h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Inside the bus all was calm and quiet. Except for the earplitting scream of the Ticket Collector "TICKETS PERLEESE" he yelled.
Lucy and Possibly Arthur rummaged about their (newish) clothing and discovered to their hooror that the storyline had failed to give them any financial means of support.
"If you can't pay you'll have to get off" said the Ticket Master as he saw their frantic search and worried faces

being that there were very few times in the not so very interesting life of a Ticket Collector that there might possibly be the chance to inspire frantic worrying about much of anything. Of course as soon as our heroic (?) couple realized this, they merely politely excused themselves from the Ticket Collector's rather boring presence and got off at the next stop (leaving the Ticket Collector to his insipid thoughts on whether he might, in fact, have been a Ticket Collector in a former life).

Looking around at street signs in order to determine where they were, our couple noticed that there was a sausage vendor standing by his cart, staring at them rather rudely. To put him off, Lucy marched up to him and demanded,

that he either poke out his eyes with a sausage or hand over all his earnings. the sausage vendor (being incredibly stupid and thinking that lucy actually had power over him and could make him poke his eyes out with a sausage) handed the days earnings which came to a total of $34.85. Lucy smiled triumphantly and

In a pub somewhere in the story Pestilence looked at Death and said: "You can't hide here forever you know. Hunger and me can have a good long time before anyone notices we haven't been around a while, but You! You have been in this bar for nearly two weeks now and they must start notice now. People running around without liver and things like that, people who have been run over again and again and they just won't die. I think you really should get back on the job..."
Death turned back to bartender and began to wave. The bartender put a new pint in front of Death and silently but firmly stepped back, just enough to be out of reach, just in case...

...Death decided to kill him, which would be a shame as the barman was thinking of expanding and buying another bar. Anyway Death turned to the others and said " I'm getting too old for this shit but i suppose you are right."
He waved his hands in the air and said
"I wish Cliff Richard and all people called Bernard to die"
Why Cliff Richard the barman asked.
"Because he is too old and his latest song is just sooo crap that i and the rest of the world feel he must rot in hell. This will also improve my reputation as i will no longer be feared but loved because i killed Cliff Richard... See"
Mmmmm the others kind of understood his logic but thought that just killing people named Bernard wouldn't really make much difference, but they decided to keep quiet as Death could kill them at any moment. This is why Death always wins at Twister.
Anyway all over the world people named Bernard were keeling over, and Cliff Richard who at the ripe old age of 60(ish), who at this moment was finally about to lose his virginity to a 90 year old fan called Hilda, who had a beard that most men would die for suddenly keeled over and died (Hooray!!)
Within minutes people all over the wotld were celebrating the death of Cliff, which included (to get back to the so called plot) Lucy, Arthur and the Wizard. In this moment of celebration the wizard decided to.......

You really want the star of Expresso Bongo, The Young Ones and Summer Holiday to die? On reflection, perhaps you do have a point. One downside though; that bloody record would not be off the radio for weeks.

completely ignore the last errant thought regarding Cliff Richard and radio play and focus on whatever shredded tatters of whatever was left of a nonexistent plot. He turned back to the task of convincing young Arthur that he was indeed Arthur.

Arthur was having none of it.

"Right. And I really don't remember anything in the story of the Search for the Holy Grail regarding liver-lobbing, Arthur's eyes being any sort of fruit whatsoever, and I am fairly certain there were no characters named Tallulah or Biff."

"Right." Lucy added, "and I know that there was no Yellow Brick Road, backwards or otherwise, and Bob Evans sausage was nowhere to be found."

"Yes," explained the Wizard. "But the occasional mauve weasel would pop up now and again."

"So? Weasels are not a new invention! Duh!!" Possibly Arthur rolled his eyes. "And anyway, if you were on *my* side, you wouldn't have turned my eyes into fruit!"
"Come on, darling.. don't waste any more time on him!" Lucy took his arm, friendly but firm, and again they jumped on the first, purple bus that came by.
"Let's go to an Internet cafè," she continued. "On the Net we will surely find the truth!"

and then dissolved into giggles at ssuch a joke.
"Hoorah" cried the Wizard stirring the dissolved puddle of Lucy with his foot. "One down One to go"...

Suddenly the wiz lost his shoe, and began giggling uncontrollably, since pools of dissolved giggles tend to tickle.

Which of course led to the Wizard himself dissolving into a puddle as well, and mixing with the Lucy puddle.

Possibly Arthur stared with dismay at the Wizard/Lucy mess on the ground, thinking that he had been right in the beginning thinking he would end up having the share the girl with the Wizard in some manner.

Realizing that even if he was Possibly Arthur the King transported to the future, a fat lot of good it did him now since the Wizard was now at this very moment congealing at his feet.

Well, all I need now is...

Someone to start Chapter Two, before this whole dimension crashes down around itself. He looked about the horizons and marveled as the cracks even now began forming. Hoards of mauve weasles swarmed in from the west, while from the east came a gazillion Lucy Intheskywithdiamonds kaleidoscope-eyed look-alikes, all with very serious expressions. "Utoh" he thought... We're all in for it now. And with that, he commenced running.

He ran and ran for 3 days but then stopped as he realised that whilst he was running the storyline was standing still. As he stopped he heard someone shouting behind him and looked around to see Merlin and Lucy trying to catch up with him. "Last time I saw you two you were a congealed pile of giggles - how did you escape the mauve weasels?" said Arthur. "Because I'm a bloody wizard" said Merlin, "or hadn't you noticed? Now can we get back to my time before the whole universe starts to come to bits?". "OK", said Arthur, "You are obviously convinced that you are THE Merlin travelling in time, even though I still think you are just a sad old git who's after my girl - so if you really are who you say you are then prove it!". At that moment Merlin raised his hands above his head and started chanting in some strange tongue. The ground started to tremble and the surroundings started to shimmer and suddenly....

The sky turned the colour of blood and the air smelt of orange...

The strawberry ground was filled with footsteps from a creature with gigantic sized feet, and there was noone around.
"Duh" P.Arthur thought."What kinda lousy place is this?? No REAL wizard would have chosen such a place just to prove some his magic!"

Merlin thought about this for a moment, then decided to send the boy back into the past to get rid of him for a moment, thinking that, as an added bonus, it might be easier to convince Possibly Arthur that he was Really Arthur (while he was) in the past, while a mauve weasel came out of nowhere (actually somewhere, but that's another story, and the one story's confusing enough without bringing another in, so we'll just say nowhere and leave it at that) and tried to bring an end to this incredibly long, confusing run-on sentence, but before it could, Death decided it might cheer him up to bring an end to mauve weasels, therefore letting the sentence continue, and making the storyline a little less confusing, though not much; unfortunately, Death brought and end to neither Baker nor weasels of other colors, which allowed two things to happen: this single, page-long run-on sentence continued, and a regular dimension-hopping *brown* weasel popped into the bar for a drink and bit Death on the arse as punishment for killing his (the weasel's) mauve cousins, but Death got the last laugh by making for the weasel (he killed the bartender, remember?) a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, which gave the weasel a hangover that was far worse then mere death, while Baker finally decided that this sentence was getting almost as long and convoluted as the storyline, and that there had better be a period or some other kind of full stop in the near future,and that this was as good a place as any. Meanwhile, in another time (and finally another sentence), Possibly Arthur said...

'I've been bitten by a green weasel!', for, in wiping out the formerly dominant mauve weasels, Death had inadvertantly allowed the far more bloodthirsty green weasels, which had until now been kept in check by their comparatively harmless mauve brethren, to take over whatever planet they were from and begin traveling through time, space, and other dimensions biting people, and one of them had indeed bitten Possibly Arthur, who, after beating the weasel to a bloody green pulp with a stick he had found, suddenly realized that he didn't have a surname, or if he had, he had lost it at the same point that he lost track of the plot, assuming there was ever a plot to begin with. He didn't think there was.

like well.......oranges? and arthur and lucy and the wizard who might or might not have been The merlin were blown into tiny pieces. gone. no more. dead.

That is, they would have been if Death would have been doing his job. Death still performing as a bartender hadn't noticed anything.
Meanwhile bits of Merlin where attempting to perform bits of magic to get together Arthur, Lucy and last but not least himself.
We won't describe in detail the results of the first attempts as Arthur and Lucy came a bit mixed up and looked far worse than a Tallulah-lookalike.

But finally Merlin managed to reassemble all three of them into something that appeared satisfactory. However the clothing had got slightly mixed up and Merlin was now wearing a bra. This slight detail did not deter him so he started to chant and wave his hands around again and then suddenly the surroundings changed. "What on earth is that smell?" said Arthur.