h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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Of course this was first quoted in the conversation 'US Election'.

Umm... okay. Does that mean my army of penguins gets to invade Microsoft?

Gedge you missed the bit out about taxes being backdated to 1776!!

Oh and Mel Gibson being tried for treason!

An eminently sensible plan. But I don't think we want any of the residents back.

Definitely not! Those backdated taxes would come in very useful though.

Interestingly, this same post has appeared on a newsgroup I was reading today. I wonder who started it?

I have had it from three different sources on email.

I've had it from one source, but not in quite such expansive form
I like the bit about "football"

And US English - it should be officially renamed American or USese.

I got it by e-mail the day before yesterday and caused a stir in two forums with it. Should have thought of starting a new one myself. Was pleased everybody liked it - it even got linked from other forums, bringing new blood into the US election discussion.

I received it by e-mail from a friend in Australia this morning...

It's certainly a change from the Gore/Bush squabbling.

Yep, I got in via email 4 times already.
Still, nice to know that people think of me.

I have a reply to this - or a friend does. I'll get him to give it to me, if you want.

I love it! Make sure that all our American friends see it. However, I would litter it with smileys, sarcastic or otherwise, or they'll think you're 'Yank-bashing'!

Oh this one's brit bashing. I'll get it tomorrow. Or monday...

Its kinda along the lines of that list of George W. Bush quotes...

Its cool, though...

I wouldn't worry about Yank (god, I hate that name) bashing on this one. I'll bet you my grandmother's hearing aide that this one originated in the States. The version posted above is a different generation than the one I got in email, and is a bit more ascerbic, which suggests to me that it found its way to a Brit, who decided to expand it. Plus, I received mine a few days before it appeared here, for what that's worth.

I got another one from Florida. It was a hostage note. They won't release our election until we agree to stop sending them our old people.

REPLY TO THE NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the subjects of Her Majesty, the Queen of England,

In the light of your failure to prevent us from kicking you out in the 18th century and doing as we damn well please, we hereby notify you that you can keep it down over there before we take notice.

Sure, historically America really doesn't pay much attention to the rest of the world. But when someone does catch our eye, we tend to carpet bomb them to a pre-industrial state. It may not be right, or fair, but it is a trend. I suggest you keep it in mind.

To aid in your realization that you should pipe down, the following facts are listed:

1. American English is distinct from British English. Our aluminum is a lovely silver color, and we do not 'armour' our tanks, thank you.

2. When you can tell the difference between an Alabama and Louisiana accent, I'll pay attention to the difference between a Londoner's and a Yorkshireman's accents.

3. Rather than "God save the Queen" you should learn "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". After all, if it weren't for American soldiers you'd speak German today, twice over. And if it weren't for American bread, butter, etc., you would have been starving while we saved your little old island from the Hun.

4. If I were to throw an American football block on football player, he'd be out of the game and I'd be ejected. If I were to throw a real tackle on a rugby player, he'd be maimed. The pads in American football are to keep you from being crippled or killed. Just because rugby players tear their ears in a group hug called a 'scrum' doesn't make them tough. You want tough? You put your arms in the air while a 320 lbs. man slams into you at a dead sprint and still catch the ball, that's tough.

5. If you can't settle the French's hash, find someone else. After all, they have lost to everyone *but* the British this century.

6. The irony of a Brit complaining about American cars is too much. I've driven British cars and they're like a Hyundai, but poorly made. When someone else comes up with an idea as good as the muscle car, we'll think about it.

We really aren't interested in your opinion.

I'm going to rise above the drivel my countryman just posted. However, I would like to point out that the Jaguar was absolutely the worst engineered car on the planet, until recently. Oddly enough, that dramatic turnaround was can be credited to Ford, who recently acquired them. Odder still, Ford is the recipient of many jokes about poor quality in the US, with such lovely acronyms as Fix Or Repair Daily and Found On Road Dead.

And furthermore, English people can't drive real American cars, because they're too wide for the narrow roads. One wonders how they have the ability to compare...