h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It was a sticky Saratoga summer day when she sashayed sweatily into my office downtown by the quay, slipping into my cheap vinyl chair and fixing me with a sultry stare as she sleazily swept one nylon clad and shapely leg over the other and said "Bugger me my lovely, but I be hotter than an oggie in a microwave I be", in a swarthy Somerset accent.

Great alliteration, SWL.

wibble-wibble-wibble-umph
Boogly-boo-bum-wriggle
Yo-ho-toodle-dum-brr-brr-crash
Wooky-nooky-giggle.

Something really didn't bode well that morning. It began with the leaky tea bag but she finally cottoned on when the chemist had run out of corn plasters.

He awoke with a start, another fine start to another fine day, "God! I hate California" he thought to himself.

"Elephants...I detect elephants" muttered Steve to himself as he entered the elephant enclosure with his bucket and shovel.

RF

The sun rose spitefully over the trees and begrugingly dawn broke, to a overwhelming apathy from the local avian population, satiated on the motorway lights.

They met outside the cinema complex on a Friday night. It was weird how different he looked without that apron he wore in the chippy, and his hair definitely looked better hidden under the grey hoodie. As he put his arm around her during the film she got a faint whiff of battered haddock and pickled eggs. Shame she thought afterwards that he couldn't keep his promise of a large portion.

When they left the cinema, " it was a dark and stormy night". Rain washed down the disgusting smell. And the wind made his hair flutter like silk. Metamorphosis! Serendipity! Before her eyes a new man, scented with manly smell of rained earth; with bright enrapturing eyes... A man, a real gorgeous one!

Shouldn't men be...uh, handsome?

Loonycat, I love your story, and Mar's continuation. Please go on!!

Simon picked up the present, wrapped in gold foil, and opened it to find a bottle of his favorite aftershave, as he sprayed Michelle laughed; he had inhaled the poison.

Or... as a mum...

Tracey hide behind the desk as the writer of children's television entered the room, he would pay for all those hours of torment he had forced upon her.

Hmmm, I appear to be in a murderous mood today...

They continued to meet on a casual basis - the odd skate boarding session in the park, tea and scones at the Ritz, that sort of thing. Suddenly one Sunday he announced, "Come and meet mother". It was with some trepidation that she clambered through the barbed wired fence and approached the house.

"Hello Clarisse" said mother, dribbling delicately on the duvet. "It's so nice when my son brings a girl home for dinner".

Clarisse's sharp intake of breath was drowned out by the moonlight but he could see it in his ears nonetheless.

"You told me she'd changed," said Clarisse to her brother.

Can this story sink any lower?

She glanced around the room - the same clock sat ticking on the mantle piece alongside photos of her and her brother in the hideous clothes of their childhood. The stuffed parrot in the corner stared at her with it's glassy eye, as did her mother.

Dust fell slowly from the chandelier and added itself to the dust that father had become in the bed alongside mother.

Only dust, the image of her father was a lump of dusty memories laying on the bed, next to her. He had spent his last years taking care of her. He was a kind of slave. She never believed her illness, her constant indisposition, her endless raucous laments. She told her once: " You are pretending, mother, stop it. Get up, move yourself to feel your blood, live your live and let us live ours, stop chastising us please" She remembered the rage of her mother, her spite. All the energy she lacked to live every day was poured down over her like a storm of bile.

She smiled again,-Clarisse, dear, won´t you sit by me?

Clarisse looked at the crystal eye. She couldn´t stand looking directly to the other one.

Clarisse hadn't been able to stand for years, not since that fateful morn when her father had fallen asleep at the wheel. She was waiting for him on the drive and it all seemed to happen in slow motion as the milkfloat crushed her legs.

How she cursed her wheelchair! As if reading her thoughts, Clarisse's brother lifted her gently on to the bed beside her mother.

They glared at one another for seemed an eternity then mother croaked "go and fix us a drink boy". Cedric headed for the drawing room to find the old mahogany drinks cabinet was inches deep in dust, the contents barely visible through the glass. He took out two glasses and a bottle of Plymouth gin.

Grinning wickedly he poured the drinks, adding a liberal sprinkling of cyanide to each.