h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This occurred to me last night but it's probably been done to death elsewhere on t'net. *shrug* I don't care.

Maybe it could be alternatively titled, what happens on planet advertising...?

A few from me to start.



Driving a car is a lonesome (but clearly still exhilarating) experience, there are never any others on the road.

Gambling involves many pretty ladies having an incredible time - the type of time depends on the type of gambling. If it's a casino then everyone is in a dinner suit, or cocktail dress, drinking cocktails and everybody is smiling or laughing.
Alternatively if it's bingo, it happens as a group tea and cake experience where noone talks to each other, they all win oodles of cash whilst having a fabby time looking at their phone.

Masterchef is an illusion, all top chefs need is a processed cube of stock to make a restaurant quality meal.



and continue...

Pizza has no calories and never makes you fat.

When playing games, children all sit at a table and all round one side as well.

Perfume attracts panthers, leopards and tigers.

Washing up liquid is used only by attractive women with 7 year old daughters.

PP.

Ovens always get cleaned by women in evening gowns.

Fed up with lack of space? We have plenty for all at reasonable prices, short or long leases available.
All you have to do it arrange transport.

Apply N.AS.A. unreal estate

Buy the super-luxury car that can go fast on city streets that never have any traffic on them.

Desks designed to house a computer and printer etc can be safely placed in the middle of the room, as cables have now been exterminated.

Families on a beach holiday invariably include a bodybuilder of a father in surfing shorts, and a swimwear-clad blonde mother of two children, one boy and one girl (also blonde). Male hair colour is optional, but never ginger. All are laughing.

You have a fight scene in which our hero is up against dozens of adversaries, but that's all right because they don't charge at him en masse. Instead, they fight him one at a time.

The size of a pillow or cushion group increases to fit the size of any available space on its bed or sofa.

no-one actually needs new carpet just a new vacuum cleaner

Slight mistype re computer & printer cables; their nonexistance isn't recent. It predates the mid 1980s*, when I bought my first computer.

*As did the absence of women who could use a computer all by themselves. However, careful management since then has allowed viable populations in some areas. It is now hoped that these will survive until 2020, when some will have reached maturity.

Dirty pots and pans magically disappear once food is on the table.

Human confidence is in inverse proportion to the number of times you're told about ' I lost all my confidence through being... minorly overweight/slightly wrinkly'

Oh and everybody stinks to high heaven unless synthetic smelly stuff is applied liberally.

This now includes everyone's house too.

He falls off a cliff, gets beaten, or is otherwise injured such that in real life he'd be dead. A few minutes later, he's as good as new.

In the advertising universe, women are all-knowing, all-powerful and wise. Men are borderline mental subhumans who are incapable of even the simplest of daily domestic tasks. (This despite the fact that the vast majority of goods being thus advertised (e.g. vacuum cleaners, detergents etc.) are designed by men, made in factories designed, built and staffed in the main by men, and will in the main be paid for by men.)

Men drink beer in threes, and only ever threes. Four men drinking beer together would constitute a potentially intimidating gang. Two men drinking beer together are obviously homosexual, and homosexuals - like women - don't drink beer, they drink spritzers, cocktails and so on. Beer drinkers must therefore only ever be portrayed as operating in threes.

Conversely, in the advertising universe, the only kind of wine is cheap, white and sparkling, and is consumed exclusively by laughing groups of women under 40 in dresses sitting at tables.

In the advertising universe, delayed gratification is an unknown concept. Simply going without something until you can afford it is not something you can even consider, even if the APR on the loan required to buy it stretches to four figures.

In the advertising universe, the important features of a car are how fast it can go from 0-60 and what sort of person owning one makes you. None of the actually important features of a car - how long it will keep running before it breaks down, how much it will be worth when you have to trade it in, and whether you can fit a pram/sofa/paraglider in the boot - are ever mentioned. The exception is adverts for people-carriers, which assume the potential buyer's life as someone with relevant actual taste is over. In this they are, paradoxically, probably correct.

In the advertising universe, an "affordable" watch costs about the same as a Romanian hatchback. "Luxury" watches start at rather more.

Not only that, but knitted monkeys can speak English.

The velocity of carving and servine motion is halved with each doubling of guest numbers.

sorry - 'serving'.

yoghurt is a digestive necessity especially for woman who would probably swell up and explode without it

Cats and dogs choose healthy, nutritious food that goes in but never comes out again.