h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Capability Brown, great-grandaddy of landscape design, sculptor of the earth on the scale of god , has spoken to me as I slept in the abandoned Jag Mk II behind the Inn after my first visit to the no holes barred Cellar (where I made the typically Canadian mistake of trying to outdrink someone from Glasgow... another story)
Mister Brown has given me the mission of clearing the underbrush and overgrowth from the terraces and re-establishing the view of the lake from the patios. I estimate it will take me 20 years working with hand tools. Please be patient. These grounds have a history, and as I am more archeologist or anthropologist than botanist or gardener I will be clearing slowly to reveal the history of this garden and its follies.

Splendid stuff. A thought occurs **plop**. How did this Jaguar get in here all those years ago? Any chance of a grand sweeping gravel drive?

The patio seems to extend off the back of the Inn in an arc defined by the drive which would have passed to and from the front road on either side of the Inn. When we have taken up the invading sods you will see that the patio stones are large cut granite slabs. These obviously predate an enclosing low Victorian wall (of imported limestone bricks) that steps down to the drive, which itself is Edwardian cobbles but also ruthlessly overgrown. One end of the drive still reaches the public road but the other ends abruptly at the back wall of No.27 which seems to have gone up during the War as a barracks for the men who served the officers residing in the Inn for the Duration. They were apparently working on something called "enigma" and in the cellar I have found bits of old typewriting gear with strange encoded keys. The Jag has an RAC badge and yellow Lucas foglamps on the badge bar (from an original owner perhaps) and a "Luv is all y'need!" bumpersticker on the rear which tells me it has been there these thirty years. One of the locals tells me it was abandoned by Jimi Hendrix when he stayed here just after the Isle of Mann concert. Or was it the Isle of Wight? The air in the tires is probably circa 1968 if anybody wants a whiff.

"Don't you call me an invading sod ! I'm only here because someones paying me a grand to sweep a gravel drive !
Get over to the middle age division and you will find your tools"

Picky, picky,picky!

*moves illicit still further away from the current excavations*

Excuse me, DJ **He said peering out through cracked pane of rear staircase window** what exactly is that contraption you manouvre so carefully?

Looks like a portable barbeque to me

Yup - that's exactly what it is.....and this long coil of copper is a snake trap

Oh, thats OK then. I'm just on a recce, as the Accountants are accusing us of sourcing our own brews locally without informing either them or the Customs and Excise. Ridiculous, I know, but thought I'd scout around just in case there was something going on that I didn't know about.

That's why that dumpy chap in the pinstripe suit and black bowler hat was snooping around the garden then - a hector somebody.....not a friend of yours, was he? Fortunately the snughound saw him off - apparentlt tax men are even tastier than post men.

Could have been that famous ghost, Hector Plasm.

With a name like that, he should be in the library: http://www.h2g2.com/F41297?thread=74835

'Patio Lanterns' by Terrace Bulba

I didn't say that, I know better (the book titles are over there somewhere and DJ is too funny), the Snughound asked me to jot that one in and forge his pawprint.

Oh yeah...the library.
http://www.h2g2.com/F41297?
Damn place is getting to be more of men's club than a Roadhouse. Bloody library full of booktitles!
Where's BumWeEvil and them girlie mags!
Tharg! Summon us a wench or four.
I should tell you about my trip to Cornwall...
These single malts are quite nice.

It is, however, very cold outside here on the terraces. Perhaps the new years resolution to get a bit more excercise can go on the "later" pile until it warms up a jot...oh well, back to the warm snug for me

Actually now that the leaves have all dropped off and the snow's melted, the still unmentionable still is now very visible. Could I suggest sweeping the leaves into a pile in front of it to disguise it a bit

The Village Planning People (or Ant Amy and Marie-Rae) are complaining about the Jaguar. Apparently this is a respecable retirement community. I may have to move it down the hill into the woods. About halfway between the BOF and the Boatyard (near the Beach) should give me the privacy I require. And it'll be close to my work (clearing the Terraces). And there's lots of mushrooms so the 41 mice and I will not go hungry. We could hide the still in the boot.