h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Due to unforseen, and rather unpleasant curcumstances, I have come into posession of an unruly monkey. This creature has the run of my house as it seems cruel to keep it locked up in a cage or tied up. Unfortunately he (and his sex is confirmed several times a day) is a rambunctious beast with a proclivity for destryoing things and soiling them with various bodily fluids and semisolids.
Does anyone know anything about monkey discipline? Should I spank him? Squirt him with water? Kick him?

Help!

Do not spank the monkey, at least not in public

*picks himself off the floor*

Well, as amusing as your reference to a colloquialism for masturbation may be, it still doesn't prevent my monkey from spanking his little monkey. I desperately want him to stop!

*regains control over himself*

Sounds a pretty normal pet to me. If you don't know how to look after it properly is it wise or fair (on it) to keep it?

The very same circumstances that led to the animal coming into my posession also render it difficult to dispose of it. I'm sort of obligated. Besides, who'd want to take off my hands a horrible little simian that rampantly urinates, defecates, and engages in painful-looking autoerotic activites?

Sorry, but is this just about the strangest request ever made to
Ask the h2g2 Community

(I know, I shouldn't, but I can't help it)




This must be the first time the acronym ROFL is actually appropriate

agreed!

Actually h2g2 has done that to me quite a few times

...but Duncan's comment at the begining has to go down as a classic!

on a more serious note, are you just babysitting it for someone, or have you been left in permanent charge of the creature?

If I was you I'd certainly consider contacting an animal welfare organisation. I doubt this situation can be good for either your sanity or the monkey.

I dare say bribing it with food might be one way to go forward though. It works with most creatures.

As a short term remedy, I've seen TV Docs where monkeys have actually been kept in houses wearing nappies/diapers

on re-reading my last post, I think I should have phrased it a little differently .... when's the last time you saw a house wearing a nappy?

Apologies - I honestly thought this was a wind up.

Contact the BBC and see if you can get them to do one of their "pet psychology" program things on him? Alternatively contact your local zoo - people who work in places like that are usually helpful and animal loving...

I'll just say that I need to care for the monkey for about a month, after which its fate will be out of my hands.
Has anyone here cared for a monkey?

I would be seriously amazed if anyone has... however the comment about monkeys in nappies was genuine, apart from that, as monkeys are in effect, the mental equivalents of very small children, why not treat it like that... that's about the only advise I could give you... If you have to leave it in a room alone, make sure there's nothing in the room it could damage or be injured by and give it plenty of objects to play with.

However, IMO the kindest thing you could do with it would be to hand it over to an Animal Welfare Organisation....

The trouble is, that if the neighbours complain, or someone reports you to the police, you could find yourself being prosecuted for cruelty to animals, even if your intentions were good... (Depending on the country you are in of course)

I need to take care of it. And in order to do this, i need to know the proper way to discipline it.

Well his behaviour sounds fairly similar to my ex-husband. In which case I'd suggest sending him to the pub and hope he pulls and goes him with someone else!!

That, while tempting, would be shrugging off my responsibility. I can't do that. I need to see this through, no matter the cost.

Have you tried giving him some toys to play with? Part of his unruly behaviour might be because he is bored.