h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have a bit of a problem and need some help... So I thought I might get some advise from this place...

One of my closets friends is male. I have known him for 2 years now, but only in the past 5 months or so have we become really close. We have this really great friendship where we can talk about anything. We talk on the phone everyday for at least and hour or two (we live in different cities) and we tell each other everything...

Well, almost everything... The thing is, for the past couple of months now, I have been developing feelings for him, beyond friendship. And suddenly I realised that I have been trying to kid myself, because it was obvious to everyone else that I was in love with him, only I could not admit it to myself.
Well, no I admit it, I am head over heals in love with him... But I don´t know if I should tell him or not.

I mean if I tell him and he feels the same way, then I could end this tourment and be happy with him.

But if I tell him and he doesn´t feel the same way, then I could lose the great friendship we have today, and possibly lose it all together. I couldn´t live with that...

What do I do???

unfortinatly hun there isnt much you can do...it is as you said you dont want to loose the friend ship. about the only thing I can sugest is if yo have a mutual friend see if they would talk to him obvasly make shure they dont menchan that you have talked to them about it but see if they can find out if he has feelings for you or not.

proberbly no help at all but it is the only thing I can think of
s

That is much better advice than I was going to give... I run my life on high risk strategy, and I would make a move or ask a question, and take the consequences... which sometimes have been not what I wanted.

But Bob's idea is much better than mine.

If you are such close friends, you have a really good basis for a lovely relationship.

Good Luck!

agcB

Dear Dax

"We talk on the phone everyday for at least and hour or two (we live in different cities) and we tell each other everything..."

honey I have *really* close male friends and I don't talk to them this much...

I think it is a good sign.

Bob's advice is spot on, even if like Ben I tend to go for the risk approach!

Best of luck

Dax

It sounds like a really good friendship, and a really good friendship shouldn't be screwed up if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings. If he doesn't then it isn't meant to be, and hopefully you'll get over it, or maybe - in time! - he'll come round to your way of thinking.

Communication without fear or embarrassment is important in a friendship, and crucial in a relationship: this would be a really good start.

Good luck!

Wow... thank you all, this means a lot.

We do have some mutual friends, but not on a friendship level that we are on, i.e. I don´t think he would admit it to any of them if he really did have romantic feelings for me.

But there is a lot more to this than what I layed out at first. It all started as I said a couple of months ago. Some friends of our started asking what was going on between us, because we talked all the time and had that thing where you say one word and lie rolling on the floor laughing and nobody else knows what your talking about. So naturally some of them wanted to know if there was something between us... At that time I had no feelings towards him in that way, or at least I wouldn´t admit that to myself. Then I had a really vivid, 3-D dream where he kissed me. After that I started to think about him all the time and still do...

The thing that really gets me though, is that after our friends were hinting at us, we started to make jokes about our secret loveaffair, which has now developed into some pretty extream flirting. We have a privat phoneline for talking so that others can still reach us and the phone wont be busy all the time. We call it our "hotline" and joke that it is for our secret phonesex.
Sometimes when we talk we both lie down, and almost fall asleep, and he says something like: "Oh, we sleeping together now..."
Or when he calls me and I pick up the phone he´ll say "hey baby"
It all started out as a funny joke, but it´s really starting to get to me by now...

There is another factor to this whole thing. I am 22 years old, and I have only had one boyfriend in my whole life. That lasted for 4 months and I wont go into why it didn´t work now...
I am overweight and at least here in Denmark it is hard to find someone if you are "fat". Therefore I have problems with my confidence when it comes to relationships, and keep hearing that little voice in my heard saying: "What could he possibly want with someone like you?... how could he possibly love you?"

Sometimes I am okay with just being his friend and laughing with him, but other times it just hurts beyound belief that I can´t kiss him and tell him how much I love him... And right now I´m hurting

Oh Dax, my dear, I think it is very very likely he is smitten... *smiles hopefully*

The weight thing is a total side-issue, though very few people will admit it. I ain't no sylph, (I have always been between 5 and 45 lbs what Weight Watchers told me is my "ideal" weight), and I have decided not to let it stop me. Confidence is far sexier than a visible rib-cage. Ok I lost 20lbs in the last 10 months, and it has made a difference in lots of ways. But beleive me, guys like women of all shapes and sizes, though it is not a widely acknowledged fact.

People rarely flirt in the way you two do if there is no spark at all.

We all start off with no boyfriends. We all have a first boyfriend. There is no shame in that - and no pride in having had a lot of boyfriends either. It is NOT a popularity contest.

As for "what he could possibly want with someone like you?" You are honest, funny, caring, have a gift for friendship, sensitive, and alert to other people's feelings.... How's that for starters?

So, check out your mutual friends again, and see if one of them can help. Or write him a letter saying that you have always been honest with him, and here is something that you need to be honest about. A real live, hand-written letter. Something the two of you can look back on in years to come.

The mutual friend making gentle enquiries is a good one though. He may not admit what he feels to a friend, but it may suggest to him that you wouldn't be adverse to taking things further.

Good luck my dear. The very very best of good luck.

a girl called Ben

Absolutely!

Ben is absolutely spot on. I am big and I know how cripling it can be to your self confidence. But your body shape is only one reason for attraction, one of my exes loved my smile and when I saw him again he told me he still found me attractive and I had put on a stone!

Dax, you are a special person. h2g2 community members are... it goes with the territory. And even if this doesn't work out, some one some day will make you realise how great you really are.

But it sounds like you are onto a winner if you ask me!

Love trust me if he is any one wrth going out with (wich admitadly lots of people arnt) looks are not importnat. as long as you can talk to the person and you get on it dosent matter at all.

And it is like Ben said...you are a great person to talk to I think and he obvasly thinks so or he wouldent be talking to you and flerting with you alot.
you have lots going for you and the person we judge the most and the most harshly is always our selfves (I am at the wrong end of that at the moment ) and also I know my self we do not flert with people we dont fancy..trust me on this there probebly is some people who do but in general men dont.

the letter is a good idea...It really is. it will be really hard to write and even harder to send it but it really try to!!

s

Dax, if you talk as much as that on the phone, then your friend is probably in exactly the same situation as you in reverse and wondering how he can break the news to you without losing you. It's time you acted.

Gnomon is right. He is probably terrified of losing face, too. Guys have such fragile egos, bless 'em.

In the dancehalls of the north of England a bloke would cross the dance floor to the girls lined up on the opposite side of the room. Then there would be the following exchange:

Him: Are you dancin'?
Her: Are you askin'?
Him: I'm askin'?
Her: I'm dancin'

And they would get up and start dancing.

The last time I made a pass at someone what I actually said was:

"I would make a pass at you if I thought you'd say yes". (He said "no" which wasn't actually a surprise, but I hadn't *actually* made that pass).

And the time before, I just lent over and kissed the poor sap. That one worked!

agcB

Hi Dax,

As a male of the species, my advice is to tell him. I really like agcBen's advice in posting 3, (It must be an Aries thing). Go for it, just get it straight in your mind what you want. Do you really want to take the relationship to the next level? Think about what will happen if it does successfully go to the next level, is that what you want? If it is, then tell him.

Awaken the brave adventurer that sleeps inside you, before you vanish away like midnight smoke never to be heard or seen again. (My other credo)

Mostly

It's talk like that that can really turn a girl's head!

I hope we're not talking about turning a girls head like in the exorcist.

Mostly

LoL!
agcB

Ben wrote: "And the time before, I just lent over and kissed the poor sap. That one worked!"

Oh, like I haven´t thought of doing that like a million times....
I have played every scenario in my head again and again, somehow I just never find the courage to do it.

I have often thought that as you all said, maybe he feels like me in reverse, and is also afraid to make the first move... But that still dosen´t make me less afraid...

I could never do the thing where I just wrote him a letter. For one thing I would be nervous as hell until he read it, and for another I think I owe him more than just a letter when I finally come clean. I think as hard as it is I have to do it face to face.
Unfortunatly a very big part of me is a coward who just hopes that he will eventually make the first move...

if nothing els it would get someones attenchan

If you are going to say something, (which sounds like a very good idea), trying to phrase what you say in a way that doesn't require a positive response might be worth thinking about.
Just saying 'I've fallen in love with you' can be a little blunt, and makes it very hard if, for some reason, he doesn't feel the same way, especially since he clearly cares about you.

Saying something like 'Do you think it'd be a bad idea if I fell in love with you' effectively says the same thing, but can make it easier for him to explain things in the (unlikely) event his reply isn't positive.
Though it's not really the case here, given how long you've known him for, it also has more of a hint of 'Do you want to fall in love as well as be friends', rather than risk giving someone the impression that you saw your frienship as purely a lead-in to a relationship. Many people are scared that a rejection might damage an important friendship, and I guess that may be the case for him.

Best wishes.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway".

You are much braver than I am Dax, to do that face to face. When I kissed the person referred to as "the poor sap" it was just a fling, not the love of my life, so the stakes were pretty low. Also I knew how he would react.

The stakes are high for you - but they are high for him too. (Oh, and if he says "no", then try again a week later, he may instantly regret saying "no" and have no way of saying so.)

Good luck, really truly, all the good luck in the world.

Keep us posted on site, or via our email addresses, (mine is in my personal space).

agcB

PS - is he also a Dane? Some of my favourite men are Danes!

Hi Dax, believe it or not this conversation has really struck some bells with me.
I'm a bloke and I was in this exact situation once (hours and hours on the phone every day - although we weren't in different towns). I fell head over heels and couldn't bring myself to tell her. The bottom line was it screwed me up as only friendship was no longer enough and when it all finally came out it turned out she wasn't interested. I was devastated and it destroyed our friendship.
My advice is do something about it before it gets too much control of you, I let it go too far.

BTW, I think blokes work differenlty on this one. She just wanted a friend but I don't know any blokes that will chat for hours on the phone with a girl without being interested. I think you'll be OK