h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

CONTINUING FROM MASTERS OF THE BOARDS-COUNT RICHARD HAS SUCCEEDED IN HIS PLAN TO BECOME MASTER OF THE BOARDS AND LORD MIKE AND LADY MARIAN ARE HIS PRISONERS.

INT: CASTLE RAESKULL-CORRIDOR-Lord Mike and Lady Marian are being escorted away by the now slaves of Count Richard, Steven and Lance.

Lord Mike: My we are in a bit of a pickle arent we?

Lady Marian: Would you stop saying that!

(Suddenly all four of them dissappear in a puff of smoke and re appear in the Ice cream parlour where Emperor Martin is waiting)

Lord Mike: Well that was unexpected.

Emperor Martin: very. the Board have descended into chaos! civil war is about to erupt on all fronts!

Lady Marian: So what do you care?

Emperor Martin: I wish for things to return to normal, this is madness. I never thought I would actually succeed in my plan to seize Castle Raeskull, therefore I have made alternative plans.

Lord Mike: We are working together again then?

Emperor Martin: We are. And I suggest that we begin to plan The Counts downfall.

The Count sits on a sole throne before many dark clad followers, next to him stands the Moderiser accelerator.

The Count stands and immediately the room erupts into cheers.

Count: No drinking yet until I am complete. So far I have taken over the Boards and since I have neglected my prisoners, no doubt they are planning my downfall behind closed doors?

People: What?

Count: That was a rhetorical statement and does not require an answer. Now then, I have it all, Supreme control forever and if it hadn't been for that uneventful regeneration from Professor Phileus Watt into me then I would still be a doddering imbecile rattling around in a TRADIS. Dodging copyright at every turn but now I own the copyright!

Suddenly Chef McCow enters the room.

McCow: My imperial Lord and Master of the Boards, Sir, Dickie I have located the whereabouts of King Lindsay.

Count: Oh? And where is our great King, forging alliances with Hurricane, King Ebookus? Oh no of course he can't I blew it up ABD.

McCow: Sounds interesting Dickie.

Count: My name is not Dickie, where is Lindsay?

McCow: Hiding in a bush outside an ice cream parlour beneath the castle. Oh yes and so is Lord Mike, Lady Marian and Emperor Martin.

Count: I hate that man, to think that I showed him the evil fountain, the last Dark Lord's blood that flows through that man's veins, polluted from Sir Lance's sink.

McCow: Oh, do you want me to rustle up some nosh?

Count: What?

McCow: Grub's the rub on your tum, I've gone somewhere and I am.

Count: What, a pillock?

McCow: No, food.

Count: You've been there and you are one, are there any cannibals in the house?

Cannibals: Yes Master/ Master/ Quack!

Count: Then bon appetite on this lad's bonce!

McCow runs off followed by the toothsome cannibals.

Count: Now to business, Audio will attack Curiouser, while Books will attack T&S- which is the right facts? General will attack DVD leaving Q&A to attack Audio! Go then! Anyone that gets in your way- DESTROY THEM!

Sir Lance: Yes Master, Quack!

Steven: Yes Master!

Count: No, you two- I have a better plan in mind, you will go to the ice cream parlour and there you will...

Lord Mike: Hang on hang on, I wish to make a complaint!

Lady Marian: Which is?

Lord Mike: Count Richard is not playing fair. First off all in the previous story to this one he managed to use a broken machine, changed the drug that gave us advantage into coffee and promptly forgot about it and now he knows everything we do!

Emperor Martin: Good God you're write! He's worse at continuity errors than Bob Holmes

Lady Marian: So how do you suggest we defeat him?

Lord Mike: Simple, we don't defeat him in this thread

Emperor Martin: What say you?

Lord Mike: We go off and do some stuff but don't talk about it here, that way he looses his cheating advantage

Emperor Martin: Good God Holmes you've got it!

Lord Mike: Quite...

---INTERESTING INSERT OF NOTHING---

---SOME MORE NOTHING---

---STILL NOTHING AT ALL---

--NEARLY THERE---

---RIGHT, NOW!---

Count (sobbing): My plans, my beautiful plans, all in ruins!

Lord Mike: It really was a fiendishly clever way in which we defeated you wasn't it?

Count: Damn you Mills!

Lady Marian: Take him away boys

(Some royal Guards pull the sobbing Count away)

Queen P: Thank you good Lord Mike and of course you to Lady Marian, without you we would never have been saved

Lord Mike: All in a days work for us

Lady Marian: Where are Sir Lance and Steven anyway?

Lindsay: I think they went back to the ice cream shop to get some ice creams

Lord Mike: Almost as if nothing had ever happened...

Lady Marian: Sre you thinking what I'm thinking?

Lord Mike: Only if you're incredibly self obssessed, why what were you thinking?

Lady Marian: If we go back to the ice cream shop now in the Mills-Mobile, it'll be as if nothing ever happened, in fact they may have

Lord Mike: A fiendish plan

(He bows to Queen P and King Lindsay. Lady Marian curtsies)

Lord Mike: Apologies your Majesties, but we must away

Queen P: Go well Lord Mike

Lady Marian: Ta ta

(Togther they leave)

THE END

INT. ICE CREAM SHOP

(Lord Mike, Lady Marian and Emperor Martin are trying to think of a way to defeat Count Richard.)

Lord Mike: I've got it!

Emperor Martin and Lady Marian: What?

Lord Mike: I know how we can defeat the dastardly Count.

Lady Marian: Well, are you going to tell us, or are you just going to build up the suspense?

Lord Mike: We'll create a secret base in the middle of the Atlantic, and there, with the help of an undercover world-wide organisation, we will accumulate knowledge of this villain which will be compiled and analysed by a supercomputer until we find where his weakness lies!

Lady Marian: Er, Lord Mike?

Lord Mike: Yes?

Lady Marian: It won't work.

Lord Mike: And why not?

(Lady Marian is suddenly siezed by a contrary fit and decides not to tell him.)

Lady Marian (airily): It just won't, that's all!

Emperor Martin: Because it would take too long, that's what she means.

Lady Marian: Well, actually, I meant because we don't have a supercomputer, and I don't know where to order one from. But I guess it would take a bit of a long time too, wouldn't it?

Lord Mike (enigmatically): Yes, I see your point....

(They all think some more.)

Emperor Martin: Muahahahahaaa!

Lady Marian: What was that for?

Emperor Martin: Oh, it helps me think of plots.

Lady Marian: Oh, ah.

(Lady Marian, after a bit more thinking, at least apparently, gets an idea.)

Lady Marian: I know!

Lord Mike and Emperor Martin: What?

Lady Marian: Don't be cheeky. I thought if we could trick the Count into boarding a space freighter, then we could load it up with bombs and lock the controls with three puzzles. And if he figured them out, a dying Cyberman could drag himself into the room and wreck the steering and then the ship would crash into the Earth, killing off the dinosaurs in the bargain!

Lord Mike: I'm afraid it's already been done.

Lady Marian: Oh.

Lord Mike: Well, that seems to be it! We can't think of a plan, so what should we do?

Lady Marian: What a silly question! We're in an Ice Cream Shop...

Emperor Martin: So let's have some ice cream, good idea.

Lady Marian (looks at him queerly): No, let's go outside.

Lord Mike: Right. To the doorway!

Lady Marian: Not quite the same, is it?

(They all walk out of the Ice Cream Shop.)

EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP

(Some bushes rustle nearby. Lord Mike makes a signal for silence and, slowly stalking over, he raises his cane, bringing it down on the head of the rustler.)

Lindsay: Ouch!!

Lady Marian: King Lindsay! What are you doing here?

Lindsay (rubbing his head): Well, I was hiding in the bushes -

Lord Mike (nods): Perfectly normal...

Lindsay: But then it got rather crowded all of a sudden, and someone kept stepping on my foot.

Lady Marian: Who was that?

Lindsay: I don't know! Does it matter? I just want to go to bed, but there are all these strange people around the Palace and I don't know why.

Lady Marian: Because Count Richard conquered the Palace.

Lindsay: Oh, yes, that's right, I remember now.

Lord Mike: The question seems to me to be: Who was in the bushes with his Lindsayness?

Lady Marian: Well, you could strike the vegetative growth repeatedly in a circular motion, thereby encouraging the emergence of the present occupants.

Lord Mike (shakes his head): No, you know I don't like to beat around the bush.

Lady Marian: Yes, but I thought you might not mind if you didn't know that that was what you were doing.

Lord Mike: If we had a way to scare them out -

(Emperor Martin disappears in a puff of smoke. Seconds later, a voice is heard emerging from the bushes.)

Voice: LEAPING LARYNXES!

(And, following the voice, General Ford and Sir Lance emerge.)

General Ford: What was that? There was something odd in there all of a sudden.

Sir Lance: But I was in there the whole time.

Lady Marian: Steven! And Lance!

General Ford: Lord Mike! Hullo, Marian.

Lord Mike: What were you doing in there?

Lady Marian: Yes, you'd were taken over by Count Richard, we saw you!

Sir Lance: What? I don't think so. I must have missed it.

General Ford: I wasn't there either.

Lord Mike: Then where were you?

Sir Lance: We were looking for an ice cream cone.

Lady Marian: Oh?

Sir Lance: Yes, Steven figured out that, since I got some ice cream without a cone, there must be a surplus of one cone floating around somewhere to even things out.

Lord Mike: Did he really.

(General Ford smiles in a silly manner.)

General Ford: It made sense to me.

Lord Mike: Yes, I'm sure it did.

Sir Lance: It was all right at first, except thet something kept crawling under our feet...

Lindsay: You stepped on my toes!

General Ford: Really?

Lindsay: Yes.

General Ford: Oh.

Sir Lance: But then something appeared all of a sudden.

Lady Marian: That was Emperor Martin.

General Ford (relieved): Oh, I thought it was a map of Tanzania.

Lady Marian: He's on our side, so he chased you out for us.

Lord Mike: Though if he was really on our side, you'd think he'd leave you in.

Lady Marian: But if they were in there, then who was it who we saw taken over at the Palace?

Emperor Martin (who has quietly reappeared from the bushes): Must have been illusions. Richard's always been rather big on that sort of thing you know.

Lord Mike: Yes, you're right. It couldn't have been anything else.

(Just then, the illusionary Steven and Lance, the ones under Count Richard's evil power, appear right in front of our heros -- well, the cast anyhow.)

{The previous bit was to clear some things up before the end. For instance, that Steven and Lance were never taken over by Count Richard.}

(The previous bit was just to explain the bit previous to that. Incidentally.)

Steven: So we gathered.

Lance: So we have!

Steven: What?

Lance: Gathered! Here! Outside the Ice Cream ...

(Parlour)

Lance: ... Shop!

Illusionary Lance: You're such a dip!

Lance: What?

Illusionary Steven: You. You have such a low grasp of what is humourous in the modern world.

Steven: Hold on. "Humourous" isn't spelt with an "ourous".

Illusionary Lance: Eh?

Steven: Even though the correct spelling of "humour" is with an "our", "humorous" is spelt without it, normally. Probably because it's already got too many U's in it and as such does not need the extra one.

(Illusionary Steven and Illusionary Lance look at each other, before exploding in a puff of illogic worthy of the great man himself.)

Lance: And who's that pray tell?

Lord Mike (coughs theatrically, having not managed to appear in this post yet, before regaining composure and replying enigmatically): Why, me of course.

INT. MILLS HOUSE

(Mike, Steven and Marian sit around the table drinking tea, as always. Lance sits on the floor, playing with his toy fire engine.)

Lance: Vroom Vroom!

Mike: Shut up Lance, the adults are trying to talk here.

Lance: Bibble.

(Lance stalks away.)

Marian: So, we've defeated another "Evil Scheme™" then? The world is safe?

Mike (sighs): The world is never safe, my dear. That's what we're here for, to protect the innocent, uphold the law, drink the tea and all sorts of other, heroic things. (looks directly at camera) And it seems, not a moment too soon!

And now a disturing Twist in the proceedings....



The Count stands in a dark lonely cell clutching at the bars in agony, his tired battered frame looks very weak as he sobbing pitifully his merciless torture.

Count: Ruined, ruined. My plans failing yet again, those palace guards beat up, tortured me for hours and Queen Pamela. Locking me in a room with pinapples while Lindsay told me his latest jokes from outside the door. It's not fair!

The Count stumbles about viciously in his cramped cell before he slumps to the ground.

Count: They may have ice cream, their freedom but I prepared for every eventuality but as for my freedom, I will have to gain a new face and there is only one way that I can do that!

Pulling from his garb a jewelled scabbard, his pulls free a knife and places it over his chest.

Count: This body has done me well but now there is change, the forecast for these Boards is about to change for the better!

He stabs himself, his screams echo as he digs deeper the blade before pulling it free. Slumping to the wall his body convulses as he starts to blur.

A Gaelor opens the first door at the top of the winding stairs and hurries down at the sound of the screams to another door. Unlocking this, he hurries down a further flight of steps towards the grim, dark prison.

The body shakes in the cell as the guard investigates.

Guard: Blimey! He's having some sort of fit?

Grabbing his mobile, he presses the control and it dials.

Guard: Hello, this is the Gaelor in the prison section, I think something's wrong with the prisoner, I think he's....

Suddenly he screams as a knife blade cuts into his back, pulling free the keys, the door slides open and emerges someone else, leaving behind a dark cape, he scoops up the mobile.

Man: Yes? No, It was a mistake. He was drinking duty, he has been disciplined as well, that's all right.

The man closes the mobile and slided it into his pocket before picking free the knife from the guard's body and proceeds to climb the stairs before flicking out the phone and dialling.

On Lord Mike's desk the Union Jack coloured telephone rings where his Lordship immediately answers it.

Lord Mike: Hello, Lord creator, protector and defender of the Boards, Doctor, Baron and Tea Master Michael Kenneth Mills at your service.

Man: Be quiet, you will hear me and no jokes. It would see that tables have turned, that you have won but you haven't.

Lord Mike: Who is this? Well?

Man: At precisely one o'clock you will see the strength that the Count once held. That device left imprints behind.

Lord Mike: Imprints?

Man: Do not interrupt me, imprints of control, should he fail then they would seek you out and destroy you, a little warning the ocean of destruction and that evil prevails.

Lord Mike: We'll soon see about that, I'l get the Count to stop it.

Man: The Count is dead, he took his own life and I am his successor. My names is Tempus, learn it well. And at One o'clock precisely you Lord Michael K. Mills will get your just deserts!

He closes the phone and carries on up the stairs, while Lord Mike lowers his phone.

Lord Mike: Extraordinary fellow, my deserts, not the ice cream parlour again?

Just then the clock strikes one and outside it all goes quiet.

Lord Mike: Oh dear, this looks very disturbing...

Footsteps are approaching, hoards of footsteps, crowds coming towards his house but not to cheer but to hate, to revile, to destroy!