h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Not a good tip this one, but i couldn't stop laughing when it happened.

Some people at work were talking about a new girl here, saying how she was doing really well and working so hard staying behind after work and such.

And i was sat there, trying to get the elastic bands on a folder straight and tidy

Tip #1. Place a cuppa on your desk, leave it, I mean _forever_. 'Helpful' nice types *have* to tell you "You've not drunk your tea!" - Reply "yea, just have to finish something first." Grab a pen, jotter an head for the stock room.

However on the way there pop into the kitchen, remember only ever to drink in the kitchen, standing-up. It's amazing how the association of a hive of activity can rub off.)

So now your the person with no time to waste sitting about 'supping tea', yet are social enough to try and find time for others.

#2. Request a new pen from the pen troll, (yep it's universal £ n Million of stock to "play with" and you have to have somebody stand next to you when collecting a 9 pence biro!) at least one every fornight. Even if you don't need one, you do, if you get me.

#3. Never be late, or a 'clock watcher' but don't be shy about claiming overtime. After all the internal/external mail you are reading is work related. Well it from work collegues, how was you to know it was about arragements for cinema/pub-lunch.

#4. Now again 'threaten' to take Friday afternoon off. As the thought of the Friady rush is getting a bit much for your stress levels.

#5. Fill your desk drawer returned stuff, that is bulky, has no value, old hardrives or ISA cards are good for this. Looks like your doing tech support for the retuns dept. just like they are always begging for.

#6. Find a spare phone socket, (you need to be a t a level that you decide where your desk is) and make use of something that was redundant in effect, yet rental paid for. Accounts think your a hero for saving money??? Now you have a direct line for customer support. Decide fax support more productive. Only the most ardent customer will bother you. They *are* the ones to action anyway. Be direct with them, and...

#7. Pin-up thankyou letters from 'customers' remember to create fresh ones, best if workmates do it for each other, then the writing style looks differnt. This keeps the printer busy, plus the photocopier, and laser origionals must not be used.

#8. Stick post-it notes in magazines, for price reference. You become 'on the ball' as if by magic. Plus you may find the odd bargain/reason to get a surplier to do a deal for yourself.

#9. Do work - wait... Yea create stock codes, sales orders, purchase orders. But for the stuff you want. Provided you wo** er attend a place that deals with things you use, or has acces to suppliers.

#10. With the pen and jotter, go and check stock on the shelf. It's amazing how long you can stop and stare at shelves. You may even be one of the gifted... Be able to sleep with your eyes open. - A practice "white van drivers" often forget to leave at the depot.

#11. In summer, set-up with others to do the 'buttie-run' since you "have no time to go yoursefl".

#12. By now 2 years have passed, you need to request a new keyboard, as yours has worn out. Mice die too. So hold onto your old keyboard and mouse during upgrades or they will never fail.

#13. Be the one to notice how there is never any paper in the printer, not saying you do anything about it, but notice it.

#14. From time to time place a software package on your desk, right where *they* like to pile stuff.

#15. Disable any screensavers. It's not your screen, so who cares if has an image of Excel burned onto it for all time. Plus if the screen never is in saver mode, and you are away from your desk, you must have been busy quite recently, and *they* just missed you.... Ah but you have not had time to drink your tea!

#16. Have two desk. One for admin, and one for the practical stuff. Alterate between one and the other being tidy and real cluttered. Then *they* can't work out which philosophy you follow. A bust desk, a busy person or a tidy (apart from a few jobs awaiting stock - their fault not yours) desk a tidy follows management guru BS type, for fresh start each day.

Just a few notes made over the years, of people at w*rk.

I think...i think, you may be a genius!

You should give lectures on this stuff!

I can't beat that one, although I did spend two and a half days this week doing a report that I could have done in about 90 minutes... but it has to look *just right*.

Unable to beat that list

Thanks to Jab's list I may never work again! (And still get paid)

Most of my colleagues stay in their chairs and propell themselves about to files or water cooler and so. I Get up up out of the chair and walk. It takes longer and I can in a superior voice say I'm saving wear and tear on the chair, and keeping fit by walking, also accuse them of being lazy.

I wonder why this thread keeps popping up just after lunch on Fridays?

Damn! We've been sussed. Scarper quick

Scowling and scrolling through things really fast is one of my favourite things it looks good if you are quite close to the screen!! Typing extremely fast and pausing every so often to massage your neck.Muttering things however always makes you look mad even in the workplace.

Genius! You guys are top value!
I'm back at uni again, so I'm short on ways to waste time between lectures, but my e-mails are pretty well checked... and I'm getting more 'research' done on h2g2 this week than I had in the last six months...

Well done Jab, I'm going to have to take notes.

Pretending to be concentrating very hard. I set up the Jelly Baby Debate on askh2g2. How do you feel about Jelly Babies?

I hate the buggers!

Comments to the jelly baby debate. please.

Has it really been over a year since the last posting on this thread?

I was only thinking of this thread the other day. I couldn't be bothered to search for it so just put a link about avoiding work safely in my journal

http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/accessories/76ed/

Become the evil overlord (or underling if your boss is technically the overlord) of your computer network. That way any time you spend on the computer or even surfing the web is seen as work. If anyone suspects otherwise, change their password to something totally random so it appears like they've forgotten what it was.

Make it look though thatt it's your boss that is making you evil against your will, that way others will have sympathy for you, and do things for you like get you cups of tea.

Get the lid of a 5 ream box of A4 paper, label it "OUT", and just fill it with scrap paper, waste prinhtouts, etc. Also sprawl the rest of your work over the desk but keep the computer area faiirly clear. You'll look busy but efficient. Finish the scene off with a few trade magazines,with post-its stuck on a couple of pages saying things like "next big thing", "obsolete already", "get quote", and so on.

If your job covers more than one site and you get paid travel expenses, always take the slightly more scenic route. Those few extra miles go a long way to that nice little bonus at the end of the month. This is doubly true if you've got a very fuel efficient car (£30 a month on a tank of fuel compared to £100 a month on travel expenses. No contest really).