h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I don't think it's an affair. But I'm not BB's wife. And I would class this as being unfaithful if my own DH confessed to something similar.

Infidelity doesn't wreck marriages. Finding out about it does. Don't tell her.

After all, if you need some additional logic for this, presumably once upon a time Mrs BB was your chosen companion for similarly intimate fumbling. And, further back, before Mrs BB arrived in your life, there were probably other fumbling partners. I don't suppose you've told Mrs BB about them, because they don't matter: she does, because she's the one you chose to commit yourself to.

You've just made that choice again. But this time, without the bells and cake; this time, she might not even know you made it. So there is no need to explain *how* you made it (ie, by fumbling with the wrong person and realising your mistake). It doesn't matter. Mrs BB does.

I think you need to be prepared for what to say if she finds out, though (eg if now ex-girlfriend decides to helpfully tell her). My own experience with DH ... he dismissed my concerns at the time I raised them, and it was six months of agony later (during which our relationship deteriorated beyond belief) that the truth emerged, after an honest email discussion between us (email was useful for this as it allowed us to say exactly what we meant, and think carefully about what we were both saying before saying it, thus avoiding any emotional distractions or misunderstandings). And I have to say that when the truth did emerge, it was nothing compared to what I'd imagined, and DH was probably quite right, in one sense, to have been dismissive - but it would have been a whole lot more helpful, and less painful, if he'd been honest at the time he was caught out. I think ...

As for the girlfriend ... surely what you tell her now depends on what you've already told her?

Mol

You may feel the need to tell her to ease your guilt. But she won't feel better for it, and neither will you. Its your guilt and you need to keep it to yourself, thats one of the costs of playing away.

My situation is different, but that is because I am cool with sexual infidelity, and would be quite nosy about it! You know whether your wife has the same feelings as me. If she is the type of person to invite the girlfriend round for a meal and a giggle and a comparison of sexual techniques, cool, but I doubt she is. So keep stumm.

he hard-won wisdom in this post of Mol's humbles me.

>> Infidelity doesn't wreck marriages. Finding out about it does. Don't tell her.

These words should be written in letters of fire 30' high.

They actually cut both ways my dears. Not only should you not tell, but you should never *ever* ask.



>> (email was useful for this as it allowed us to say exactly what we meant, and think carefully about what we were both saying before saying it, thus avoiding any emotional distractions or misunderstandings)

Oh, so true. So *incredibly* true.

The quality of communication varies from medium to medium. If talking doesn't work, try writing.

Thanks for reminding me of that, Mol.


Um. Bb. Do have the courtesy to talk to your soon to be ex g/f about it. I worry about her, and the worse you handle it the more likely she is to boil your . It ain't over yet hon.


B

>> Its your guilt and you need to keep it to yourself, thats one of the costs of playing away.



More letters of fire 30' high.

B

Thanks to you all for some very grateful advice. I won't be confessing all to mrs BB, I really don't know how she would take it but, I think that at the moment she would say she did'nt care what I did but tell me to clear off out of her life to do it. Things aint too good at home folks and although Mrs BB does'nt have a clue about g/f things have deteriorated since I met her. I say she does'nt have a clue because in recent arguments, she has never asked about or mentioned even a suspicion along the lines of am I seeing anyone else.
I think that we can get back to normal but still have the problem of how to tell the young lady.Bilbobilbo

BB you need to just bite the bullet and make a decision and stick to it.

It's obvious that you love your wife, even though............you know....

I've been in a relationship for nearly 11 years...not married yet. My eyes wonder occasionally, but I would never dream of partnering up with someone else, whether it be permanent or temporary.

You and your wife need to sort out a few things. Find out why your relationship is failing. Have an all out slanging match if needs be, but you've got to get to the bottom of it, or else, it will slip out of your hands and leave you for good.

My opinion....stick with your wife. You've done it of 27 odd years (that's nearly as old as I am). Think back to the reasons *why* you got together in the first place...what attracted you to her...what would you do *without* her.

At the end of the day, these are your decisions alone, but I think from the balance of this thread, everyones suggesting you go back and enjoy the company of your wife.



VV

>> although Mrs BB does'nt have a clue about g/f things have deteriorated since I met her.

I am going to direct you to post 305: F19585?thread=433236&skip=300&show=20#p5637814

She knows, Bilbobilbo. She doesn't know *what* she knows, but she knows.

Years ago, when I was young and sweet and naive and lovely, I thought that I would rather know 'the truth' than be decieved.

These days I would rather be decieved than be hurt.

She knows but if she asks, keep your secret tight.

Instead your challenge is to rebuild your marriage with the wonderful woman you married. As I have already said: I think the fundamental rule for the man is to protect his wife, to think about her, to actually still love and respect her.

Go back through this thread and read every single one of Galaxy Babe's posts and start dating your wife again.

The reason GB and I and Kaz and Mol and Kerr and all the other wise and experienced women in this thread are saying what we are saying is that one way or the other we have been there, and we know what we are talking about.

Good luck. You can still do it, you know.

Ben

Bilbobilbo, so far my post may appear to be hard on you, comes from a personal comtempt of adultry after seeing what it can do to people.

Your choice not to tell 'her in doors' fair enough, no need to destroy Mrs BB, telling her could and any future relationship she may have.

Yes she may have... Bilbobilbo are you happy really happy? You've stuck it for so long, but is Mrs BB killing you're spirit, with no end in sight to the sad life? If so would you be better off out of that relationship, free to do what you want?

It's a fair question Jab

But a dangerous one.

Jab, you appear to be wanting it both ways:

>> my post... comes from a personal comtempt of adultry after seeing what it can do to people.

(Incidentally, given that one in twenty children in British classrooms are not genetically related to the men whose names are entered as their father on their birth certificates I would suggest that there are many many more successful affairs that do not cause pain than unsuccessful ones which do. Hell, my personal stats are pretty bloody good there).

But then you ask:

>> Bilbobilbo are you happy really happy? You've stuck it for so long, but ...

Given that Bilbobilbo has said repeatedly that he loves his wife, and given that 27 years is one hell of an achievement, wouldn't it be massively more constructive to ask 'what is the best way of strenghthening what you have, or rebuilding what needs to be rebuilt and of discovering the woman that your wife has become and the man that you now are after 27 years of marriage?'

As I said - I suggest that Bilbobilbo re-reads every single one of Galaxy Babe's posts in this thread, and learns from the pain she has so generously laid bare.

Ben

I also suggest he and she consider professional counselling from Relate.

B

I've only been with moonglum 8 years, but last year I realised I wasn't sure whether I still loved him. I realised that maybe the first flush had gone and I had a decision to make. I thought about our past, our future plans and realised that yes, even if the love didn't come naturally for a while, it was worth a chance.

Now we have entered a whole new relationship, more relaxed and fun, with more realistic expectations, we take the piss out of each other a lot more as well. We have learned to laugh togather again and found a whole new love together.

Buy some comedy videos/dvds is my advice. Relax and let the love rebuild. It also doesn't look as guilty as flowers and chocs!

Although if chocs are her thing, may I recommend the rum raisons from hotelchocolate dot com?!

Kaz, that is the best description of re-discovery within a relationship that I have ever read, and I find myself wondering what would have happened if I had read it 10 years ago.

The comedy videos advice is too!

Ben

Hmmm, you are in bit of a pickle....

We have all had 'ideas' about people that are somehow not accessible to us -- they are much younger/older, they don't like us, we are married, whatever. But if these 'ideas' get put into practise, it almost always has consequences ranging from bad to worse.

The thing is, you haven't put anything in practise yet (I hope), and it seems unlikely that you will, given that you must hav a fair concept of how to make a relationship work after 27 years of (presumably not terrible) marriage.

But -- you can't stop thinking about her, can't wait to see her? This isn't the best situation either. If you feel this way:

first things first, my sympathy goes out to you, it always hurts to have these feelings and be unable to act on them.

secondly: you have to do something about it -- these are the feelings that end up growing into something that can't be controlled.

My recommendations:
1) Tell the lady in question how you feel, but don't give a lot of detail. Say something like "I quite like you, and your attention is very flattering, but I'm not available right now. I don't want to hurt your feelings at a later stage, so how about we agree to keep things strictly business?"

2) Give some attention to the relationship with your partner. BUT, if you don't ever plan to act on your feelings to this woman, DON'T mention them to your wife. That will only hurt and not help. Perhaps you could take your wife out to dinner or do some of those things you've dreamed about with her instead. Then you can have your "last opportunity" with your wife and be secure in the knowledge that your last flames of passion weren't spent causing yourself and her a whole lot of trouble.

Hope this helps, and forgive me if I sound a bit of a pratt, I find this issue very serious, and I feel really sorry for you, but you've got to act now before things get worse if you want to come out of this without major hassles later.

Ami of zx

Jumped in at the wrong point with my reply there! Feel free to discount what I've said, but listen to everyone else, they're giving some excellent advice!

Good luck to you in trying to repair a bad situation

Ami of zx

Meanwhile, I cannot help but feel very grateful that I am not Mrs. Bilbo.

Bilbo - grow up already, you know?

And I do not believe that you LOVE your wife.

If you did, you would not have done what you did. Plain and simple.


az

I'd expect the last question I put is not an easy to admit it's being thought out. Could be such a *life changing* one, any distraction will do to avoid looking for an answer, even *young miss*?


Now there are some that will argue about wanting it both ways, that is not what I, me, personally would mean at all... The saftey of the known, and the anticipation of the new, not so bad when talking about a thing, bit different when about a person. *Don't fix what ain't broke.* But why keep the unfixable? It's on or the other?


Hey Bilbobilbo, just to throw you another curve, how you fixed for retirement, with 'her in doors' and you nice and cosy? As a relative put it: "Your life's not your own anymore."


Why have I worded the above so, is to ask are you asking yourself BB about another 30 or so years, can you cope with that?

This post has been removed.

To be honest, this petty tale of infidelity, whether true or not (remember Bilbo previously told us he had made it all up) is just getting too boring for words.

I don't care anymore.

Too bad for his wife.

Whatever.




az

Regard post: 458. It was me that used the yikes, to seek an advisement on the post.