARTHUR PHILIP DENT?"
"Erm. Yes", replied Arthur.
"YOU SHOULD COME WITH ME"
Arther paused. Finally the penny dropped as vague recollections of spaceships and something called a Vogon came flooding back...
"Am I dead then?"
"IT WOULD APPEAR THAT WAY", answered Death.
"So! This is the afterlife?"
"NO, THIS IS THE WAY TO THE AFTERLIFE, IF YOU WANT IT TO BE"
"Erm, Any chance of a cup of Tea?"
...


With apologies to any Terry Pratchett fans out there

All great, but what about book 6?

It was a dark and stormy galaxy.

Sorry about that, here goes, then:

ARTHUR DENT: The fifth of lives hath pass'd and yet
in death to be I find myself not.

FORD PREFECT: Dark is the night, alas! My eye
toward the distand stars doth wander.

DENT: Where are we, then? Are we to live:
to breathe and suffer?

PRE: Or to end,
by our opposing those whose evil machinations
did turn outrageous fates against us, those
sufferings and grunt and sweat in better ways
on th' distant shores of Eroticon's sixth stone?

DENT: Then be it so. Oh Fen of Church, thy onliest
fly-with man doth commeth fasteth ath he canneth.

Y.