h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...Eventually, changes can be seen...the holographic images outside the ship started to...change...

*One change is an add for Crater Labs, Inc. Affy smiles at the little commercial he put into the bug*

Okay, Seven, are you okay? What's going on with the Bjorg?

*E goes over to a console*

It's definitely affecting some of the Bjorg... they seem to have gone a little...erm...well...they've started throwing tennis balls at each other...

I think it's safe to say that it worked...

*wonders onto bridge with refreshments trolley*

OK, so this isn't what I'm used to, but if you insist....

Okay, the Bjorg are going to be confused. Here's hoping they don't have counter viruses.

*Pulls out disk. Just to be safe, puts in another. Pulls this one out, and does it three more times. Disconnects Seven before any problems arise. Seven collapses to the floor, seemingly incoherent*

Captain, let's blast our way out! I don't think that the Bjorg have any anti-virus programs, and I don't want to stay around to find out!

*Jumps to his own console, and begins shooting the ships' SnowZar, to weaken the metal of the chamber*

*Quorn is desparately tapping a chocolate frosted ring-donut*

Commander, I still can't find out what the sensor anomale is, but it's heading right for our big donut-shaped ass!

*patches the aft-cam through to his console*

Holy ****

*Looks*

Um, that may just be the receding hologram coming towards us, but when in doubt . . .

*Begins firing phasers on full power at the . . . thing*

*...Which wether it was a hologram or not...seem's to have some effect...*

*E glances at another readout...*

There appears to be an opening in roughly that direction (*E waves her arm in one direction*)... Just as long as that isn't just a holographic hole in the Bjorg ship, I think we can make it through...

Errr... Commander... I think you'd better come and see this...

*points down at console screen*

E: What, what is it?

*points down at screen again*

*E looks*

E: Why thats, thats....

Centre Court commander... It's Centre Court...

*Aims all weapons at the 'exit'. Puts weapons and shields on full power, and begins blasting at the hole as the ship speeds towards it*

*Bluebottle, after winning through the Bjorg Blockade after many long and tiring adventures involving many peices of cheese, finally re-groups with the others and reports for duty.*

*EMH: walks in*

EMH: Sneezes, I think I need a virus chack, I'm not programmed to sneeze.

DD: Hmmm. Lets see. Is it this green ot red disk?

BB, fly us out of here.. A nice big hole's been made in the side of the Bjorg cube, but you're the only pilot who can get us out of here in one piece...

Red or Green? Hang on what's this blue disk?

*Reads label*

Lara Croft 5. For PS2. Oh. Sorry Doc better things to do.

So, is this a good time for refreshments then? I have boiled leaves in water, coffee, lemonade...anything really...

I hope you don't mind, but the hole is 5cm smaller than our ship is, so getting out without a scratch will require some concentration....

..I can only do it if someone bets me £5,000,000 that I can't.

I'll bet you 1/2 million pounds that you can't do it.

Yeah, me too. I bet you £500000 too. Oh no, hang on, that means we've bet him a million. Oh well, nobody'll notice...

Let's go, Mister Bluebottle! (oh, btw, good to have you back, lieutenant).

*braces himself to go to warp, all the while thinking "I must remember to congratulate Joanna and DD on their new status as ACEs"*

*dramatic music swells encore une fois*

Just as long as you've also congratulated the pilot.

*Camera shows Espiretne approaching an impossibly small hole in the side of the Bjorg ship. Close up of ship about to impact small projection from side of hole. Close up of BB suddenly turning the steering wheel. Close up of ship narrowly avoiding projection.*

*GL presses button on weapons console, dropping timed explosives onto Bjorg ship*

Esirpretne shoots out of hole, just ahead of large fireball. Bjorg ship explodes as Esirpretne hits warp speed