h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*a few horses and a lot of giant apes can be found in the barn together with most of the ranch's supplies*

*a rider dressed all in black leads his horse "Sable" to the stable.

*dismounts and follows Bart into the barn*

*The Lone Jello dismounts and hands his reins to Tontello, who takes the two horses to the stables. The Lone Jello enters the barn.*

Well, boys, what have you got here?

*Takes bottle and upends it into his mouth. Swallows a few times then holds the bottle away and looks at it.*

What the heck? It's still full!

*Upends it again and swallows several times until out of breath. Pulls bottle away and sees it is still full.*

Well, I'll be durned!

*After spying around for a little while unnoticed, the Reverend Lovejello enters the barn.*
All yer evildoer's doin' some evil, now ain't ya? Now I ain't opposed ter a lil' relaxin after a hard day, so you'all jus'enjoy yerselve's an we'll get ter the preachin' when we git to it. Maybe I could join yer, if yer don' mind a preacher man bein' round.

Wull ah don't mind Reverend if'n you can supply us with some o' that holy wine o' yus

I got sometin better 'an holy wine. I got holy whiskey. Here, an bless ya.
*Passes a bottle of whiskey to Zeke Jello.*
Is what I heard true? Did some posse kill our brother Jellos?

*Thundering hoofbeats are heard outside. They stop and a rider dismounts. Footsteps approach the door, then there is a "swish, swish, swish" sound, followed by a curse. The door opens and Zello enters, frowning.*


Looks like a "J" not a "Z"

*Glances up as the newcomer enters. Does a double-take. Jumps up.*

Hey! What do you think you're doing, coming here in a mask. I'M the guy in the mask around here. This Ranch ain't big enough for two masked men! Step outside and we'll settle this now.

*Points to the door.*

*Spits*
Hey, is you masked fellers good guys or bad guys? I always thert you wuz good guys. If you's good guys, I wanna watch the fight.

*Nudges Zekejello*
They's gonna do things like draw a line on the groun' an say "I dare you to cross this line"

*shrugs shoulders*

Wull ah don't know about you folks burt ah'm all bad - threw and threw !

*Calls in through the door (not seeing the Reverend)*

I need some of you boys to come with me to head off the posse at the pass. And The Celery needs one of you to run an errand for him.

*Looks at the Lone Jello with contempt.*

I will be happy to teach you a lesson, senore.

*Turns to go outside when Butch calls in. Looks back at LJ.*

We will have to settle this later, Perro.

*Exits and heads to the ranchhouse.*

*Slams his Bible down on the ground and kicks it.*

Wuz that Butch Webjello? I ...

*Looks around, and coughs.*

...didn't know he wuz helpin ther Celery. Bless his soul, 's been ages since I seen him. I jus gets so excited ter see an ol' friend.

*Picks up Bible*
Yup. Bless'im.

*nods head in an approving manner*

Fer a preacher yer shure knows how to cuss gud.

Ya should hear my sermons.

*Pulls his hat down slightly, casting a shadow over his face in just the way necessary to prevent being recognized.*

I reckon I'll take a look aroun' an' see if I kin help out, an maybe talk ter Butch.

Yer'll have to hurry preacher - Butch is off orn a speciul misson fer the Boss. He headed off fer the pass.

Beggin' yer pardon but I got me own chores ter be gettin' on with.

*disappears up the ladder to the hayloft with a bunch of Apes. After a while the unmistakeable sounds of carpentry are heard*

*Decides to go for a ride.*

Come on, Tontshello. Lesh go for a ride.

Tontjello: No think that wise, Kemosabe.

Lone Jello: Aw, don' be a shpoilshport, Tonty.

*Staggers out of the barn. Tontjello catches him as he trips over an ant, or something. He staggers to the stables and gets his horse. With considerable difficulty, he climbs into the saddle and holds onto the pommel. He kicks the horse, which, sensing the condition of its rider, starts off at a walk.*

Hiyo, shliver, Away!

*comes back down from the hayloft and notices the champagne bottle in the saddle pack of the Lone Jello*

Hey !! That wus supposed to be fer the boys in the bunkhouse ! Bring it back yer hear !

*hears singing coming fer the Lone Jello*


They-re gonna hang me in the morning
A'fore this night is done
They're gonna hang me in the mornin'
And I'll never see the sun


Oh fer Pete's sake

*more sounds of frenzied carpentry are heard, joined now by an occasional metal bashing noise*