h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Sequel to 'Trials of an Enigmacist-in-Training'

(In the castle fortress of the evil Stainless Steel Rat, our cast -- Lord Mike Mills: O.B. and Doctor of Enigmacy, Lady Marian: newly certified Enigmacist, Sir Lance Baylis: Tea-Maker extrordinnaire, General Steven Ford: Jelly-Baby Consumer, Princess Lissa Brideford: sister of Lady Marian and leader of the Rebel Alliance, and Nibbles: Otter -- wander through the booby trapped hallways, searching for a way out.)

Lord Mike: There must be a way out somewhere...

Lady Marian: Steven! Lord Mike said no wandering off, you'll get lost.

General Ford: I just wanted to see where it went.

(She gives him a stern look.)

(They keep walking on in silence. Then-)

Princess Lissa: What was that you asked me in the last story, Lance?

Sir Lance: Well, I just wanted to know why, if you and Lady Marian are sisters, do you have different last names?

(Lady Marian, overhearing, raises her eyebrows, twirls her parasol, but doesn't answer, as the question wasn't aimed at her.)

Princess Lissa (sighs): You'd better ask Marian, it was her idea.

Lady Marian: No need, I already heard it. It's perfectly obvious. That's not my real name of course!

(She walks off cooly.)

Lady Marian: I thought everyone knew that.

Sir Lance: Then is your real last name Brideford?

Lady Marian (coyly): It might be and it might not be.

Sir Lance: But -

(Lord Mike interrupts them, having found a secret passage.)

Lord Mike (clears his throat): I've just found a secret passage!

Lady Marian (peering in): It's rather small, isn't it?

Princess Lissa: And awfully dirty.

Lord Mike: We'll have to send someone in first, to make sure it's not a trap. Where's Steven?

(Everyone looks around.)

(Lord Mike looks annoyed.)

Lord Mike: I told him not to wander off....

Lady Marian (exasperated sigh): So did I.

Lord Mike: Well, nothing else for it, we'll have to use Nibbles.

Nibbles: Eep eep eep - eeeeep!

(Sir Lance picks up the unfortunate otter and shoves him in the hole, glad no one remembered to tell him to go in...)

Lady Marian: See if you can find a way out, Nibbles.

Lord Mike: Because you're not coming out of there until you do!

Nibbles: Eeep?

Lord Mike: No.

Nibbles: Eep.

Sir Lance: Sorry, Nibbles.

Nibbles: Eeep eep eep eeeep eep eep, eep!

Sir Lance: I know, I know, but we can't help it. Just be a good otter, and go on.

Nibbles (resignedly): Eeep eep.

Princess Lissa: Poor Nibbles!

(Nibbles, with a last 'eep' begins to travel down the narrow hole.)

(All wait in tense silence.)

(Suddenly, the quiet is broken by a series of sharp terrified squeaks from Nibbles. He shoots out of the hole, straight into Sir Lance's arms.)

Nibbles: Eeep eep eep eep eep, eep eep eep eep....

Lady Marian: What happened?

Sir Lance: He says something horrible was down there.

(Lissa pets Nibbles.)

Princess Lissa: I wonder what it could have been?

Lord Mike (enigmatically): Yes, that's what we'll have to find out.

Lady Marian: What for? Isn't that a bit silly?

Lord Mike: Of course not! It's just heroic. Come on.

(They arrive at a set of large double doors, and Mike examines a plaque nearby. A look of suddent realisation crosses his face, and he returns to his group glumly.)

Mike: It's alright ... I can handle this on my own.

Marian: What?

Lissa: What?

Nibbles: Eep?

Lance (knowingly): Three times Three is still a complex analogy in some corners of Europe.

Steven (unknowingly): I'm a sausage!

Mike: This is my battle Marian, not yours.

Marian (disapointment): Why?

Mike: Through this door, I face a fear from my past ... long before the Stainless Steel B-Rat came into being. No, this is my battle. And mine alone.

Steven (without hesitation): Righto, we'll wait for you back at the Mills-Mobile shall we?

(He and Lance go to leave, but are stopped from doing so by Lissa, who waits for Marian's say so.)

Marian: How .. who do you know? You must let me help!

Mike: No ... this is a test, sent to ... (dramatic pause) ... test me. I must face it on my own terms.

(He places a hand on her shoulder, and nods. She leaves sadly, the only ones seemingly happy to go are Steven and Lance, oblivious as they are to the point at hand. Even Nibbles shows some regret. After they are gone, Mike sighs, and moves to open the giant double doors.)

Mike: Well, here goes ...

(He pushes them open, and inside his greatest fear stands above him, towering like a giant plate of jelly that's been left out in the sun too long ...)

(Short Pause)

(Not to say, of course, that his ultimae fear is a plate of giant jelly, that was just a conveniant way to put across the terror that was facing him.)

Mike: I know. I got the message.

(Oh. Right.)

Lord Mike: It's my old enemy... the Teacher!

(The Teacher is a sterotypical teacher, jacket with elbow pads, cordaroy trowsers, giant cane - though without the gadgets of his Lordship's - and one of those silly flat hats that the author has currently forgotten the name of. However, he is also seventeen feet tall, due to being pushed into a giant cup of fruit tea by Lord Mike)

Teacher: Yes, it is I! The Teacher!

Lord Mike: You never did tell me what your real name was

Teacher: To right I didn't! You never expected that I was behind all of this did you?

Lord Mike: No, but that's probably because the authors didn't know who it was until this post

Teacher: Don't get smart with me! The clues were all there; Lady Marian being put to a TEST (he struggles to think of some moe clues)

Lord Mike: The plaque by the door?

Teacher: Quiet boy! Just because you've saved the world doesn't mean you can talk to me like that!

Lord Mike: What do you want anyway?

Teacher: Do you remember when we last met?

Lord Mike: Yes, it was inside the labyrinth of secret passages below the fortress of Lord Ike, Stefan Fjord and Lady Marion. You asked me what the capital of Australia was. It made a very good cliffhanger as I remember

Teacher: But you never answered my question! The next time you showed your face in that same story I was no where to be seen

Lord Mike: And your point is?

Teacher: I want the chance to be the main villain of the peice!

Lord Mike: Well you've had an entire post so far

Teacher: Yes, but I bet you they'll change the scene in the next one!

Lord Mike: Well let's see shall we?

(They both turn and look onto the next post)

(Outside, by the Mills-Mobile)

Teacher (points at Lord Mike): Ha! I told you, silly boy!

(Mike presses button on Cane)

Teacher: What did you do?

Mike: I deleted that scene. Now we're back here again.

Teacher: That .. that's cheating!

Mike: No, it's just I have an editting suite in my cane. (Points cane at Teacher) The games up!

Teacher: Game? Game? You think this is all a game, eh? Think it's all fun and games, to be handing in reports and signing things?

Mike: Yes.

Teacher: No, Mills, this isn't a game. I'm still waiting for that report on Rats that you pormised to hand in a few years ago!

Mike: I .. er, I lost it.

Teacher: No excuse! Detention after class!

Mike: We don't have a class.

Teacher: No, but we do ... have this! (reaches hand into robes, pulls out a small jar.

Mike: It's ... it's ... what it is?

Teacher: It's a jar of ointment.

Mike: Why have you got it?

Teacher: It's in the title.

Mike: Ohhhh ...