h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What happens when the two sides of a couple (strongly) disagree on whether to have children or not?

Do you know couples who stayed together despite their disagreement, and what happened afterwards?

It's definitely a tricky one and not something I think can be easily resolved without one person at least being very unhappy. If you really want children, you'd be miserable never having them, if you really don't want children, you'd be miserable having them!

Yes, I would imagine that it is so, too.

But there is also that stereotype of the reluctant parent who ends up becoming even crazier than the one who wanted children in the first place. Does this happen only in movies?

I think that if it's not forced on you, you can come around to the idea if you're willing to try.

I think forcing someone to become a parent (obviously, this would only really be likely if it's the female that wants children) is pretty much a good way to end a relationship.

Hm. Essentially I guess it depends on why the reluctance and why the insistence. perhaps a bit of mediation with a professional could be the best idea..

to sort out this problem

both of you sit down and watch any episode of the jeremy kyle show

either both of you will want kids in a nice stable family enviroment
or
niether of you will want to rear spoilt little gits


make war not love

Mediation by a professional? How much more professional than the h2g2 community can they get?

Ok, I'll tell you this. in my (un) professional opinion, the parent who doesn't want children will probably make a fantastic parent so long as they can be emotionally involved when it comes down to it because they wont spoil their child through wrapping it in cotton wool and responding to it's every whim with a guilt-filled rush of love.

The parent who is desperate to have children, I have to ask why they wish to inflict this on their partner. Did they not know how their partner felt before they got serious? Did they think they could be changed?

Speaking from personal experience here. Hubby and I didn't discuss having children before we got married. Because of the era I grew up in, I assumed it was just something that happened. I'd have problems trying to juggle career and family, but I would have kids. After we got married I learned that hubby really did _not_ want to have children. He said that if I ever had serious mental problems over not being a mother he'd reconsider, otherwise he'd prefer to remain childless.

That was 18 years ago. I went along with his wishes, and although I felt at first that we were missing the point of being married, I have no regrets now. I suppose I wasn't _desperate_ for children in the first place. In fact, the health problems I developed 8 years ago make me glad we don't have kids.

This isn't yourself you're talking about, is it, Toybox? Somehow I don't think so.

Like Cheerful Dragon, I didn't really have any thoughts on the matter and we - stupidly - didn't talk about children before we got married. However, I was easy either way, really, so when my husband rolled his sleeves up and said "Right, time to start having children", I did my bit, grit my teeth and thought of England. I have great kids and they grow into adults before you can say "episiotomy", so it's no great deal.

I have two things to say on the subject in general:

1. Do talk about it seriously and definitively before committing yourself to a partner.

2. A couple I know have three kids. She wanted to have children and practically bullied him into starting a family. By the third child, it was him who was wanting another - she'd had enough! In other words, you can change your mind once the patter of tiny feet starts to penetrate your ears!

Oh and

3. You have 9 months to get used to the idea if you do get pregnant, either by mistake or intentionally.

At 29 years old I *really* did not want children. My partner quite liked the idea but...

...14 years later I have three boys two of them to previous mentioned partner and one to my hubby. All of them were little 'bonus balls' and I (and their respective Dads) would not be without them...

To add a bit of info...

My previous partner and I were together for 13 years and had *our* first after seven and my hubby and and I had been together for around ten months before the rugrat was born... Hubby and I have been together for seven years (and he only became 'hubby' in August - guess which one was the keeper?)

In answer to the original question, yes it has been known split couples up if the wanting doesn't go away on the part of one partner and the other won't budge.

Mine were both *surprises*

Why couldn't it be about myself?

The problem is not, having children and finding out that it is great after all, but having them and finding out that your feelings do not change. I would find this somehow unfair to the child too.

I am also reminded of the following situation. Some time ago, everyone (well, a few people anyway) was telling me to go for, um, a specific job, and that I would do great. On the other hand I didn't think I could actually do the job. Finally I let myself get persuaded (how hard could it be anyway?), but then I had to leave before breaking down completely

unlike jobs, there are biological changes that tend to come with having children, for dad as well as mum. Nature's on the side of nurture on this one!

Sorry - I didn't want to be nosy.

We can only give generalisations and quote from examples we know and our own experiences. As you saw from your experience with the job, you only know yourself what the eral situation is and can make the final decision.

But, since you ask, we're happy to verbalise a few arguments and present a wide variety points of view, which might help your decision.

It's one helluva big decision and I hope that those concerned make the right one, or, if nature makes the decision for them, that they come to terms with it amicably.

I have a good friend who left her partner (they'd been together a number of years) because she strongly felt there should be children in her future, and he refused to contemplate the idea. Sadly, it isn't something you can compromise on - she didn't want to go through life and end up resenting him for depriving her of children (or at least of the opportunity to try to have them) and she didn't want to force him into potentially having a child he did not want and may never bond with.

For them, splitting up was the (painful) right thing to do.

My hubby wasn't keen on the idea of having kids but also didn't want to get to 50 and wish he'd had them and find it too late. I wanted them so we went ahead - it has been difficult for him to adjust to our new lives and bond with our son but he is getting there. And having had the first one we thought we might as well go ahead and add to the chaos

Nobody else can say what will be right for you, and you can't rely on the reluctant party coming around once the baby is here - as we now know, having a child can be a massive shock to your relationship and unless both parties are committed it can be hugely difficult indeed.

Don't worry, it didn't look embarrassingly nosy to me

Quoting from examples and experience was originally rather what I was looking for; you usually get a nice wide range of these here in ask. Of course verbalised arguments are important too, to illustrate the examples.

I spent 13 years of marriage (and the 21 years of my life prior to that) absolutely _NOT_ wanting children.

really really wanted children - but he tried to be happy with nieces and nephews because he wanted to be with me. And then...

here we are 10 years later with The Gruesome Twosome. And although I have my moments, I really really wouldn't be without them.

However, I worked it out about a year ago. It's not children I didn't want, it was babies and small children. After about the age of 8 they began to get interesting, and now they're brilliant. Trying, but brilliant.

(my change of mind was almost literally overnight, classic textbook case of the biological clock kicking in - so much so that I couldn't see a baby without getting all emotional. And even then I waited more than 6 months to share that news just in case it was a blip)

It's all very well saying that couples should discuss this before decided to get married, that's certainly advisable. However in reality I'm sure for many couples that prospect seems so far ahead that, as with many other issues that can make or break a relationship, they gloss over it.
Also, feelings do change and like any radically opposing views, it can certainly be a factor in relationship breakdown.

We only talked about children after we got married - weren't even sure if we could have any as hubby had mumps as an adult. It was the ticking clock that urged us to try, rather than especially wanting to be parents. I'm so glad because luckily now have two sons & I feel that having them has been the best aspect of my life.

The difficulty is that you just don't know how you'll feel about it and it's such a momentous decision.

-*- Aside -*-

Well Done Toy Box for making the QOTD with Post 6