h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I demand my right to be equally pressed.

(^)(^)(^)

(Psst. Where's the down-pointing one?)

Try turning the keyboard 180. I bet you'll see it then although I don't think it'll make much difference.

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(¤Y¤Y¤)

Aha. That's what the Stones meant by get ya yaya's out!

O press me. Ya.

Nah... I think you're the ones being defensive. Like if the moccassin DOESN'T fit you don't need to wear it ok? But if it does... well? Try not to chew on it so much ok?

You can call me Lil btw. It'll save keystrokes... not that you're exactly burning up the keyboard now laying insightful bilge on us. It always easier to heckle somebody else than to put out your own material right?

So heckle on guys!!! I love it... especially Sharky's. Did you know that Kevin Bacon once dated the Beverly Hills Madam? Neither did I.

Oh yeah... my youngest kid tells me Africa is composed mostly of animals like rhinos but then he's only 4 and doesn't understand Globalization yet. But does anybody?

Which kind of reminds me that it shouldn't be a stretch to figure why a topic like this might inevitably end up with a little guy bashing every now and then. Like I'm sure none of the guys tell jokes like...

'Hey did ya hear the one about the hooker?'

Well... yeah... I did... and the other one too... and also the one after that... and... but guys never seem to have heard any of them before ya know?

But you get it now right?

So this isn't a joke although I bet alot of people might think it's sort of funny.

So one night at the Notell Motel there's this big bust going on with cop cars everywhere and one of the johns is sitting in the back of a cop car getting 'interrogated' while the chic's standing out in the cold in her slinky robe handcuffed and stuff. And the car door's open so you can hear what's going on.

Cop... 'So let me get this straight... you're saying the woman's a sex therapist friend of your sisterinlaw right?'

John... 'Well... yeah... that's what my sisterinlaw told me... that she's a sex therapist and I was thinking... well... I gotta do something about me and Marge... that's my wife... and you don't need to tell her about this ok? Because we got kids... so how was I to know that chic was really a hooker?'

Cop... 'She says you offered her 20 bucks for a hummer at the bus stop. Do you routinely make appointments with sex therapists at bus stops?'

John... 'Uh... well look... I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding ok? Can't we work something out officer?'

Cop... 'Ok sir... this is the deal... if you take care of this ticket... show up for court... there's really no reason why I would need to contact your wife or employer... however if you don't show up then a warrant will be issued for your arrest. Do you understand?'

John... 'Yes sir... I understand... thank you officer. I could tell when you first introduced yourself that you were a credit to the police service and I've always supported the police... why last week I bought 4 tickets to the policeman's ball... '

Cop... 'Yeah I know sir and we appreciate your support. Now just sign the bottom of the ticket. You are not admitting guilt... only acknowledging that you'll take care of this matter as directed on the reverse of the ticket. Any questions?'

John... 'Uh... no... thank you... can I go now?'

Cop... 'Yeah... you can go now. And try to drive safely ok?'

John... 'Yeah... sure... gotta watch those buses right? It's joke ok?'

Cop... 'Yeah... pretty funny. See ya around.'

The cop then gets out of the car and walks over to the hooker.

Cop... 'Ok Monica or is it Suzy this week?'

Hooker... 'You know Monica's fine Eddie... '

Cop... 'That's Officer Renati to you Monica.'

Hooker... 'Sure Eddie... Officer Renati... whatever you say.'

Cop... 'So do you recall how we had this little conversation last week?'

Hooker... 'Uh... yeah I guess... but it's been a pretty lean week Eddie... tips have been kinda off and stuff.'

Cop... 'Save it for the judge Monica. Now get in the car and we'll maybe even get you processed before the end shift if you cooperate and that would make me really happy Monica... to be able to go home early for change. You understand?'

Hooker... 'Sure Eddie... can I call my lawyer now?'

Cop... 'You better do it from the station Monica.'

Hooker... 'Yeah... ok... that's cool. And can you like take the cuffs off? I can't feel my fingers ya know? And I promise I won't make no trouble for ya.'

Cop... 'The cuffs are staying put Monica... for your safey as well as mine. Now get in the car.'

Hooker... 'Ok Eddie and thanks for being so sweet about stuff.'

Cop... 'Well you're learning Monica... slow but sure. Now isn't this better than shooting off your mouth?'

Hooker... 'Yeah it's better Eddie... just like you said.'

Cop... 'Yeah... you're a smart girl Monica. Too bad you're wasting it.'

Hooker... 'Let's just go ok?'

Cop... 'Oh well... some people never learn do they?'

Hooker... 'You're right Eddie... you know you're always right.'

Cop... 'Well if you hungout with the right crowd you'd be right too Monica.'

Hooker... 'Yeah I know... listen these are really starting to hurt my wrists ok?'

Cop... 'Stop acting like I'm wasting your time Monica!'

Hooker... 'Ok Eddie... I'm cool... don't worry about it.'

Cop... 'I'm not Monica... I'm not worried at all... '

lil: I just figured if I wrote part of your name you'd claim I was being demeaning But I think you are still preaching to the converted here.

BTW there's plenty of opression to go around.

Probably...

Well it's just hard to tell ya know? Converted to what? Euros?!!!

And I really doubt there's plenty of oppression to go around or they wouldn't have to concentrate it on certain individuals or groups. On the otherhand, I guess you could say even the oppressors are oppressed in the sense that they just can't work and play well with others unless they can run the show.

But that's a stretch... sort of like the problems rich people claim they have like not having enough fuel for the plane and stuff. Oh no... not the plane!!! That means we'll have to postpone our picnic at Cancun again. Darn!!!!

Anyways... it's not a debate... just trying to score points I guess. Hope you were entertained a little.

Scoring points? How many do I get? I was repressed for a while back there!?

I don't think it count's if it is voluntary.

That's totally unfair. Maybe I should log on as Mina..

MAybe I should think about getting home.

It is 8pm.

Can someone tell me how the scoring system works, the stupid thing based on rounders, I think it goes something like this:

1st base: meeting/dating
2nd base: Kissing
3rd base: Sex
4th base: Marriage
5th base: Children

I have a feeling the above is completly wrong (it involves different types of intercorse, I think), I just want to see how far I got round, then glote about it in front of my friends!!!

Of course it's completely wrong... duh!!! You need to stick with a stupid game you know like the one with the sticky wickets ok?

Then what is it, thats why I was asking, don't need to get all stroppy about it, bread induced item girl!!!

If you're talking about baseball... it's bad enough when you got to translate everybody's different ideas of plain English without having to figure out how sportsjargon fits in... but I give it a try... you get to firstbase by going to bat then making a hit... then running unless you make a home run where the ball goes over the fence... then you sorta trot all the way around the bases... there's 3 plus homeplate... while the fans cheer and your teammates hug you especially if there were already runners on base when you whacked the ball byebye.

So what's this got to do with bread huh? Is that like saying I owe you money or what? And what's 'stroppy' mean anyways? Am I supposed to be insulted or just confused? Because I'm already confused in case you didn't figure that out already.

So if you need a scoring system try this one... for lines guys lay on chics... so you can like lay on the line and she just has to give you the score which you can conveniently decode as follows... and then you both save time and she doesn't have to keep repeating the same comebacks...

1... Oh look at the time. Gotta run... Say hi to your mother for me...
2... You can buy me a coke if you want...
3... Why don't you sit down... after you buy me the coke and an order of hotwings...
4... Make that a beer and nachos... what's your name again?
5... How interesting... I'll take a tequila sunrise with the beer and nachos...
6... No lie? Why don't you move a little closer huh? And have some nachos...
7... Really... and what else do my eyes tell you? Yes... I will have another tequila sunrise thanks...
8... Yeah you can have the next dance... and the one after that too maybe... if you're any good...
9... Hmmm... why don't I sit on your lap for awhile... huh? You got nice hands by the way...
10... Actually you got really nice hands... very expressive... just like your mouth and stuff... so nevermind the lap... let's find a motel...

This can be used at The Wetspot... Luscious Lil's Liar of Liquid Delights...

Seems a tad bit longer than I recalect!!!