h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's great to be here. At my age. I'm glad to be anywhere. You see, there's something in me that has to come out. If you had it in you, you'd want it out too

We all need to be somewhere. And according to my experience most of us actually are

There is only one mile to the bar from my home but two miles back. The difference is staggering

Tennyson had a friend who was an aspiring lawyer with a drinking problem. He had to pass the bar exam. To do so he had to pass the bar every time without going in for a drink

- My wife and I have decided we don't want kids

- And you are absolutely sure about that?

- Yes, and we will inform our children today

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face* "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

The day Donald J Trump resigns,
The world will drink all the best wines
And bake a large cake
'Cause we're rid of this fake.
We can hope his enablers grow spines

A Vice president named J D Vance
Was known for his really strange rants.
To Greenland he flew
And earned a huge “Boo!”
From their sisters and cousins and aunts



The FDA's standards for fowls
Will quite soon be greeted with howls.
You're an unlucky fella,
Because salmonella
Will soon do a job on your bowels


At this time of year, may we all
Consider the plight of the doll.
If you break it, you're lost.
The replacement cost,
Counting tariffs, your budget will maul


[Some thoughts about Trump's escape from Alcatraz]

When Merrick Garland was A.G.,
He pondered Trump's gross villainy.
If he got Trump convicted,
He may have predicted
That Trump from jail might well break free.