h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Sprays gloppy goo from old fire extinguisher all over the smoking parenthesis*
You never know with those things! Gosh! That was thirsty work ....
*Looks round hopefully*

* emerges from the back of the Jag, wrapped in a Hudson Bay blanket of many colours *

Oh ..oh the humanity. Pheroneous has done himself in. Bloody Portakabins people wanted a King's ransom to remove the damn thing so he just blew it up! And he was inside!

* surveys the debris - bits of fibreglass, bar bits, broken stools, pieces of a wheelchair, literally thousands of tiny fragments of what was the Portakabin and ..Pheroneous *

I say, look here, a bottle of Pheroneous' favourite wiskey. And unbroken! He must have had in stuffed under the water bed behind the bar.

*cracks open the bottle*

To ...Pheroneous! A lovely gentle old fart with an eye for the ladies and a way with words. Best barkeep ever. To our founder and friend - may he rest easier in a better place.

*takes a long hard swig of the wiskey and passes the bottle round*

I'll drink to that (er him)

I'll drink

Me too! A toast! To Pheroneous ... but just because you can't see him, it doesn't mean he isn't here! Hehehehe

Do you think that triple negative will get by the Grammar Police?

No. Never. Not likely. No way. Not gonna happen.

*wipes away tears with what he thought was a hanky in his pocket - but is shocked to discover it is P's wig*

Oh ..uhm ..how'd that get in my pocket?

[Philippa]

What has happened to Pheroneous? and where is the Portakabin?

*confused, but sipping a bottle of water, so is happy.*

What a waste of a good bartender.

If you can see his waist ... surely you can see the rest of him? Pardon?

[Phillipa]

Don't call me Shirley...

(movie)

Surely we all know better than that! I wonder if Pheroneous thought he was OK to go?

*Ambles round from the Snug* To the great Pheroneous, my he rest in pieces and may his profits rest in my pockets. Is there any bar equipement worth scavenging? May I suggest nailing Ps rug to the wall on a small wooden plaque as a memorial. We could hang it above the Snughound. *Acquires a couple of old optics from the remains* Carry on with the cleaning, your doing a grand job. *Amblesback from whence he came*

*While looking through the debris for things worth salvaging for the bar, Kes picks up a small shiny coin*
Hey! I wonder if this is the ma.......
*Looks round - nobody has noticed him. He pockets the coin*

[Philippa]

What did you put into your pocket, Archangel Kes?

Oh! Hi Philippa!
*Fumbles in pocket, produces second-hand tissue and small dull coin*
...just some small change ... I was going to put it in the charity collection later... Have you found anything worth salvaging?

*Pokes at the rubble with the toe of her tennis shoe...*

No... There isn't enough here to fill a stall at a junk fair..

*Wipes a tear... * Poor Pheroneous!

*once again the wig is produced from jwf's pocket, wrongly believing it to be a hanky of some sort*

Here ya go m'dear. Wipe those tea... eeek. How did that get in my pocket?

*stuffs it back his pocket out of sight and tries to console the grieving Philippa offering a slug from P's last bottle*

That's very nice of you jwf ... erm .. when Philippa is feeling better, might I have a swig? ... A bit of consolation never comes amiss ...

*passes round the mysteriously bottomless last bottle of Pheroneous to the gathered mourners*

A man-in-black (MIB) appears*

'ello-'ello what's all this then? Had a bit of bangup did we?
I'll need to see everyone's papers, photo ID would be preferable. Those who can't prove who they are or where they were when this Portakabin blew will be taken in for further interrogation. Now who'll be first to help us with our inquiries?