h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Prof, it's good to be back. I got caught up doing other things online, but I missed the people on here, so it was time to make my return. I hope you're keeping well?

Hi Tab

you'll have a lot of catching up to do thencould take years back reading

A burglar was going through a condo, he came across a parrot, and the parrot said, "God is watching you." The burglar just ignored it.

The parrot said, more loudly this time, "God is watching you, and Jesus is coming!"

The burglar asked the parrot, "If you're so smart, then what's your name?"

The parrot replied, "Moses."

"What kind of moron names a parrot Moses?" laughed the burglar.

The parrot replied, "The same fool who named his two pit bulls God and Jesus."

a one-eyed drunk man takes his eye out and puts in a glass with water in. He becomes thirsty in the night and he drinks a glass of water. He wakes up in the morning and notices that the eyeball in the glass gone and then he remembers he accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He goes and sees his GP and tells him what happened. The first thing his GP saw when he looked up the man's posterior, was that glass eye staring right back at him! "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

A joke that my late Dad told me.

Bing Bong - it is now 09:39 on the 19th day of May 2008 - and all is well...

Why did the monkey's run out of asprin in the jungle?
Because the parrots ate them all (para-cet-amool)

leaders of the religious sect "Shutt'dor", have now decided on a open policy

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

If in doubt scream and shout. UHHHHH UHHHHH UHHHH UHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall!

________________________________________________

ski zen on the level

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Change it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Completely barking mad!

Who needs light bulbs, howwlllllllll!!!????

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

did you know! there are 2 red < < and 19 red dots, plus 1 white dot at the bottom of this thread/page

What looks like half a cat ?
The other half !

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ?
She had mittens !

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ?
A carrot !

How do cats eat spaghetti ?
The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

What is a French cat's favourite pudding ?
Chocolate mousse!

What do cat actors say on stage ?
Tabby or not tabby!

What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?
I'm paw!

How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ?
He has cat-arrh!

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
She's got that down in the mouth look!

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ?
An animal that puts you out a night!