h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What interesting friends you have, Ben!

You may have to resort to

"Good grief is that my Aunt Vera over there, must dash, catch you later, Byee!"

Ah, but then you are lying about your Aunt Vera, which brings us to little white lies...

Well, people tell me stuff, and I respect their confidence.
And I do stuff, and want to minimize any potential for damage.

a*cB

There's an option of course not to take the information onboard in the first place.

[Interesting Friend]

Hey, Ben, can I tell you something in the strictest confidence?

[Ben]

Not if it concerns your partner, because I am a friend of his/hers as well, and not if concerns your matriarchal murder plans, because I disapprove.

[Interesting friend]

Well, I can't tell you then.

[Ben]

Damn!

Q: How many lies did it take to screw up my marriage?

A: I'll never know... . . . . . . ?

Oh Pheroneous, I do do that.

But if a friend is in pain, and I can help, then I will help.
Simple as that.

And then there my own personal mess-ups...

a*cB

On the murderer and his mother - It would be different if he asked about MY mother. A definite lie would be given. But HIS mother - I have known some mothers where I not only would have disclosed her location but armed the lad and suggested the action in the first place! So it would depend.
As to relationships, it is usually best, I think, to be honest in what you SAY (except when asnswering things like "Does this dress make me look fat?"), but is often very wise - and also kind - not to say everything you think.
I suspect whatever general policy a person holds he or she will do what feels best at a given moment - I'd much rather say I was not going to be home than to go about explaining that I really liked somebody and I really want to see him/her but tonight I SO want to sit by myself - honesty in this situation usually is interpreted as a hint that I really prefer to avoid the other's company all the time. I think most people respond to things before they even decide what the truth IS, in actual practice...

Interesting views and points that people have made, all very valid.

When it comes to the 'told in confidence' issue then it can be difficult to know what to do. It's a bit unfair that you have been put in such a situation, as by telling the other partner you are betraying your friend having an affair, and by not telling you are betraying the other partner, potentially.

I think I would handle the situation by being honest about the problems I am faced with to the person who told me, and questioning them about the affair, and if they think it is wise, etc.. I would attempt to not deceive the other partner, by not downright lieing and telling them that there is definately no affair happening. However I would like to avoid having to tell them myself, as that is not an ideal circumstance. In answer to a direct question I would try to honestly say, 'I cannot answer that question for you, it is something between you and your partner'.

The two points to remember are a) you don't have to answer a question if you don't want to, you can choose not to respond without saying yes or no and b) when asked to keep a secret be honest at this point, you are not obliged to be completely confidential, even if it is your friend. If someone asks, 'can you keep a secret' or 'can i tell you something in confidence' you can say 'it depends what it is', and only make the promise after you have been told. If they tell you they are going to murder someone you are otherwise stuck.

Just my ideas. Duno how practical they are.

AgcB: I think you friend Ben(coincidence you named him after yourself?) put you in a really tight spot. I would not want to recieve that kind of information. But if I did I would have to say I´d tell Sue. The other guy screwed up and I don´t see I should cover for him, when that makes me betray Sue.

But your action in telling Sue would hurt her.
You place honesty above tact?

"Honesty is the best policy"
"Cheats never prosper"

These from my mother 40+ years ago and then she sends me to a Methodist chapel. I tell you it's a wonder I can hold my head up after this year or so but then again if something feels "right" who's to say it's wrong? God? I'll take my chance with Him when the time comes....

have read the bcklog and can't seem to say anything new, except about your aunt Vera: you could say that you are not actually lying, since you are only asking a question, the nswer to which is "no", though that is another politician thing to do. or you could simply glance at your watch, act alarmed, and then say something like, "oh dear i really should be going, catch you later!" and you *should* be going, since you don't want to be in that awkward posistion. though this could easily lead to damaging speculation.

Xanatic, you missed the point.

Bill and Sue's marriage was shaky, (this was 6 years or so ago), and it is now to all appearances happy and fairly stable.

I was absolutely not prepared to take responsibility for introducing more instability into that mix.

I won't do anything which I think might unstabalise a marriage. (If I think my actions will NOT unstablilise a marriage - well that I have to admit is a different thing).

a stabliser called Ben

I see. But you said that you wasn´t sure he had told her now. That means that here we might have an example of something were honesty wasn´t a good policy. But of course it was also a relationsship.

'That means that here we might have an example of something were honesty wasn´t a good policy'

My point exactly

They are still happily married, and they probably would not have been if I had gone to Sue and said 'Sue... there is something I should tell you...'

a*cB

a stabliser called Ben

which almost leads us to another thread: 'do you believe in monogamy?' ..

to stay where we are: good point, 'Researcher 170889': 'not going to be home' leading to the MESSAGE you want to be received - where explaining the actual situation might only confuse unnecessarily.

[but I would find it only fair to answer 'yes' if the dress DID make him / her look fat..]

Start that thread, Sunny! (And see what confessions anonimity encourages!!!

I thought about it. But as I know my position (life is too short for monogamy + having an affair doesn't mean you're about to end your long-term relationship) and don't have the intention to argue against anybody's differing view I think I won't..

[On second thought, monogamy (or not) is only a symptom. I think the big mistake is to only 'allow' touching somebody within the limits of a relationship.]

Well, you are right about the 'symptom' bit. I don't feel like putting the subject up, either. Maintenance costs too high! It puzzles me though. I have no strong feelings one way or the other. Each (couple) to their own. It just never occurs to me to behave otherwise (than monogamous), so I just wonder what makes people think/feel otherwise.

quite easy: that different persons touch different aspects of you - and some parts of you don't get 'activated' within your relationship, no matter how good it is. This is true for talking / discussing with somebody - so why not for touching?
So if you both agree (!!!) on it, you can let each other enjoy different aspects of life with other people - without threatening the relationship as such. Because it's not 'all or nothing at all' you don't have to end the relationship just because there are some details missing (there always will be, I think).

(I admit: it's not always so easy emotionally. But - up to now - it seems to be worth the prize).