h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Get a potty and teach him to use it?

I know what it's like though, my rabbits are rampant little devils, and I have to keep cleaning sperm off the hutch.

Thank you for the ideas, everyone.

Do you have a spare portable TV you wouldn't mind getting a little dirty? Like children, monkeys seem to have a fascination with cartoons and bright, moving things...

If you can find a nice plush "lady monkey" doll, it might concentrate some of the less savoury cleanup activities in one place, too.

I would have thought that your best bet is to create an environment for the Monkey to live in separate from your own. As a short term measure, maybe you could sacrifice a bedroom as a make shift home. You could then ensure that the monkey doesn't destroy any of your stuff and more importantly the monkey doesn't injure itself.

Once you have restored some status quo, you should be able to investigate better options.

I would say to seek advice from your local Zoo or vet. Failing that, there must be some books on the subject.

Hope that helps. Good Luck!

How about watching that Friends episode? What kind of monkey is it exactly, what kind of size? And what did the previous owner do?

I'd also suggest a little monkey doll, but as for TV maybe not a good idea. He'd probably like it, but you could risk him chewing the wires and such.

Oh, and as with children, if you feed him/her/it chocolate etc., you only have yourself to blame for any ensuing hyperactivity...

Merit be in part to all of you, several of the problems have been solved. I've trained the monkey (I don't know what kind it its, but it's bigger than the one on friends) to have sex with a certain pillow and only that. He has a corner of my studio to himself in which to wreak havoc. I set up boxes and things for him to knock down, and it seems to provide a vent for his destructive energy. He uses my cat's litter box when she's not around (he seems to be quite intimidated by little miss Bast).
In all I think we can tolerate each other for the time being.

I'm thinking of getting him a typewriter...

Expecting him to write Shakespeare or something?

Forget the typewriter, get him a PC and introduce him to h2g2 - guaranteed to keep him amused for hours.

Hello everyone.
It would please me much to engage some higher primates in conversation. Tell me many of the interesting things your superior evolution has led you to understand.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pillow to screw.

*spank*

Do you mind Orcus! Some of us are trying to eat.

???

I meant

(as in crying with laughter )

Oh thank goodness.
Didn't want to upset you.

Oo-oh!

Calm down, calm down. Have a cold shower.

There you are, you little rascal. Come here!