h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How close are you to your family? How close are you to where you grew up?

Many years ago I ordered flowers for my mother. I chose to use a florist near her and looked up the number. When I gave my name, the woman on the phone said 'Oh! I'm your cousin' (She was actually the daughter of my father's cousin) 'I saw your sister the other day,' she said. Having left the area of my birth several years previously I couldn't get my head around living somewhere where you might bump into relatives in the street.

Or then there's the peculiar phenomenon of having grandparents on tap to look after your children. It must save a fortune! And you can have the odd night out together! And I've even known friends fly away for the weekend!!!

My own situation:
- Left the area of my birth more or less age eighteen. Never really knew it as an adult. Returned for the odd visit.
- Mother died sixteen years ago this 29th Feb, father two years after.
- Wife's parents were nearby - but both too infirm to look after children. Both now dead (father-in-law recently)
- Wife's sister and brother in law 'estranged'. Can't be doing with them. Another brother and sister-in-law tolerable, but not much use.
- I have brother and sister who I rarely talk to. Sister recently unfriended on Facebook, with good reason.
- I apparently have various cousins. I'm only in contact with two, and only via Facebook.



What am I doing wrong? Is anyone else's family as dysfunctional as mine? Am I unusual? Are close family networks the norm or exceptional? Is migration a factor?

etc. etc.

I left home when I was 19. I visited on weekends (if I could afford the tarin ticket) but I never met anybody I'd grown up with. At that time, I was only about 100 or so km away. Then I moved to Frankfurt, which made it nearly 600km. My husband's parents lived even farther away than my parents, so we never had anybody to mind the children - unless either of the grandmothers hopped on a train and came visiting.

I've always been in very close touch with my sister and her family, though. her children and mine sort of grew up together - ie we visited each other as often as possible. I'm not very close to my brother, though.

I have zero contact with two of my three cousins, and little contact with the third.

Migration is a factor. I live in Brussels. One brother in Sydney. The other, and my parents, near Bristol. We get on fine, but its a bit far to pop round for a cup of tea...

So the downside is we don't see each other much - the upside is that when we do, everyone makes an effort at least. In the wider family - cousins and all that - some are great, some less interesting. We see them when we see them.

Basically, families are like friends that you don't choose, right? So it's not surprising that sometimes things go wrong.

sprout

A few years ago I was back home in Liverpool to see a few friends and I was at a train station when someone starts shouting my first name: I've never seen this person in my life and I have a very common first name so I assume she's not calling after me.

She catches up with me and asks why I didn't stop, say hello or acknowledge her in any way. Fairly simple for me: I have no idea who this person is, never seen her and I don't know how she knows who I am. Turns out it's my sister's (the only one of my 3 siblings I still have contact with) fella's mum. I really like my sisters partner - we don't talk much but I respect him, there's not many guys who get their girlfriend preggers at 18 and stick around, providing for his family - but I've never met any of his side of the family. Apparently my sister talked about me a lot because this woman knew my life story. Bit odd to have someone you know nothing about know everything about you.

I've got a huge family: my mum was the youngest of 10 siblings, my dad the youngest of 8 and I have an army of cousins but, apart from my sister and aunt (mum's sister), I don't have anything to do with any of them. My parents and older brother were very abusive so I ran and have rarely looked back. Most of my extended family are nice enough (though there's a streak of alcoholism, drug addiction and mental health issues a mile wide. To me nice enough means 'rarely did me any physical harm') but re-engaging with them means re-engaging with my more immediate family and that's not something I'm interested in doing.

Last summer I had the police come to my door asking if I knew where my dad was, they'd visited all my siblings as he's done something (they wouldn't say what but it could be anything) and asked me, that if he did show up, to give them a call. My response was that if he did show up, they'd get a call as he'd be a bloodied mess on my doorstep which wasn't a joke or an exaggeration: if I ever see my dad again, my instinct will be to commit GBH.

I've created a sort-of family for myself since but it's not the same thing and I sometimes consider contacting my family and giving them a shot, see if we can recreate relationships. I'm not sure I want to: we all responded in different ways to the horrors of our childhoods and that's led to very different personalities that I'm not sure can be reconciled. I think my mum's or aunt's death will prove decisive: if we don't reconnect after those we never will.

Well I certainly can't match any of those tales of woe. My family are.. OK. Pretty odd, with a dash of mental illness scattered in various places, but apart from that just... OK. Thing is, I've never really felt any closeness to any of them really.

As long as none of them are at death's door, I can quite happily go months or even years (and often do) without seeing any of them. Including my mother, father and brother. I too, have never understood the (what would be to me) suffocating closeness that some families seem to need; grown adults who still feel the need to live in the same part of town and see their family, if not daily, certainly weekly. Now, I find *that* odd.

Well... I left my home town when I was 19. Left the country for almost 8 years, came back, but not to the same city. Live in Stockholm now, I have one aunt here, very rare contact. I asked her to help with my kids once, she did it but was so bothered by it I never asked again. I am also all alone at the moment with my two little ones... my man is in the U.S. But anyways no your not weird, if you are I am weird... and think of all the people that actually sit alone for Christmas I mean all alone... thats sometihng to keep in mind perhaps?

Cheers!

PS. You are very fortunate to have your better half and your children with you, its a fact, enjoy...

I once stood on the same railway platform as my brother for at least five minutes without either of us recognising the other.

B

Ed, you asked
>>What am I doing wrong? Is anyone else's family as dysfunctional as mine? Am I unusual? Are close family networks the norm or exceptional? Is migration a factor?<<
In reverse order:

. Is migration a factor?
Yes, of course. Two of my cousins (out of four) who I got on with well enough to want to see more of went to Canada. The other two moved a bit & I moved a lot, so...

. Are close family networks the norm or exceptional?
Depends where you live. In some places, the norm, others exceptional. The norm seems actually to be an unspecific place somewhere between.

. Am I unusual?
In my experience no, not at all.

. Is anyone else's family as dysfunctional as mine?
Dysfunctional? Can't see that as a useful tag.

. What am I doing wrong?
In this sense, nothing.

.

In my own case, I (& later we) have moved and/or been moved around quite a lot (not in the world league, perhaps not national standard but at least county class).
Inevitably that has meant losing touch - with some by neglect and with others through lack of interest. That or (on one side) they took agin us for unspecified reasons.
The Family is now here (after we migrated) and so far we're fairly close (grandsons), though we deliberately kept from living closer than a 20-minute or so drive.

I wasn't meaning to paint quite such a picture of misery.

It just occurred to me that there are two sorts of family life. Some have stayed close to their roots and have family contact. Others have migrated and/or have had family difficulties and so don't. I get the impression that the former is regarded as more normal and those who have this type of family don't necessarily realise how common it is to have no family ties. (not a complaint! just an observation.)

Another thing I've just remembered - my children's school once asked us for the phone numbers of two people they could contact if we were unavailable. We left the form blank but they got back to us and insisted. We made it clear that there *isn't* anyone. We felt slightly as though we'd failed. But we can't have been unique.

"We left the form blank..."

Ohh boy do I know how you feel!

Dont worry, the "normal" families are actually a minority. But, of course they have it good in their way, I would mind having a good social network around me... but everyone has to find their own way of doing things and living their life. Its really easy to start thinking others are more "normal", while there is no normal.

>> I once stood on the same railway platform as my brother
for at least five minutes without either of us recognising
the other. <<

I call that a result.
I'da pushed mine in front of the train soon as.


~jwf~

"my children's school once asked us for the phone numbers of two people they could contact if we were unavailable. We left the form blank but they got back to us and insisted. We made it clear that there *isn't* anyone." [Edward the Bonobo]

Are your children grown now? You might someday find yourself asking one of them to have power of attorney for you. When you go into the hospital for tests or an operation, the hospital might ask you for the name of someone to contact if a problem arises. At least you could list a child.

Please don't beat yourself over this. At least you're a decent enough person that your wife will put up with you. The authorities haven't removed your children from your care. You have relatives, even if they aren't close. Think how it must be for people who don't even have that!

I always thought mine was the average not overly close knit family when I was a child. We lived in the town where my parents had grown so had grandmothers, aunts, uncles and cousins all around.

Then we did the migration thing, only about an hour away but we always had to go and do the visiting.

Currently I only have my husband and daughters living in the same town, dad died a few years ago, sister I speak to often and see a few times a year, relationship with my mum has broken down.

You don't know misery until you all live on top of each other. My nan moved into a small newish council area of Brentwood in the 40s and raised her family. Her 3 sons got council houses nearby, my dad about 5 mins walk from where I now live, one uncle in the house next to the house I know live in. As dad's family grew, they moved to a bigger house, in the same street my brother lives now.

All3 brothers finally settled 2 in the next street to my nan, 1 the street after that. They raised their families, two brothers moved on as their finances improved. My dad, who was first born, was also first pushed out to work at 15 to help finances, so never had a trade and he's still living in that house (although now owns it mortgage free). Nan moved to a smaller place opposite the house I live in now, and I arrived in her street about 15 years later. She is not with us any longer, but I lived opposite her for about 6 years.

My brothers moved about a bit (well compared to me a LOT), but now one lives as I mentioned in the same bit of Brentwood I live in now, in the same street as one of the houses we grew up in, 15 mins walk. Another brother lives about another 15 mins walk after that. My third brother lives just on the boundary of the next town, not really walkable, but 15 mins drive.

I see them all, all the time. We're also all on Facebook together. There's always someone there if you get stuck in the snow, need a babysitter, need a friendly face or favour. My nieces and nephews are spread around more, Romford, Grays and Cornwall as they've moved on with their mother's.

I often fantasise about moving the HELL AWAY FROM THIS TOWN.

*mothers*

Three generations of Wards have been at that same school. I'm damned if I'll still be here to see a 4th!

You're right, I have no idea that there are people who have siblings but are just not in contact. My dad isn't any more, since my nan died, but he is stil in contact with 3 female cousins who my nan helped bring up after their mother died. Maybe it's a woman thing?

No siblings. Four cousins and an aunt I never see any more. Vague awareness of *extremely* extensive extended family in distant parts (i.e. great-uncle/aunts and second cousins number *at least* 250, Worcestershire, Washington state, Australia...), but no direct contact, ever. Don't know the names of the vast majority of them.

Maternal grandmother died last October. Close to mother, who lives a half hour drive away, probably talk on the phone a couple of times a week and maybe see each other a couple of times a month. Met my father last September for the second and probably final time, the first being twenty years ago. Vaguely aware he has two daughters about half my age, my half-siblings, but don't know if he even sees them or has anything do with them - he's on his third marriage and they were from the second. Know their names but wouldn't know them if I saw them. No kids, so no need of babysitting support etc.

So - happy family, I'd say.

@paulh:

No - children not yet grown. Two at fourteen, one nine. We hope to keep on good terms with them so that they can support us in our dotage. It's going to plan so far. My own parents died young-ish, but my wife supported hers and was very close to her father until he died last year. He was cared for (after a fashion! long story) in a residential home, and towards the end she took power of attorney.

I'm not beating myself up over any of this as such...although I will confess that these issues bring forth emotions of - what? - inadequacy? It's the old, familiar Abandonment Issues stuff, I guess. I started out in a close family centred around my grandparents with uncles and aunts and cousins and people-we-treated-as-relatives all in the same community. That's not there now - although a handful of the people are - and the child part of the personality reverts to 'What did I do wrong? It must be my fault!'

Meh. I've given up sending Christmas cards.

'Ach, but greet an' in your tears ye'll droun the hail clanjamfrie.'

Not close even if we go through the motions of contact now and then.

In my nuclear family most of the abuse was of the psychological variety. Sure I was beaten black and blue but that didn't seem to hurt in the way the other stuff has.

Also making money and going up in the world was the dominant cultural atmosphere.

I had lots of superficial things like endless camping trips abroad and being taken to football matches. But the most precious thing of all was stolen from me at the age of 7 by moving to a suburban hell hole, with zero sense of community apart from the 'nice' children in the houses either side. I've never recovered. It set in train panic attacks and non sleeping...and I wasn't allowed to talk about it.

Working class extended family didn't grab me either. But then we had now entered the land of classless going up in the world.

Up to the age of 7 it was fine though ish...I was never there.

They support me a lot now financially which I'm grateful for.

And the irony is that I'm scared of them dying...but then I wasn't given a proper foundation...just a lot of building on the surface.