h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*These are located on levels 3 to 5 below ground. There are many "volunteer" workers here, and Ape supervisors who wander the aisles between the cubicles. No one knows exactly what the workers do.

On each of the 3 floors, immediately outside the lift, is a guard office where the Ape supervisors take their breaks. At any one time, there are likely to be 3 or 4 Apes in the office.*

*Actually, it's levels 2 to 5 below ground.*

*On the second floor below ground, a door marked "RECRUITMENT" opens and Toby comes out scowling. He walks over to a group of 5 apes who are all clad in black, studded leather.*

Another 2 died last night. Go and see if you can round up 2 replacement volunteers.

*The apes nod and leave.*

*Takes a memo from his in-box and reads it.*

What do they mean, no more U46995 's!!!! There's so many of them out there we can't help but bring some in on each round-up. Damn bureaucrats!

*walks in*

It's getting worse, Toby. According to management they'll reach critical mass in less than 30 days. We're going to have to cull the poor little things - orders from the very top. KL and BBW have sent these down.

*hands Toby a Baseball Bat marked "Souvenir of Canada"*

Heh! I don't need that! I've got this!

*Pulls out a Scottish Oat Cake*

Scottish Oat Cakes are pretty hard Toby, but I think I'll stay with my bat here.

It's made by the Newfoundland Persuader Company and it's the top model in their "Sweet Dreams" range

Ah, but you haven't seen THIS Scottish Oat Cake. It was forged in Aberdeen using coarsly milled Oatmeal from the Scottish Borders and thistle stalks from the highlands. Then it was put in the blast furnace and combined with some haggis and a bagpipe. Finally, once it had cured, it was hammered into the sporran shape you see here.

Quite deadly.

Well Toby, I must admit that I didn't know they could do that with Haggis and Bagpipes, but this Bat of mine has international appeal and I think that gives it the edge.

See what I mean ?

*points to the rear of the Bat where the inscription "La grande batte rouge pour des conversions de bébé de phoque. Approuvé par le gouvernement du Québec." can be seen*

*squints at inscription*

...grande batte...okay, that means it's a cool bat...blah, blah, blah, conversion...okay, that means conversion...bebe...that means baby...phoque? phoque? phoque!...amazing the language you read on some of these inscriptions...then something about being approved by the Quebec government.

So, put it all together and you get a cool bat that's approved by the Quebec government and can be converted for baby's. Looks to me like that one has already been converted.

Nope, I'll stick to this Scottish Oat Cake. It's guaranteed to leave a tartan imprint on whatever it strikes.

*Enters and scowls at the assembled weapons*

You two have it all wrong! You have to see to it that the moral of the volunteers is kept high. See to their comfort and beautify the surroundings, see?

*Holds up a multicolored cat-o-nine-tails with a comfortable, soft GripEze™ handle in a lovely pastel blue, and a whip with a GripEze handle in succulent red*

I've even put jingle bells on the end of the whip, for a cheery sound. Every lash across their backs will lighten their hearts! There will be wails of joy as they work for the One.

Oooooo. Are those GripEze handles? I've always wanted GripEze handles.

*Holds up his own cat-of-nine-tails*

These jewel-encrusted handles sure look nice and cost a pretty penny, but after a hard days work, my hand hurts like hell.

*Enters and slaps down some papers on Toby's desk.*

Thar yeh go, Toby. We had us an incident in the old upper floor. Yuh can read all about it here.

*pats the report.*

*Puts his pile of shredded paper on top of Hersh's report.*

Hey, Toby!

*Puts his report on the pile. Crosses his legs and looks around wildly for the washroom.*

Toby, d'y'all have a bathroom around here? *Tugs at his knotted twine belt.* And some scissors?

*the salonista group come to a bend in the corridor. Facing them on the wall is a big sign saying

ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICES
LEVELS 2 TO 5

*next to the sign is an elevator with a call button, and beyond that a door leading to stairs*

Elevators? I don't like the looks of these....

*The middle elevator door opens and Russ stomps out, looking at the ground and muttering*


...incompetent idiots...


*Russ bustles past the salonistas without taking note of them and disappears around a corner.*

*as soon as the doors opened Lil tries to become part of the wall, and is enormously relieved when the character continues down the hall*

Who's got a spidercambot? We can stick one in the elevator!

*Arrives behind Lil*

Sorry, no spidercambots here.