h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Annie, are you okay? Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?"

No I'm not, you pillock, can't you see I've been hit by a smooth criminal? There's blood everywhere.

"Ebony and ivory sit together in perfect harmony, side by side on my piano keyboard, Oh lord, Why can't we?"




Well for a number of reasons:

1. we wouldn't all fit, unless you've got a huge keyboard
2. the issues invloved in inter-racial harmony are quite complex, and I'm not sure they'd be resolved just by squishing everyone onto a musical instrument.
3. Ebony is from tropical rainforests , and ivory is from the tusks of endangered elephants - hardly the environmentally-friendly image you want to be banging on about, quite frankly.

"Please, please tell me now, if there something i should know?"

Well sir, if you took our quick and easy knowledge gap test, then we would be able to evaluate your inate knowledge, your learnt knowledge, and your experimental knowledge. Using our complex intelligence synthesis model we would compare your results with the standard measure of required knowledge in order to see if you were difficent in any area. We would utilise this in order to fill any knowledge gap that may exist. At the end of this experience you will know all that you should.

"Where do I begin?"

At the start of course !

Why do you have to be a heart-breaker?

Didn't know I was sorry.

What becomes of the broken hearted?

They're melted down and made into novelty, semi-pornographic trinkets.

What's the name of the game?

Oh yes, and the rules are?

Do you remember, when we used to play, in the Government Yard in Trenchtown?

You must have me confused with someone else - I don't remember meeting you before - ever.

'Do you know the way to San Jose ?'

Errrrrr, no sorry, I don't.

"Mister can you tell me where my love has gone, he's a Japanese boy"


Well I'd start looking amongst all the tourists in London flocking round Picadilly, but if he's not there it might be worth checking Tokyo......

What's it all about, Alfie?

I'm not Alfie, but apparently the answer is 42

'How deep is your love?'

It's deep, very deep indeed.

Whatever happened to old fashioned love?

Well, the Catholic Church is really trying to stamp out that sort of thing these days!

Isn't it a wonder as a newborn baby cries?

Not at 3am it isn't!

'When will I, will I be famous?'

Back in the late 80's possibly ? But not for very long lads, unlucky!

Where do broken hearts go?

Well, before the broken hearted are melted down and made into novelty, semi-pornographic trinkets (re post 166), their broken hearts are taken out and used for stuffing sofa cushions!

What makes those men do what they do?


Very large quantities of alcohol, if I'm not mistaken

How do I live without you?

Prozac sweetie, works wonders!

'How much is that doggy in the window?'

I don't know - depends on how much Charles Saatchi paid for it I guess...

"Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it?"

Certainly is. Maybe you should put it in the fridge next time.

"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies..."

You are a hugely talented artist who will sustain a career and become a world-renowned superstar. You will also become obscenely rich.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 64?

No, I'll poison you and claim the insurance.