h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lets see how far this goes before it gets "yikesed". Keep it clean but please help with the production. I've never made a porn film before.

First the sound track.

Funky guitar track.

CHACKA CHACKA WACKAWACKA
CHACK CHACKA WACKA
CHACKA CHACKA WACKAWACKA
CHACK CHACKA WACKA

Over to you.

PP

*guy walks in looking like a reperman with a really big mustach (like all porn actors) making him look like freddy murcury holding a monky wrench*

hi Ime here to fix the air condishaning

*An improbably beutiful young lady with long blonde hair and a Swedish accent, dressed in just a flimsy night gown comes to the door*

It's over there *points towards the kitchen*

One strap of the repair man's overalls is undone revealing a bulging pectoral.

There is brown and yellow wallpaper all over the place and lampshades made of silver metalic discs.

CHACKA CHACKA WACKAWACKA

PP

she goes to show the reper man wher the leak is and a stream of water that puts niagra falls to shame drenches her turning her night gown see through she flicks her hair*


OHHHHHHHH!

CHACKA CHACKA WACKACHACKAWACKA

"Oooh" she says "I'm all wet and these are the only clothes I have . "I must go and change my nightie", turns towards the door. "I'll just go upstairs and ask my brunette friend if I can borrow something of hers".

CHACKA CHACKA WACKACHACKAWACKA

PP

*the guy fixes the air condishaning with alot of grunting and gronign, he undoes his other stap reviling his bair chestand carrys on getting all hot and swety untill the two friends walk in*

"Ooo" says the brunet "hes gotten all hot"

Right I've finished repairing it. That'll be £50 including callout, parts and labour.

CHACKA CHACKA WACKACHACKAWACKA

*The blond is shocked*

"Oh we dont have that kind of money"
The brunet says seductivly "is there anything els you want I know I want to touch your wrench"

The repair man looks at his watch.

"I really should be going, my friend Sven outside in the van is. We have to take his big gold chain to the jewelers to be polished whilst he has his big curly blond perm washed"

CHACKA CHACKA WACKAWACKA.

PP

The blond says
"bunny is so good at polashing things why dont you bring sven to joen us"

the repairman strokes his 'tache and looks into camera with an eyebrow raised.

*The door opens jerkily and a blonde Nordic he-man in a tool belt lurches in*

Carl, vy is it you are taking so long, my medallion needs such a good polishing, my chest hair is becoming qvite unmanageable, I vill be late for my Kama Sutra class, vitch I teach, oh, hello ladies.

WACKAWACKACHING WACKAWACKACHACKA

"Oooh Sven", says the blonde "your medallion is soo biig". Can I polish it for you whilst a shower it is that I am hafing?"

CHACKA WACKA WACKAWACKACHACKA

PP

"But oh, that shower is so difficult to operate on your own, I must help you to wash the medalion. I hope we have enough soap, I plan to get ridiculously lathered up"
Says the blonde.

"Sven" shouts Carl from the shower room, "this Shower switch seems to be shtuck". Have you got your big wrench with you?"

CHACKA WACKA CHACK.

PP

Interference lines accross the screen where the tape has been copied from one domestic VCR to another.

CHACKKKKA WWWWWWWACCCCCKKKKKA CHAK

"Sven, I suspect that yur blonde friend is nuert a natural blond"

PP

**blonde fingers her nipples and pretends to be enjoying it**

Understated brass-synthesiser section over the guitar: WAAAAAAH - WAH-WAH.

B

*attempts to bring the camera into focus then tries to mend the wobbly tripod*

Suddenly, Natalie the Editor of h2g2 steps into frame with a cricket bat, fells Sven with a blow () to the head () and looks straight into camera.

"Right. Stop that now. There'll be no home-made porn, or even any MENTION of home-made porn, on MY site. Don't expect any explanation or justification. It's not my decision, someone else is making me do this, even though this is my responsibility. So if you ask me why I'm doing it, I'll lie to you and pretend it's nothing to do with me."

CHACKA WACKA WACKA zzzzzzzzzzztttttttttt.

The Blonde and the Brunette put Sven on a stretcher and cart him off to casualty while everyone who was enjoying this thread settles down to do something Natalie would approve of, like crocheting or something.