h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hmmmmm... A pope... You know, I like that idea. And you say you can get that emerald for me? What about the KLAG III manual?

Get me those things and you've got a deal.

And whose soul you save is your own business, as far as I'm concerned.

Say! What's all the commotion outside?

*Gets up and walks over to the window*

There's some kind of green glowing thing out there! And there's only room for one green icon around here!

*Gets a rifle from the gun cabinet and begins loading.*

[Zero grins, getting ready to cut up some apes. This isn't going to be pretty.]

*Looks out the window.*

Looks like yer got a lil' problem, don't yer? Not that no preacher man would know a thing er two about rescuin' women, but them rescuers ain't never alone. Ya got that green 'un thar, there's gotta be 'nother somewhere's else. An' they ain't showin' themselves 'less they found what they's lookin fer.

*Reaches into his jacket and pulls out a Colt.*

[As the apes approach, Zero begins slicing away with his beamsaber.]

*Looks speculatively at the preacher.*

You may be right. I'd better check on my, uh, guest.

*Exits the room and disappears down a hallway. Returns in a few minutes looking chartruse.*

Seems you were right. My guest has left.

*A steely look comes into his eyes as he picks up his rifle again, pokes it out a window and fires at the figure with the glowing green sword.*


Zero - save some fun for the rest of the posse, too. We have lots of Apes for you to slice and dice, but at some point you'll need to break off the action and wait for everyone else.

*The Apes converge on the figure with the green sword. Soon, ape parts are flying in all directions, slowly building up a black circular wall around the fighter. Some apes hang back and fire their rifles when they can get a reasonably clear shot. As a result, bullets fly at the fighter from all directions.*

Okay then. Oh, and in case you don't know, air-dashing is activating one's dash-boot thrusters in midair.


[Zero jumps straight up, air-dashes out of the ring, of fire, hits the ground running, and rockets away with the intent of performing a more body-guard-type-duty for Lil.]

*Fires two bullets through the window.*

Dang! That green'un shot right up inta the air! I ain't never seen nothin' like that afore!

Anyhows I reckon you and me we's got ourselves a deal. So's long as I kin be Pope of h2g2, then I's gonna go ter find yer rock an yer instrukshin book, an' I might recapture yer guest jus' fer the heck of it an 'cuz I can't leave no lady in distress. I gots ter capture her an bring her back here ter safety, as is right fer a minister to do.

*Spits*
Yup.

*Heads out to get his horse.*

*Watches the Reverend go.*


I'll have to keep an eye on that one.


Zeke! The hostage has escaped. Round up a search party and get them to track her. Tontello is a good tracker, so send him. Lone Jello will have to go too, I suppose. *Rolls eyes.* And a few apes should do it. I want her back!

*Sits down, facing the computer. Begins replaying the first part of KLAG III for the thousandth time.*

*reports to The Celery*

Boss - we got the boys looking fer the prisoner but we think she's gone ter ground somewhere up at the end of the canyon.

an you ain't gonner be happy with this but Zeb reckons she's maybe found her way inter the ruined injun village.

*pauses anxiously for a moment*

and ....

*a bead of sweat appears on his brow*

.... ah just herd fer the boys up at the pass. Seems them good fer nuthin injuns were gud fer nuthin - the posse decimated them in a pitched battle in the Badlands. And ....

*a vein on his forehead starts to throb*

..... the only thang between them an us is Butch, Bob and Bart .

Maybe it's time to fix the *other prisoner* fer they get here. It'll take us a while to get the 'V' weapon ready yer know ?

*The Celery's leaves rustle ominously as he listens to Zeke's report. When he speaks, however, his voice is calm and level.*

Zeke. That prisoner needs to be found. But I have also made other arrangements to get what I need. If the boys find her, there is no longer any need to be gentle. I'll be holding you personally responsible for her return, dead or alive.

As for the indians, I had never given them much chance - they're a bunch of undisciplined savages. Still, it was worth signalling them about the posse killing Indian Joe Two Jellos. I knew they couldn't let that rest. I only hope they managed to take out a few of those durn posse members.

Now, Butch and Bob and Bart aught to know a thing or two about laying an ambush. I've every confidence in them. Your, um, contraption just about ready in the barn?

And never mind about the other prisoner. I'm saving him for the grand finale of my coronation as emperor of h2g2. Don't go shooting off your mouth about him either. He's a secret between you and me and Zeb and a couple of guards. And send word for a few more of my workers to help with the 'V' weapon. It MUST be ready for the coronation ceremonies.

yas Boss, whutever you say Boss ... thine will will be done. She won't git far - we got the whole canyon sealed off this end and the 'B' Team are up at the pass. If we find her we'll fix her gud so she's no more trubble. Ah won't let yer down.

The contrapshun is ready all bar gittin the fittest Apes tergether fer wheel duty - but that wurnt take nuthin ter fix. Ah'll get some more effert put inter the 'V' weapon straightaway Boss.

Very good, Zeke. Keep me informed.

*Turns back to the computer.*

*Bursts in, raging.*

You! Celery! Where is that woman? I only leave for a moment and she's gone! If you think for a moment that I will give you these items without her being delivered to me, you are sadly mistaken.

*Pauses a moment, and thinks he must add something for effect. Waves the document and mint in the air.*



*Quickly makes the sign of the Jello in atonement, and tucks the will and test mint back into his jacket pocket*

*Jumps at the first outburst, then curses and turns from the computer screen to face the Preacher.*

You, sir, have just caused me to die. Just before saving my game, too. Now I'll have to restart that level. I am not pleased.

*Catches sight of something shiny and green being put into a pocket, and a document. Eyes widen momentarily.*

You have been very quick in bringing me what I want. I will uphold my end of the bargain and make you Pope, but we never talked about me giving you the woman. Of course, it doesn't matter to me now - if you can find her, you're welcome to take her.

Now, let me see what you brought.

*rubs hands greedily*

*Arrives outside with Sherry.*

Well, here we are, Ma'am. There's a strange horse tied up out here, so I think the Celery has company. We'd better wait out here.

Find her! She was with one of your men! May the Jello visit his wrath upon you if one hair on her head has been harmed! And I sincerely doubt your veracity, Pope indeed! I will accept nothing less than the woman being turned over to me safely. Otherwise these items stay with me! And I do not know what you mean by claiming to have been killed by me, but I am at the end of my patience, I am strained to my limits, I have shot a man, and I do not know what else I am capable of! If you are in need of saving, save yourself now!

With one of my men? Well, I guess she's been recaptured then and I'll hear about it soon enough. You're welcome to take her when she's brought here, so long as what you've brought me is what I want. But I don't understand this new, er, passion you are showing for that woman and the sudden disinterest in the Pope position.

*shrugs*

Doesn't matter to me, though. Just show me the goods.

*Sherry dismounts and sits on the Ranchhouse steps*

Oh, my, it sure feels nice to sit down on somethin' other than a horse. What do yew do at the ranch, Mistah Zello?

You are not getting a thing until my demands are met.

*Pulls up a chair and sits down it resolutely crossing his arms.*