h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What time do you call this ?
I call it Arthurwhat do you call it.

Are you reading that paper your sitting on ?

Is anyone sitting in that empty chair at your table ?

What time is the 3 O'clock train due ?


the obviously stupid inane statements that are made in everyday conversations that go unnoticed for they're meaning etc

get adding folksyou'll have heard many I reckon

what a shame, this window is broke on both sides!!!

see those 2 houses on the hill, i live in the middle one

is that the doorbell ?
NO! it's the tv remote, but go and answer the door
(does the door speak then ?)

The whole world's a stage - so no room left for Mrs Worthington's daughter then? And unsurprisingly social services are nowhere to be seen

Get over yourself - I put me back out trying that once

Heard this one under half an hour ago :
one colleague to another "where are you?"
answer : "Here!"

Hello! is that you on the phone

you see her over there, Don't look!

The most stupid of all has got to be......


"What do you mean, no?"

I like to follow this up with, "Well, what did it mean when YOU were at school?".

have you got the time on you?
answer Yes! and then walk awaythat baffles them
if they say anything, reply "you asked if I had the time, NOT was the time"

Running for the bus

"Civil Servants". They are neither.

Oi, Pit!


This next one is best shouted at the top of your voice :
"ARE YOU SLEEPING?"

, love. And if ever you phone someone and he/she/it asks "is that you?" just say no.

Well, my Dad once had a series of phone calls like that. And it wasn't him. Needless to say, it's become a part of the family legend....

random caller "Hello, is that you? It's me here!"
my Dad "Sorry, who are you?"
caller "It's Roger! Is it Pete?"
my Dad "Ah sorry, you've got the wrong number!"

And five minutes later :
caller "Hi Pete, is it you?"
my Dad "Ah! It must be Roger!"
caller "Wow, mate, you recognized my voice?!"
my Dad "No, you called me five minutes ago, and it was already the wrong number."

keeping in mind that these conversations were done in French, my guess is your daddy managed to remain very polite...in a rather French manner.

My Daddy is always very polite.
Until he hangs up the phone after the conversation is over. *That's* when he starts insulting people.

Are you sure he´s not an Afghani? Buddy of mine is from Kabul - he only starts cursing after the conversation is over, but then it´s in Pashtu...a language even more suited to very inventive...comments about someone´s antecedents and their sexual behaviour. Hungarian is more like French I was told - you can be très charmant with your shoe half a meter up somebody´s behind.

the answer is NO!, now whats the question???

I once absent mindedly asked my wife,
- "Where's that stuff I threw in the bin?"

A couple of genuine phone conversations I have been involved in while working in the lab...

After searching in vain for a result on the computer, I reported:
- "I'm sorry, we don't appear to have received that sample."

"Oh... so when do we get the results?"


I have to state quite clearly that in the following conversatoin, all names have been changed to comply with patient confidentiality:

Nurse: Have you got a wound swab result on Mrs Smith?
Me: I'll have a look. Do yo have a first name?
Nurse: Jill
Me: Jill Smith....
Nurse: No, Jill is MY name, SHE's called Helen!

Hogster, you have lots of glassware in the lab. Just throw something and relax.