h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The TOILET materializes on the surface of Deimos, advancing for the Esirpretne. The 5.5th Doctor steps out, with an oxygen mask and a radio mike.*

Doctor to Esirpetne, I've arrived on Deimos. I've picked up a faint life sign, similar to a coma victim. It appears to be Croz. I suggest you get here as soon as possible, he won't last long in this thin atmosphere.

---The 5.5th Doctor.

*beaming with pride at the way the crew have pulled together whilst he's been off sitting exams*

Mr Bluebottle, quickly, take us to Deimos. We need to rescue Croz, if there's a chance!

And we need to do it quickly... according to these sensors, the Horrible Somethings managed to get a signal off before Phobos was destroyed... I think we've only defeated the troops... The General is coming...

Ok, I guess that means the away mission is cancelled.

*Is amazed at how one crew member could do in a few posts what would otherwise have taken a large part of the crew a long thread and many days to do. Sighs. Wonders how long it will take to handle the General.*

[to the big bird thing] Get off! That's Earth, not a Horrible Something ship! Honestly, who programmed this thing? Well, there's only one thing for it.

* presses bird's self-destruct button and watches it explode with some satisfaction *

Now to get my money back... [turns to more important matters] So have you got a transporter lock on your unconscious crewmate? [shoulders camera again] A rescue operation could boost my fee by ten or twenty percent! [begins to film, after producing a MiniDisc player, plugging it into the ship's sound system and setting a disc of atmospheric orchestral music playing to enhance the experience]

*looks at viewscreen*

Uh-oh...

*Warphole thing opens, and out comes a mammoth big wossname that looks like Unicron out of Transformers: The Movie. Huge planet made of metal with a great big mouth on the front*

That'd be the general, then... Mr Garius Lupus, what was that away team mission you mentioned earlier? The redshirts one? *gulp*

Fates preserve us! I have to get some film of this!

* puts a new disk in the camera, which, by the way, records in glorious 3D technicolour *

I might get a clearer view from outside...

* goes out the fire exit to stand on the hull and get a better look *

But it's a bit chilly out here. The things we cameramen do for our next paycheque.

*looks really confused and doesn't even try to understand what's going on without reading the backlog again*

*Main viewscreen flickers into life, the virtually identical copy of Croz appears on the screen*

This is Supreme Admiral Croa of Donutfleet Section42 to Captain Al Boy of the Esirpretne.

You are hereby ordered to call off your rescue of Dr. Croz IMMEDIATELY! He knew what was at stake captain and as the least important of the Cro clones he was expendable.

You are reassigned to deal with that rather large thing that has just appeared.

Croa out

*enters, panting as he is out of breath*

Well, you thought they might have linked these posts the other way round so that you see the newer posts first - I had to run half way across the galaxy to catch up with you! My shuttle broke down!

Anyway, what have I missed?

* pops back inside for a breath of air *

Not all that much, I don't think.

* pops back outside to get some more footage *

*The back-log is simply toooo confusing - just go with the flow*

We can't leave Croz... He may still be alive... After all the things he has done for us...
And my arm is about to fall off again...
What if we fire an intense burst of Brownian Motion? It may help us get a lock on him or something...

*Uses his Bjorg glue gun add-on to help Checkout with his arm*

I agree we can't leave Croz - then we'll have to take care of Wendy from now on...

I've missed the last stardates point 7 84, or two weeks, so I guess I'd better hang around until I get an idea of what's happening...

Somehow I really don't think that'll happen all too soon...

...and we've never left a crewmember yet...

Doctor to Esirprente...

I've managed to get Dr. Croz into the TOILET, but I suggest you get here as soon as possible. Travel through the time-space vortex is something I don't want to risk with him in this condition. Send a shuttle craft if you can.

As for the General, I left a little present for you in Cargo Bay 7. It should come in handy...

---The 5.5th Doctor

This is getting good! I'm going to end up soooooo rich!

* zooms in for a closer view *

I don't care what Croa saya, Croz is a crewmember, and as the others say, we don't leave our people in there...

I'm taking a shuttle to get him. E, you're in charge of the ship until I get back.

Mr Garius Lupus, check the cargo bay, see what the Doctor has left us, it might come in handy for your away mission to the General.

*takes shuttle, goes in search of Croz*

*Oh, for those who are confused, we're in the Sol system, protecting Earth from the Horrible Somethings/Pizzar/Rodentar/everyone else attack. Dr Croz is some kind of clone, and he's destroyed the main Horrible Somethings base on Phobos. He's trapped on Deimos just now, and although the main Horrible Somethings fleet has been disabled, we now face their head, The General... Mr Garius Lupus has a plan which he didn't get the chance to use on the fleet but may be our only hope for defeating The General... now read on...*

Captain - it's suicide for you to pilot a shuttle to Deimos on your own, you need the best pilot there is to help you past all their weaponry. And although he's currently signing autographs at WH Smiths, I'll be willing to pilot your ship instead.

OK, so now I have some vague idea of what's going on, what can I do to be of use?