h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Gratefully accepts coinage* Porridge officer? Why, I'm just trying to ensure that the younger members are kept healthy and fit. I'm sure the stolen porridge was acquired by the evil Pheroneous clone of which he speaks, and if any other irregularities should surface over the next few months, I'm sure he can be blamed for them too.

[Philippa]

My auntie often uses me as a scapegoat. It is very baaad of her.

So that's why Pheroneous found you so attractive? It's a genetic thing. But hey, as randy old goats go, he wasn't a baaaad sort, really. It was just those horns and those beady little eyes that could be so off-putting.
*offers goat cheeses all round*

Genetic? No, I think Pheroneous just had excellent taste

[Philippa]

*Crosses her legs and licks a bit of feta off her finger.*

Mmmmmm, yummy cheeses. Thank you, jwf.... Honey, you have mice droppings on your shoulder. Still living in the car?

They are, yes.
Me, I'm moving into the Inn, now that Pheroneous won't be kneeding (sic) the waterbed.

[Philippa]

John, have some retsina. You are a man of adaption and acumen. Your acuity is actually astonishing. I'm sorry to tell you that you are wrong in this instance, though.

My heart belongs to another.

*Leans on the ballustrades and observes*

*Leans on a cold bowl of porridge and looks confused*

[Philippa]

*Wiggles fingers "hi!" to Munchers....

*Drips cold porridge in return* Err, I think I should get a cloth. On the other hand, I could just wait for it to rain, that should clean the slabs.

Cloth sounds good ... that stuff looks too much like cement to take any chances ...

[Philippa]

*grabs a cloth cleans up slabs and the front of Munchkin's coat too.*

There you are!

*He'll be speechless then. He's also going a funny shade of crimson*

[Philippa]

! Would you like some retsina, too?

Errr
Ummm
Welll,
I think I need a strong cup of tea. *Shuffles off indoors. Soon the sound of a kettle is heard, and some nervously clinking cups*

Retsina is an acquired taste, Philippa. Perhaps it doesn't go with porridge?

*rushes in from the Library*

Hey somebody's vandalised our OED! Look at this! A whole page is missing from 'acuity, acumen, adaption' on down to 'astonishing' and there's feta cheese fingerprints over what's left! The mice'll be all over that soon enough.

*wonders why everyone is looking at him ..do they know he's moved the waterbed from behind the bar and into the Library?*

Wha...?

Look on the bright side! At least it means there's no more Armageddon ..