h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Look, if you saw my men with the woman, then she's been recaptured and you can have her. What more do you want?

*Walks to the window to see if his men are bringing in Lil yet. Sees Zello and some woman who is not Lil on the front steps. The woman has her back to him, so he doesn't recognise her, although he did see her once in the Peta Gulch saloon.*

Harumph! Looks like Zello has found his own woman. Always was a bit of a ladies jello.

Well, Miss, I just help The Celery in whatever way I can. For now, his goals work well for me and he pays well.

*shrugs*

In the future? Who knows?



*Idly draws Z's in the sand with his sword tip. They're looking a little more like Z's now, but still mostly resemble J's*

*Sherry removes her straw hat and fans herself with it*

It's a bit hot in this valley, isn't it?

*outside the Ranch House sej hears a noise like a sonic boom as a cuban cigar rockets past her left ear from the direction of the pass, breaks a pane of glass in one of the windows and richochets around the interior of the rnch house before burying itself in something*

*Jumps back as something crashes through the window. Ducks as it rockets around the room, first taking off the preacher's hat, then smashing the computer, then embedding itself in the chest of an Ape.

The Celery walks over to the dead Ape to find out what the flying object was. He sees the cigar in the Ape's chest and pulls it out. He turns it around in his hand, examining it, a wry look on his face.*

I'd hate to see the poor sucker that lit this!

*Sherry glances around, having heard the cigar whizz by*

Big mosquitos, too.

*Winces as his hat flies off his head, bounces off a computer and smashes into the chest of an ape, apparently killing it.*


I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller... er... the Jello shall protect me. Trust in the Jello. The Jello molds in mysterious ways.


What more do I want? Well, there is the matter of the church...

The Church? What do you think I've been talking about? Where else would you be Pope? Man, we've already agreed on this! You get to be Pope of my church, I get the items I want. And you can do whatever you want with the woman, once she's brought here.



Now it looks like I need a new computer, on top of it all.



Well, we might as well get on with it.

*The Celery leans back and bellows for his wife.*

DORIS!!!!!

*Doris comes running.*

Get your tape measure and measure the preachers head for his new Pope hat.

*leaning against the doorjamb, looking completely unrepentant*

It's called a mitre.

And now you're going to blur the line between Church and State, huh?

*she is holding a bottle of Chivas Regal and now tips her head back and drinks from the bottle*

And what're you going to pope, Mr. Reverend, after the posse gets here and cleans up, where's your earthly glory then, huh?

*takes another drink and eyes the Celery belligerently* Not long before ~you're~ in hydroponic confinement, dear husband...

Pope? Well, all right, I'll play that game. You can make me pope, but we must build a church first then mustn't we? And I don't mean any old building filled with rusty spittoons, no I mean a proper church with pews, a steeple, and a bell!

Ma'am, I assure you I seek no earthly glory. My rewards will come at a later time.

So we will wait for the lovely lady to arrive, then.

*Sneers at Floradora*

See you found your old pal, eh my dear? We'll have to keep our holy wine locked up, I can see.

And what's the problem with mixing Church and State, anyway? I'm the head of one and the deity of the other. Either way, I'm in charge. Similar systems seem to work just fine for some of those fundamentalist Islamic states. Just needs a strong hand at the helm and a loyal secret service.

The Reverend, or should I start calling you Pope, already has a church, although he hasn't seen it yet. It's up in the indian village in the cliffs and he already has a congregation. We'll take a visit up there just as soon as everything is settled here. Might even get you that bell you just mentioned.

And that posse will soon be taken care of. My boys are heading it off at the passe. I should be hearing the good news very soon now.

*Sound of galloping hoofbeats, coming to a stop outside the door. Seconds later, Butch bursts into the room.*

Boss! Boss! The posse's through the pass! Bart and Bob and Jesse are dead!

*Goes pale at the site of Butch, and tries to keep quiet and unnoticed but the news of the church is just too much and he jumps up.*

A church? With the indians? This is more than I hoped and prayed for! It can be a mission - oh then we definitely need a bell! Jelloluhiah! Praise the Jello!

*Sits down again and hopes Butch did not notice him.*

*glug*
The posse got through. Well, well. Why am I not surprised.

Fools! I'm surrounded by incompetent fools! It's just a bunch of namby pamby salonistas out there and you gunslinging outlaws can't even slow them down.



Okay. Butch, get Zeke and some apes and see if you can do something to slow them down in the pasture. Tell Zeke to get his contraption ready right away. Get the rest of the boys to set up a welcoming committee.

*As Butch leaves, the Celery turns to the Preacher.*

Looks like you're going to see your church sooner than I thought.

*The Celery turns and bellows*

DORIS! PACK UP. WE'RE HEADING TO THE INDIAN VILLAGE.

*Jumped up when Butch galloped up and followed him inside, then back outside.*

Butch, I have an idea for slowing down the posse. I'll ride out now.

*Tips his hat to the lady, mounts his horse and rides off.*

Very good, Zello. I have an idea too.

*Butch runs off to the bunkhouse. Soon, a small troop of Apes ride out towards the pasture. Butch returns to the front steps of the ranchhouse.*

Scuse me, ma'am. Have you seen Zeke about?

*Has a sudden thought.*

And just who are you, anyway?

*Picks up his disk of saved games and puts it in a pocket. Goes to the typewriter and takes out the sheet where he had started to type his Celery Manifesto. Takes a last look around for any other important items.*

Well, Prea...er...Pope, we'll be back here soon, but for now it makes sense to head to the Indian Village and show you your church. Come along, now.

*The Celery exits out the back door, with Doris following behind carrying a large trunk. Soon, the sound of horses moving away is heard.*

*Later, the Celery arrives here:* http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/F91200?thread=191756&post=2225222#p2225222