h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My fiancé (when am I ever going to get tired of typing that word) and I are going to have a civil ceremony, and have as much of the enormous family along as poss, really because for me, the ceremony is not about promising etc etc as I feel I've done that in my heart of hearts. It's about showing the world, and especially my family, that I legally and morally am part of a new family, and he and I are THE person in each other's lives. As is, if I was to be ill, or one of our future children was to be ill, he wouldn't really get a say in either my treatment or his own child's treatment. This is not really to be countenaced. Also, my family, though marvellous and fantastic, don't know me half as well as they like to think they do and I'd much rather 'belong' to my OH, insofar as a feminist liberated atheist can 'belong' to anyone.

I can identify with Agapanthus’s comment about family not knowing you as well as they’d like to think. Very true, especially when you have lived away from them for a long time.

HERE! HERE! Well said, Winterlily. There were people at my wedding reception invited by my (now ex) husband’s father whom neither of us had ever met before.

Do it your own way. Do it for the right reasons and, if you have any real doubts then DON’T do it at all.

My best friend recently celebrated her 18th wedding anniversary. They’ve had their ups and downs but they are a really well matched couple and they’ve got three smashing kids. Good luck to anyone planning to tie the knot soon. I understand that marriage is really great when it works.

<<Do it your own way. Do it for the right reasons and, if you have any real doubts then DON&#8217;T do it at all.>>

A friend of mine who's getting married in the summer is having problems with her fiance's sister trying to take over planning the wedding. Fortunately, she's pretty strong-willed and isn't letting her win! Plus her fiance is also telling his sister to bog off. But I can imagine that it's difficult to tell your future family to off and leave you to it.

Definite to those planning at the moment!

I read in a book that often you can end up with post-wedding depression; all your efforts have been focussed on this one day, and now it's over, you've got nothing to do. I think if you end up feeling this, you've done it wrong!

pre-wedding stress I can identify with - post-wedding depression seems extremely unlikely at the moment...

sprout

Kelli - I totally forgot to congratulate you!! Have fun, I really enjoyed our (budget) wedding. I'd have had a bigger party if I'd had the money - but only because I like parties.

We stood by the table handing sherry to those arriving, and I was doing a "one for the guest, one for me" routine. I was hammered when we sat down to eat!

I think marriage works best when you communicate, and don't pay too much attention to (unwanted) outside interference.

"But I can imagine that it's difficult to tell your future family to off and leave you to it."

I haven't met my inlaws yet.
Coming up on two years married and I haven't so much as set eyes on my mother in law.

Mind you, she's 2000 miles away and MY folks are further so we live our lives relatively relative free.

When my sister married, there was a bit of an issue over who was going to get their own way about the reception. My ma and sis nearly stopped talking over it, which would have made the arrangements difficult. I believe that, when there is doubt, it's the Bride's day and she makes the rules.

Hello all...congratulations to everyone who is looking forward to their own special days.
Reading over the last few postings has made me realise ,nobody helped me with our wedding arrangements..Maybe that was because it was the general opinion that we were too young, and it wasn't going to last,so it wasn't that important anyway!!!!!!

We were going to have our civic ceremony before with all the celebration and party. We cancelled it though! Mum wanted in on everything, and when I told her that the wedding cake was going to be sponge, she said we can't because it has to be fruit cake. I said Moonglum doesn't like fruitcake so it makes sense for his cake to be something he would eat. She said it has to be fruit, so you can send pieces to those who can't make it, I said I wasn't going to send any pieces to those who can't make it. She said that was wrong!

A lot of other things happened, including my back going into paralysis as it sometimes does in times of stress, so you could say the cake incident was the last straw which broke my back!!

She denies saying any of that now though!

I thought you could get cakes with one layer fruit and the other sponge....

I know it was so silly, I did suggest that, but she was in militant mum mode in the end!

She enjoyed our civic ceremony in the end though, although she kept asking whether we were having certain things/people etc. She couldn't get her head round a wedding without rings, special dresses, photographers, flowers etc. I don't blame her for that though. Funnily enough she was married in a registry office 33 years ago, when that was still very new and risky! I find it great that she was a groovy, hippy who broke rules back then, and she now is full on establishment and tries to prevent me from being anti-establishment. How things change!!

I'm trying to think of a way to have a multilayered for mine - can have that for the dessert then so it would bring the cost down a bit.

We may have to have one fruit layer though as my fiance's mum makes them, and he loves them, even though I think they are

I usee to make and decorate wedding cakes,but can't do it any longer.
the traditional tiered wedding cake isn't done as much now,but stands are available (to hire) which ae made of glass,and are for two or three seperate cakes.How about a fruit one for the first tier,then cheesecake for the other(s).they ould all be decorated alike......then you'd all be happy.

I don't think that you should get married until you know it will last, not as a revitaliser, but as a celebration of a loving relationship. Marriage should be a celebration of still going strong, not a hope for it to last. There should be no thought of hope at the point of marriage. My parents for example, are getting married, eventually, but the marriage isn't a prioroity because they know they are going to be together forever and marriage for them is just a reason to have a party.

More things should sound like episodes of Sex in the City, then life would be entertaining all the time.

Marriage is like golf. You rarely make it all the way to the green on your first shot.

Especially if you are young, the chances of the first marriage working out are slim, or rather working out and both parties being happy are slim. There is no shame in being divorced (as you can tell, I am), and no shame in divorce at any age, be it 20 (like me, when I divorced four years ago) or 60. At the time, I was distraught, but now I realize how different I am after college. It's hard to imagine me with my ex and being happy.

Don't get trapped. Marriage can be wonderful, but I testify, so can divorce.

I think a lot of people get married too soon.

You're only ready for the promise of commitment when you already trust the person enough not to need it to be legally binding.

But when do you know for sure? You don't. I reckon that many who divorce thought when they married that it would be for ever.

Sometimes things go wrong, circumstances affect relationships, people change. Someone turns out to have hidden traits or develops ones that the other can't accept.

I agree that trust is extremely important. The person you marry should be someone you trust with your life & property & with whom you are willing to share everything.

Wishing much happiness to all who are just embarking on marriage!

marriage is great institution .some men are not ready to be institutionalized<

I had a friend who met and married the man of her dreams.He had been married before,very briefly,at the tender age of seventeen,and that had resulted in a divorce.They we were married for 39years,and had two daughters,with an age gap of 13 years.When the eldest daughter was 26,she passed away,and they supported each other through all the sadness of their loss.During the 39th year of their marriage he met his ex-wife,(whilst out shopping,i believe).He left his wife,and after a short while he
e re-married the girl he was was married to over forty years before.I suppose it just goes to show that even the long term marriages aren't always perfect .

my parents have been married over 50 yrs i think the main problem these days people treat it as some so sort of fashion show an excuse for a big party

What an interesting thread. I've been totally engrossed. Interesting to read other people's views on the subject, and so much to comment on.

Not sure where to start now though. Firstly, my own opinion of marriage is that it is not to be entered into lightly. I have no religious or moral standpoint on the rights or wrongs, but personally, if I was to get married, I would mean every word of those vows, for better or worse. From this viewpoint, I would therefore feel it is neccessary to have known your partner inside and out for a long time beforehand, to be sure you are compatible on life's long journey. Undoubtedly, you will both change over time, but marriage is the commitment to tackle and support each other through the changes. Hope this view doesn't sound too imperialistic, but I guess my ideal of marraige is the 'traditional' one, and I wouldn't want to get married for anything less than the 'right' reasons. What the reasons are, of course, will vary from person to person, but at a minimum for me 'right' means someone who I can trust, who will support me, to whom my happiness is paramount, and who will make me a better person for being with them. In return, I would endeavour to give them the same. Marriage should be based on equal terms.

I think a common mistake in marriage/relationships is that people become reliant on their partner, and forget their own hopes, needs and goals. In the long term, you have to remember to be yourself, because that is who attracted your partner in the first place. A needy, insecure, untrusting person is almost guaranteed to drive away the object of their affections. Honesty is also essential. If you don't have mutual trust, you are already on the road to disaster. Another neccessary ingredient for a long-term relationship is to be able to be friends, and not to lose sight of that. Often those relationships that started out as 'friendship' are the enduring ones.

I'm sure I wanted to say much more, but that should do for starters. On a final note, I think the access/easiness of marriage and divorce should be proportionate. Currently, divorce is a difficult and timely process. If marriage was equal to the divorce process, people would have to show a lot more commitment and be far more certain of their own feelings before entering into marriage.

Oh, and one more 'final' point! I think that maybe some men's reluctance to 'commit' should be taken as a positive sign. If they are not certain of their feelings, would it really be a good thing to get married? For women, there is still a certain amount of pressure that marriage is the 'right' way, and for men that it is a 'trap' to be avoided. If you have a reluctant man, be pleased that if/when he takes that decision to commit, he really means it.