h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I thought I'd better diet when I came cycling in my yellow raincoat and noticed all the kids were reaching for the bus cards in their pockets 🙄

I bought a robot but it turned out to be very noisy

Its bark was definitely worse than its byte

Cows have opened a news channel on't internet!

Slogan is:- No moos is good moos!

The man said that he's depressedbecause!
He'd got run over by a road rollerbut could only claim a flat rate compensation...

Did you hear ? about a bloke who thought "Trepanning" was a Welsh town and that "deja-ve" was a seaside B and B

(and Deja view)

If you close your eyes and gently fondle a kiwi fruit with one hand and a testicle with the other, you can't tell the difference

But you will be banned from the supermarket

Dear everyone!
For those of you planning to hang Christmas decorations outside, please don't use anything that flashes red and/or blue.
Every time I pass something like that I have a mild anxiety attack that results in me suddenly taking my foot off the gas and braking, thus spilling my beer, fumbling with my seat belt, dropping my phone on the floor, and having to throw almost a whole joint out of the window while at the same time fearing my illegal firearm hidden under the seat will be found.
This is really not healthy for my nerves.
So please keep Christmas decorations indoors.
Thanks in advance!

In the maternity ward:

- Would you like the father of your child present during the birth?

- No, thank you, my husband can't stand him

"In the maternity ward"

Doctor:- Whose the father ?
Woman:- Dun'no ? I've never been to one of their rock concerts ..

I was so ugly as a baby that my mother only got morning sickness after I was born