h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ooops, sorry, missed that - thanks!


Smell, eh? Now, that gives me an idea... *looks around for possible material to make stench bombs*

*Zeke reaches the war wagon as it completes it's turn and lumbers back towards the barn and the posse members. Zeke manages to clamber up the side and starts to bang on the access door cussing and yelling. Eventually it opens.*

*a simian head looks out the access door*

Ook [what's the racket for ?]

Well ah say boy, fer Celery's sake durn't yer know ah wus trying to git in here

*Zeke disappears into the war wagon and in a moment the cupola on the top appears and starts to shoot at the posse members, the gun ports are manned by Apes and the whole contraption starts to look menacing.*

*hastily slides off Gandalf's back*

*Gandalf gallops out of the barn*

*T drops to the ground flat on her stomache and crawls in under the war wagon, out of sight*

/* Rapid-fires staples at the war wagon, to cover Titania */

Over here, you apes!

/* ducks behind the gnu */

*the cupola turns towards d'Elaphant and out of a gun port slides a large smooth bore cannon. There is muffled shouting and arguing before there is a short fizzing sound closely followed by a loud bang.*

*a heavy cannon-ball rips up the ground just infront of d'Elaphant peppering him with clods of earth. At the same time the recoil from the cannon causes another wheel to fall off*

*from inside the war wagon comes a ragged cheer and some taunting*

Ah bet yer didn't expect that Salonista Boy ! Come on do yer worst - we kin take anythang yer got, heh heh heh.

Not so confident now are yew

*clings to the chassis of the war wagon, searching hand- and footholds, securing herself with her belt*

*searches pockets for bottles of concentrated scent essenses which she usually uses for making soap and scent oils*

*inside the war wagon*

Well ah rekkon boys that we got the measure of these no-good easterners at last . The Celery will be mighty pleased with us ah kin tell you.

I don't know whut kind of saloon these Saloonista's come from but ah bet they drink milk instead of good throat cutting whisky !

*guffaws from all the Ape crew and general bonhommie*

Lets give em anuther blast from the cannon.

RELOAD !

*manages to locate a little bottle with extremely concentrated Neroli oil*

*holds her breath while quickly removing the lid and replacing it with a perfume spray pump*

*carefully carves a small hole in the floor of the wagon above her with her pocket knife*

*the cannon once again slides out of a gun port in the cupola and a cannon ball is shot at d'Elaphant - this time missing and demolishing most of what remains of the barn. Another two wheels fall off the contraption. Singing is heard from within*



Eight wheels on our wagon,
And we're still rolling along
The P-oss-ee is chasing me
Arrows fly, right on by
But we're singing the Celery's song

We're singing a higgity, haggity, hoggety, high
Jello's they never say die
A mile up the road there's a hidden cave
And we can watch that P-oss-ee
Go galloping by

*having finished carving the hole*

*holds her breath once more*

*places the spray pump next to the hole*

*starts spraying Neroli oil through the hole until the bottle is empty*

*an intensely sweet, spicy and distinctive scent spreads inside the war wagon, enough to make those with weak stomaches travel sick*

*the singing suddenly stops*

Ook [phwoar - is that you that's dropped one Zeke ]

Ook [something must have died up there ]

Ook [that's an unbelievable stench - I'm off ]

*gagging*

No it's not me boys - ah swear ah ain't touched beans fer weeks and the smell is all wrong. We can't stay in here - we'll be gonners fer sure !

Abandon Wagon, every Ape for himself, women and Jellos first !!!

*at this the Apes desert their posts in droves and the hamster wheel becomes dangerously unstable as some Apes jump off it making it unbalanced. With a loud tearing sound the large wooden bearings split and the wagon comes shuddering to a halt. Portholes open and Apes pour out of the openings in a blind panic*

*hastily loosens her belt, drops to the ground and crawls out from underneath the war wagon and starts running away from it, too*

Ruppy - Fner-ner-ner, fnoof! (Hey what's that delicious smell?)

Tidbit - Frouzer! (Just shut up and run!)

*the pugs and little red wagon flee from benieth the war wagon in the direction that the least debris seems to be flying*

*falters while running towards the War Wagon as an indistinct smell begins to penetrate her conciousness. Heads for cover just as the rats leave the ship and gets off a few shots in the Apes' direction*

*staggers out of the war wagon*

Ook [urggh]

*drops onto the ground from the War Wagon, his fall cushioned by the soft form of a comatose Ape*

*hides behind some barrels in a corner of the barn, preparing bow and arrow, trying to spot Zekejello among the panicking Apes*