h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*knock politely - the real and only true head of Hootoo is in residence*

*Zeke brings a roll of carpet into the Ranch house and secures it in a secure place very securely indeed just so there's no misunderstanding about this*

*Drums his fingers on his desk, scowling at the computer screen.*

Doris! Another whiskey, please.

*Makes some calculations on a piece of paper. His eyes light up and he types a number on the keyboard. There is a short pause, then his face clouds over, he crumples the paper and throws it at the garbage can, missing.*

We HAVE to get that manual!

*Runs into the room, out of breath, clutching a small manual.*

I got it! I got it!

*Stops dead, seeing GL. Draws his gun in confusion.*

What in blazes are you doing here?

*Notices some whisps of green poking out of the top of GL's head. Lets out his breath and holsters his gun.*

Ha! Nearly had me fooled, there, chief.

What's the matter, Butch.

Oh, this!

*Tears off his GL disguise.*

I needed it to get out of town in one piece.

*Notices the manual in Butch's hand. Leaps out of his seat and rushes over to Butch. Grabs the manual and quickly reads the inside cover.*

This is it, Butch!

*Runs back to the computer.*

Hedge Trimmer levels, here we come!

*knocks and walks in*

Hey Boss, just wanted to let yew know that the boys in the bunkhouse are having a little fun with that bottle of champagne that Reb liberated from the Atelier.

Any trouble from the prisoner ?

*a ~chink~ ~chink~ ~chink~ of spurs is heard outside and two figures walks into the ranch house. The first one is tall and rangy and is dressed from head to toe in black garb. The second one is also lean but smaller in stature*

I heard that yer wus in need of a spot of help Boss. I came as fast as I cud.

I brought a buddy of mine along fer the ride. He wants in on the Hootoo takeover action. Yer can trust him.

*respectfully*

Howdy Boss, I heard a lot about yer fer Bart here.

[A thump and a curse is heard from ... the roof? (No, nobody's been aware of him until now. Yes, he's heard the entire conversation. No, there's no point in pretending you shouldn't know who it is. Yes, it's Zero. )]

*Waves his hand distractedly at the newcomers.*

Be with you in a minute.

*Painstakingly follows the instructions in the manual. Waits. Hits return. Waits. Thumps computer. Waits.*

Now what in tarnation is going on here! Where's the hedge trimmer levels? Where's the game? Where's my saved games? Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh!

[Anyone with any means of detecting radio signals should be able to detect a ... radio signal coming from Zero's current position (still on the roof) and heading towards Peta Gulch.]

Zero - we want to build up some backstory on this RRR before the posse arrives - i.e. we have some new characters to flesh out and some fooling around to do. No problem with you being here, but we want the posse to be a while getting here.

If you like, you can remain an observer, or if you want some fun, we can capture you somehow.

Okay. Zero's waiting for that sort of opportunity, anyway. I'll stop posting oblique references to his existence and start doing stuff like or something.

*Runs over to the Celery and takes the manual. Turns to the inside cover and reads the instructions. Turns pale.*

Uh, chief. You just formated your hard drive. Everything on there is lost.

*Stands back to be clear of the explosion.*

*hides underneath his stetson*

[Zero moves so that he is no longer directly above The Celery]

*Bursts into the room*

[OOOOOK!!!!] The posse is on the road here.

[Oooook] They're crossing the prairie.

*Butch's words are just sinking in and the pressure inside the Celery's head is in the red part of the scale and about to go off the high end. With blazing eyes, he turns to find some outlet for his rage.

Enter the Ape.*

HOW THE HELL DID THEY KNOW TO COME HERE? DID YOU STUPID APES LEAD THEM HERE? I SHOULD SHOOT YOU ALL! DID YOU KILL A FEW OF THEM, OR JUST RUN AWAY? CAN'T ANYBODY DO A DECENT JOB? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BECOME EMPEROR WITH HELP LIKE THIS? AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TO THE HEDGE TRIMMER LEVELS NOW?

*Sits down heavily and puts head in his hands. After a few minutes he sits up. The rage in his eyes has been replaced with a hard, calculating look. He first addresses the Ape.*

Take a troop of Apes and attack them on the prairie.

*The Ape leaves.*

Butch, that posse is bound to get past the apes in the prairie. When they do, I want you to take some of the boys and head them off at the pass.

Zeke, make sure we're ready for the posse, should they make it this far.

Oh, Butch, before you go, send one of the boys here. I have an errand for him to run. It's time to use the ear.

*Turns at the door as he's leaving, to catch The Celery's last instructions.*

Sure, chief.

*Walks out, towards the barn. As he crosses the yard, a troop of Apes gallop off down the road to town.*