h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If God were to suddenly manifest next to you, offer to buy you a drink, and ask if you had any pressing questions he might sort out for you, what would you ask him?

For the sake of continuity, let's assume that God more-or-less resembles the Christian one, and that you *know* (instant faith--just add alcoholic beverage of choice) he's the real triple-O endowed Creator of Everything.

I'm collecting these questions--both frivolous and serious-- from innocent bystanders whom I meet on real-life bar stools, thought I'd extend the experiment to Here as well.

'Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, why'd you have to walk into mine?'

I'd ask about the quantity of life on other planets, and whether we're going to meet them.

I'd ask him which church actually *is* the only way to heaven.

I bet, knowing my luck, that it's a terribly obscure one that only exists on the Isle of Uist*. Mind you I rather like the Isle of Uist.


*and objects strongely to alcohol and breathing on Sundays

Since you said "questions" not "question":

-Where do all the "other" socks go? (My theory is one-legged housebreakers.)
-Why are your keys always in the last place you look?
-Why does the Virgin Mary or Jesus "miraculously" appear on the walls of underpasses, slices of toast, and oilslicks on highways? Wouldn't it have more impact if it was in front of thousands of people with some sort of message (like "Shape up or ship out" or "I have nothing against Gays and think it is just fine to drink coffee at Lent (or vice-versa")) , instead?
-Quicksand.... What's up with THAT?
-Why does He allow thousands of innocents to die at the hands of madmen instead of the perpetrators of the killings?

Three questions so far, and not one of them was about why he made so much suffering and strife in the world.

That was the overwhelming concern of a majority of the fleshy victims I pounced upon during the last several days. I *knew* y'all would have different priorities.

When the lad whispers the answers in my ear I'll let you know where I put them. Many thanks to all you Muses out there!

Either one of these two:

"If it's in your capabilities (which it is, as you have proven by walking into this establishment) to corporeally manifest yourself and reveal yourself to mankind, your creation, thus ending most holy wars (which is what most of the world's wars are) and halting humanity's needless suffering and eternal struggle for meaning, thus making us free to pursue other interests while unequivocably worshipping you and no longer doubting your power or your very existence, WHY HAVE YOU LEFT IT SO BLOOMING LONG?"

or

"Hey, Big Guy, any chance of a pint? My mouth's as dry as a badger's proverbial".

Either one of these questions, if posed, could lead to enlightenment or an early demise.

*Do suicides go to hell?

*Can you forgive me?

*When did the world go wrong? Has it, in your eyes?

-Boxers or briefs?

Only one question. "What the hell were you thinking?"

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That God made all the suffering, is arguable, as Andrew Greeley would say. Regarding this - here's a bit from a poem someone (probably Blackberry cat) sent me...

"The Kings Arms

I'd like to sit
On a bar stool in Heaven
Right next to Christ......>>

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The dfg corporation
Page 10, Third Way magazine April 2003
Vol. 26 No 3
Poem from Blackberry Cat h2g2

Really made in your image? Really? Some people, no taste.

Could you do me a personal custom Eve? Maybe two...no I didn't mean to push it one would be fine, or if that's too much work I'll settle for no smiting.

Why do porn stars pull those funny faces?

Have you ever read the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

What do you really think of the people who claim to be your followers? Did you really choose them?

How many of those who claim Divine Inspiration *did* you actually talk to?

Do you actually *like* the Bad Christian Artwork that ends up on the front of door-to-door religion pamphets, and what artistic genre does it come from (apart from the 'Architect-illustrator - can't draw Real People' school?
What happened to the religious people who actually *can* draw and paint - there seemed to be quite a few around in the Renaissance?

God is offering to buy me a pint.

That kind of implies that God uses money.

Now I have this image in my mind of the lord and creator of all things struggling to remember his cashpoint pin-number

I'll answer one of your questions, Mudhooks, you don't need God:

'Why are your keys always in the last place you look?'

It's the last place you look because you stop looking once you find them. At least, I do. 'What are you doing?' 'Well, I found my keys downstairs this morning but I thought I'd keep looking for them upstairs even though they're right here in my hand'

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Precisely what I was thinking!

And:

Is it *really* okay with you for people to persecute other people in your name?

and:

'What is your name, anyway?'

Could we have fewer of these: http://www.masternewmedia.org/images/China_2002_wave_350.jpg
these: http://www.weatherstock.com/EQ17.jpg
these: http://www.tempesttours.com/Seward%20NE%20Tornado%20June%202001%20copy%2052K.JPG
or these: http://www.londonclasswar.org/images/famine.jpg

and more of these?: http://public.fotki.com/Mudhooks/my_friends_albums/krys_photos/rainbows/untitled-14.html

Like, why???

(whilst pointing to my so-called 'hair')


az

How much longer does humanity have to suffer, or is it the 'end' now you are here?

Novo