h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(After reading Steven's "Interview with Mike Mills" I thought what an American version of Mike's adventures might be like. So, here I have created Mike Mills - USA. It's quite different, really ...)

***

MICHAEL MILLS: THE SERIES, aka. "LORD MIKE: USA" (THE UK TITLE)

"THE MAN WITH THE CRAVAT" (PILOT EPISODE).

CAST LIST

MICHAEL E. MILLS, SPY EXTRAORDINARE.

STEPHENIE FORD, THE SEXY FEMALE ASSISTANT.

LANCE, THE SCIENTIST. TOKEN ENGLISH CHARACTER.

JAMES "JIM-JIM" LINDSEN, INFORMANT.

GENERAL MATT PAINTER, MILITARY LEADER.

"THE RAT", A WELL KNOWN MOBSTER BOSS.

RICK "THE COUNT" WILDEN, A PETTY CRIMINAL WITH HIGHER ASPERATIONS.

and

PRESIDENT PAUL 'W' RAE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

***

PRE-TITLES TEASER

OPTICAL. WASHINGTON D.C, NIGHT

(Overview shot of City of Washington, night-time. Caption says "WASHINGTON D.C., 11/23/2001".)

EXT. WHITE HOUSE, NIGHT

(We fade to a shot of the White House, the lights across the front lawn clearly visible in the darkness. Around the chainlink fence, several armed security guards can be seen patrolling, proudly holding their scatterguns in readiness for anything.)

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN, NIGHT

(A figure moves in the darkness, across the lawn and up the main stairway, seemingly unseen. They wear a black cloak and hood, their features kept hidden. Over shoulder shot, as they move up the main windows and we see them looking into the Oval Office, where PRESIDENT PAUL RAE is working.)

(The President is dictating a letter to his secetary, which we can't hear. The figure in the cloak pulls out a small device, and places it next to the latch on the window. The window, after a tiny hum, opens silently and our cloaked figure slides into the room, unnoticed beneath a table.)

PRESIDENT

"Does it seem suddenly drafty to you?"

SECETARY

"Yes Mister President ... do you want that dictated Mister President?"

PRESIDENT

"Why I employ such bimbos as my Secetaries I'll never know ..." (looking her figure up and down, smiling) "... but then again ..."

(Figure in dark cloak rises, holding pistol, covering The President and Secetary with it.)

PRESIDENT

"Lisa, call the guards ..."

(The Figure in dark levels the weapons clearly at the Secetary as she makes to stand, and the President quickly belays the order.)

PRESIDENT

"What do you want?"

(Figure levels gun at him with one hand, and pulls back hood to reveal the features of RICK WILDEN, known the crime circles as "THE COUNT".)

PRESIDENT

"No, still don't know who you are, even though the narrator just told me."

RICK

"Not to matter. Mister President, you're coming for a little trip."

PRESIDENT

"Or what? You'll shoot me?"

RICK

"No ... I'll shoot your Secetary."

(And he does just that. She slumps to the floor, dead. The President goes to help her, but Rick clicks the barrel on the gun, and the President stops again, arms raised.)

PRESIDENT

"Allright, I'll come with you ... just promise you won't shoot any more of my staff."

RICK (grinning evilly)

"You're not in a position to be making demands, Mister President. Stay still."

(Rick activates a small device, then...)

OPTICAL. FLASH VANISH

(... they vanish with a flash. FADE to black, then ...)

MAIN TITLES

(Various quick clips of the actors, with actor and character name, over the top of which plays a heavy rock soundtrack. Ends with "ADAPTED FOR U.S. CONSUMPTION BY ..." credit, then FADE to black.)


END OF MAIN TITLES

***

***


ACT ONE


EXT. PENTAGON, DAY

(Action FADES back into a day shot of the exterior of the Pentagon. A souped-up car glides into the parking way, and screeches to a halt. Out if it steps MICHAEL MILLS, top secret freelance agent. He is wearing a grey tailored suit. He wears a cravat, but no waistcoat. He walks up to three men, one in a military dress uniform and two military men in normal uniform, holding weapons. They salute him as he arrives to them, and he does them. He then holds his hand out to the man in the dress uniform.)

MATT

Michael Mills?

MIKE

Yes. Matthew Painter, I presume?

MATT

Yes. Welcome to the Pentagon Mills. Your reputation preceeds you.

MIKE

As long as it's a good one.

(They are now walking towards the entrance. Cut to ...)

INT. PENTAGON CORRIDOR

(Overhead lights are the only sources of light, otherwise it is very dark and moody. They are walking down the corridor, Lance and Mike in front and the two armed military men in the rear. Lnace and Mike continue talking.)

MATT (carrying on previous conversation)

"Only as far as your previous missions for the government are concerned. A risk taker and strategist, your profile report says."

MIKE

"Reports can be forged."

MATT

"Not these ones."

***

INT. PENTAGON BRIEFING ROOM

(A large room, with windows across the far wall and a bookcase at the back end of the room. There's a whiteboard at the front of the room. A long table with several seats is present, but nobody is sitting at this moment.)

MATT

"You may be wondering why we've called you here?"

MIKE

"I expect it has something to do with the recent disapeerence of the President?"

(Lance and guards share a glance as Mills looks on amusedly)

MATT

"How could you possibly know about that?"

MIKE

"It was in the pre-titles teaser." (absently) "Tell me again when it happened and how."

MATT

"Last night, at approximately 8.30 PM Washington time a person or persons unknown managed to sneak into the White House, past all the barriers and guard houses, and kidnap the President."

MIKE

"Not the sort of opperation for lowly crooks."

MATT

"Indeed." (hands sheets to Mike) "From the security scan we got we could only come up with the following picture."

(Shot of photograph - It's a photo of a figure in a dark cloak, from above.)

MIKE

"Not much to go on, admittedly."

MATT (smiling)

"If we're right about you, you won't need much to go on."

MIKE (considering)

"Alright, I accept the mission. But I'll need some equiptment."

MATT

"The Pentagon lab is already expecting you."

(They shake hands again and give farewells, and Mike leaves the room. Cut to ...)


***

INT. DARK LAIR

(A dank room, somewhat cave like with stalagtites hanging from the ceiling and the sound of a inconsistant dripping occasionally heard in the background. Atop a tall flight of stairs sits the form of a somewhat muscled figure, a mobster of some dubious reputation. He wears elegant clothing, including a waistcoat and Cravat. His right eye is covered by an eyepatch, and a scar can be seen across the right hand side of his face, through the eyepatch area. His other, visible eye glimmers with an inner darkness, as he tilts his wide brimmed hat back to reveal that his face is somewhat bruised and battered, permanent damage from past encounters. This is the ganster formally known as "THE RAT", and whose actual real name is never spoken. At the bottom of the starway, Rick Wilden approaches.)

RICK

"The President is secure."

RAT (casually)

"Has he said anything?"

RICK

"Not yet."

RAT

"Shame. All the better for us though. We get to torture him."

RICK

"Listen, boss, I don't want to sound like a .. well, a wimp. But I've heard some bad things ..."

RAT

"Do tell."

RICK

"They're saying they've called in this guy. He's a Secret Spy, you know top of the range stuff. They say his name is ..."

RAT (mutters)

"Mills. Michael Mills."

RICK

"You know him?"

(The Rat points to a horrible scar across his face)

RAT

"Who do you think did this to me? During an early misadventure, he ... seperated me from one of my eyes."

RICK

"But you survived?"

RAT (exasperated)

"Of course I survived you fool! What's the point of asking a stupid question like 'But you Survived?' when it's clearly obvious that I survived."

RICK

"Sorry boss."

RAT (sighs)

"Never mind. Soon, I shall have Mills in the Rat's Den ... and then I shall have my revenge.

(Ten seconds of Rat and Rick laughing evilly, FADING to black.)


END OF ACT ONE

***

***


ACT TWO


INT. PENTAGON LAB

(A large set, it is filled with all sorts of machinery and props. There is a lot of movement, as many people in white coats are moving about testing new weapons and scientfic items. After panning around this busy scene we settle on one particular figure, and seemingly older man with slicked back hair and wearing glasses, in a similar long white coat. He speaks with an English accent. He is LANCE.)

LANCE (to a man with a rack of vials)

"I say! Be careful with those specimens, they're fragile!"

MIKE (from off screen)

"Excuse me, I was looking for the bathroom."

LANCE (agitated, turns)

"Bathroom? What the devil ... wait just a second. I know who you are."

MIKE (beaming)

"Do you? Perhaps you'd like to tell me, then we'd both know."

LANCE (excitedly)

"Michael Mills!" (shaking hands) "I must say this is an honor. You've tested out more of our equiptment than any man alive!"

MIKE

"And returned it safely."

(They begin to walk along the aisles of the lab, past all sorts of equiptment and the figures testing them.)

LANCE

"Well ... not always safely, but hiccups always happen on these top secret missions don't they?" (picks up cup from bench) "Can I interest you in a cup of tea, by any chance? I brewed it myself ..."

MIKE (hesitantly)

"No thanks. Special blend is it?"

LANCE

"Oh yes." (giggles) "And quite the explosive aftertaste too."

(They continue to walk, the conversation carrying on as they approach a bench at the far end of the room.)

LANCE

"Well, here we have the centrepiece of my lab ... the Photo-Recogniser 2K. It is directly linked to databases all over the world and by simply scanning a photograph in this slot it can determine the identity of even the blurreist image by use of height profiles and other bits."

MIKE

"That's quite a conincidence. I happen to have a Photograph that needs deciphering."

LANCE (sly smile)

"I thought you might."

(Lance takes photograph and slides it into scanner. The machines hums, a inner green light is visible not unlike that of a Xerox machine. Finally another slot dispences a single sheet of paper, on which is written the profile. Lance looks over it, and hands it to Mike.)

MIKE (reading)

"Name: Rick Wilden. Alias: The Count. Wanted on charges of murder, reason, mutiny and several other somewhat nasty things." (to Lance) "So how do we find him?"

LANCE

"Do pay attention Mills! All we have to do now is cross reference the name with our files here at the Pentagon, to find out where this man has been recently."

MIKE

"Oh. Can I trust you to do that?"

LANCE

"If you must. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

MIKE

"Yes. I have a question."

LANCE (frowns)

"As you Americans might say, 'Shoot'."

MIKE (pointing to machine)

"Can I have my photograph back?"

(Lance looks back at machine, and presses eject. Nothing happens. He fiddles about with it, as Mike looks on, smiling. Finally the machine spits out the photograph, in paper ribbons. Unable to hold back any longer, Mike breaks out in laughter. Lance turns to him and sighs.)

LANCE

"Do grow up, Mills."

(Shot of Mills laughing, then cut to ...)

***

EXT. WASHINGTON STREET, EARLY AFTERNOON

(The traffic is steady, and people go about their business. The camera ultimately focuses on one particular person, a jittering man that seems to be looking over his shoulder every few seconds. He is dressed in simple jeans and a T-shirt, overtopped with a long brown leather jacket. He is JIM LINDSEN, and he's waiting for somebody.)

(He walks into an alleyway, looking about nervously. He then leans against the wall and lights up a cigarette. He inhales maybe once or twice, before he hears the voice behind him. He jumps around at the sound.)

MIKE

"One of these days that thing'll kill you."

JAMES (nervously)

"Damnit, don't do that to me!" (regains composure. Theatrically clears throat, and looks up at sky) "The stars are pretty tonight."

(Mike looks up briefly, then back at Lindsen, who is still looking up.)

MIKE

"It's the the middle of the day."

JAMES

"Hey hey, that's not part of the code."

MIKE (smiles, as though recalling long lost memory)

"I never was one for that sort of thing. I take it you're James Lindsen?"

JAMES

"Shh! There's people out there who want my head!"

MIKE

"Sorry. So are you he, or not?"

JAMES (whispers, shaking hands)

"Yeah, Jim. Jim Lindsen."

MIKE

"Alright then Jim-Jim Lindsen, what can you tell me about a man named Rick Wilden?"

JAMES (all dialogue is quiet, nearly whispers)

"Shady character."

MIKE

"Aren't they all?"

JAMES

"He's known is most circles as 'The Count', due to his penchant for wearing frilly shirts and long capes."

MIKE

"As opposed to any sort of mathematical skill?"

JAMES (urgently)

"This is serious! If he finds out I'm ratting on him, then I'm dead!"

MIKE

"Ratting eh?" (regains composure) "Don't worry. You'll be rewarded for your troubles."

JAMES

"A ticket out of the country. That's what we agreed?"

MIKE

"Yes. But first you must tell me ... where is he hiding?"

JAMES (beady eyes)

"I ... I don't know exactly. The last I know of is that he was seen in a small bar in central Washington area, 'bout two days ago."

MIKE (silence, then ...)

"Thank you Jim-Jim."

(Mike reaches into his coat pocket, and pulls out a small group of items: A pair of plane tickets, a Passport and several other papers identifying James Lindsen, as well as a not insignificant sum of cash. He hands them to Lindsen.)

MIKE

"These will get you out with no questions asked."

JAMES (happily)

"Thank you."

MIKE (smiling, as James is walking away)

"Oh, and Jim-Jim ... You'd just better hope 'The Count' can't turn into a bat and fly after you ..."

(James stops for a moment, registering the information, and then continues onward. We cut to ...

***

INT. PENTAGON BRIEFING ROOM

(Mike enters. General Painter is already there, as is Lance, sitting in the corner fiddling with some invention or other. There a two guards at the door, both armed. A young lady, dressed in a casual blue T-Shirt and pants is also present. She has long black-brown hair and is heavily made up. She regards Mike slyly as he walks in and joins them at the table.)

MATT

"We know where Rick Wilden has been?"

MIKE

"Yes. A downstairs bar in central Washington, called 'The Big Cheese'. It smells Ratty already ..."

(Lance catches this reference, but the others all look confused.)

MATT

"Is there something you're not saying Mister?"

LANCE

"He's refering to an old adversary sir, a big time Mobster type so the records say." (to Mike) "Do you really think he's involved?"

MIKE

"I haven't any proof, but yes I have a cheesy feeling in my stomach. Which means either the Rat is involved, or that I had a cheese sandwich for lunch. It's hard to tell sometimes ..."

MATT

"We're going to send you in there. Find out what's happening." (looks at the girl) "Mike, this is Stephenie Ford, one of our top undercover opperatives. She'll be joining you on this mission."

MIKE (takes her hand)

"Delighted."

FORD

"So what exactly is your plan?"

MIKE

"Well, I thought I'd go in there and case the place out. Er ... look at things, you know. The usual stuff."

FORD

"Sounds daring."

MIKE

"It's alright, I'll keep you safe."

FORD

"It wasn't my safety I was worried about."

(A short pause as they look at each other, smiling. It is Lance who interupts.)

LANCE (clears throat loudly)

"Er ... If it's quite alright sir, I wouldn't mind having a jolly old look at the place myself. Can I go along on the mission?"

MATT (sighs)

"Yes ... yes, alright. Mike, Stephenie, I wish you luck and godspeed."

MIKE (determined)

"If the Rat is involved ... we might need it."

(Mike looks on, as we FADE to black.)


END OF ACT TWO

***

***


ACT THREE


EXT. THE BIG CHEESE BAR, IN A WASHINGTON STREET, EARLY EVENING

(Again, a long shot of several passerby going about their business. It is getting darker. Mike's car pulls up outside. Mike, Stephenie and Lance get out of the car. Mike is wearing a more casual version of his earlier clothes, this time with a longer coat that reaches down to his knees. Stephenie is wearing a low cut red top and a longish black dress. Lance is not wearing his white coat - Instead he wears a suit, with a Tweed Jacket and a dark brown waistcoat. In Lance's case, stumbles out of the car might be a more appropriate term than otherwise. Mike and Stephenie look at him in surprise, as he picks himself up from the sidewalk and brushes himself down.)

LANCE (sheepishly)

"If I confess to something, do you promise not to hold it against me?"

MIKE

"Go ahead."

LANCE

"It's ... been some years since I last went out." (short pause) "In fact, it been more than some years ..."

FORD (smiling)

"Don't suppose there's any call for it in England? All gentlemen's clubs and polo?"

LANCE (sighs, and mutters)

"Er ... quite."

MIKE

"Then now's the night to get back in the habit."

(They walk into the bar. Cut to ...)

***

INT. THE BIG CHEESE BAR

(A large, dark area. The tables are lit from beneath, as is the bar along the wall to the left of the entrance, providing the very few light sources in the room. On the back wall is a small stage, on which is playing some musical act. Mike, Stephenie and Lance enter from the stairway entrance, which leads back to the street above. There is a geat feeling of claustrophobia, as not only is the ceiling quite low but the bar is quite full of people.)

(The three of them go to the bar. There they meet the BARTENDER, a large well built African-American man in his thirties. He is bald, and his eyes betray a sense of great thought and insight. He nods to them with some regard.)

BARTENDER

"What'll it be?"

MIKE (hopefully)

"I don't suppose you have Fanta?"

BARTENDER (laughs)

"Yeah."

MIKE (cheerfully)

"Then a Fanta it is."

BARTENDER

"What about your two friends?"

FORD

"Oh, a Fanta for me too." (smiles) "I don't hold my liquor well."

BARTENDER (regarding the obviously petrified Lance)

"And you?"

LANCE (shaking, looking around the bar at the other people)

"Eh? Oh, oh yes, of course. Ah ... A glass of your fine Fanta then too. Er, if it's alright with you?"

(Bartender walks away, shaking his head and getting the drinks. Mike leans over to Stephenie.)

MIKE

"See anything suspicious?"

FORD

"These sort of Rat Traps are always full of suspicious sorts." (points to man across room) "He's on charges of attempted arson, but has used loopholes in the authorities to get past. And the group playing on stage has been rumored to have drug trafficing offences."

LANCE

"If you don't mind terribly my asking, why don't you simply get the relevant authorities to come in and take them all away?"

FORD

"Because then they'd be perfectly within their rights to sue the government bodies, the Police Departments, for every dollar they've got." (shakes head) "It's crazy."

MIKE (wryly, to Lance)

"Welcome to the good old US of A."

(Lance nods knowingly, although personally he fails to see the situation in any more light than he did before. The Bartender returns with three glasses of Fanta. After a few moments, the Bartender speaks.)

BARTENDER

"You guys are new in here."

LANCE (slurping noisily on Fanta)

"Yes, rather." (coughs) "May I please have a straw?"

(Bartender laughs and hands Lance a straw. He then makes a show of moping the bar where Lance had spilt his drink, while leaning over to Mike and Stephenie.)

BARTENDER

"I know why you're here."

FORD

"Oh?"

BARTENDER

"You're looking for Rick. Rick Wilden."

MIKE

"Oh."

BARTENDER (looking shiftily left and right, before whispering)

"I know where to find him."

FORD

"Supposing we are looking for him ... what makes you think we need your help?"

BARTENDER

"Because he has connections. He might even already know you're here, and he might not show. If you want to catch him, you have to be smart."

LANCE (loudly)

"I say, sorry to interrupt again but I think this straw has a hole in it."

(Mike, Stephenie and the Bartender all look at Lance wide eyed. Lance smiles sheepishly.)

LANCE (whispers)

"Sorry."

BARTENDER (to Mike and Stephenie)

"If you want any hope finding Rick, you'll have to match my price ..."

MIKE

"And what's that?"

BARTENDER (no nonsense)

"500 Bucks. And 24 hour protection from the Feds."

FORD

"That's pretty steep."

BARTENDER

"If The Count finds out about it I'm as good as dead."

LANCE (stops drinking Fanta)

"And you don't want to put your head in the noose unecessarily?"

BARTENDER

"That's about the size of it."

MIKE

"It's done. Just tell us where to go."

(Bartender is called away to get a drink for another customer, and when he returns he slips a small card to Mike.)

BARTENDER

"Go to this address. It's an old warehouse ... they say The Count goes there."

FORD

"They?"

BARTENDER

"Never mind that. Just make sure you organise the protection, deal?"

MIKE

"Deal."

(Mike and Stephenie finish their Fantas and begin to walk back out to the street. Lance, who hasn't really made any dint on his, is pulled out against his will.)

(As they start to climb the stairway, we cut to ...)

***

INT. DARK LAIR

(The Rat is seen to be pacing up by his throne, his hands behind his back as though in deep concentration. Rick Wilden is at his side. They are both looking down at a small, thin figure, who has come to them with information. The Rat finally stops and looks back at the frail man.)

RAT

"If what you say if true, then Mike Mills is coming here even as we speak."

FRAIL MAN

"I swear your Rattiness, this is so. We have heard through our network ..."

RAT (angrily)

"A network that has let me down before!" (waits moment, then calms) "But it would be exactly what we want ..."

RICK (confusedly)

"With some respect sir ... Why do we want Mike Mills to come here?"

RAT

"Why else? Revenge!"

(The Rat's voice is falling into rasps, as he gets more and more frantic.)

RAT

"When I was only a minor criminal, Michael Mills was always there to stop me. In our last confrontation, he deformed me! Made me this hideous creature that I now am. For that he must pay."

RICK

"Pay? How much?"

RAT (teeth gleeming)

"With his life, of course."

(The Rat is tapping his hands together in a menacing fashion, as we FADE to black.)


END OF ACT THREE

***

***


ACT FOUR


EXT. HIGHWAY, NIGHT-TIME

(Mike's car zooms past camera, on it's way to the address on the card.)

INT. MOVING CAR INTERIOR

(Mike is driving, Stephenie is in the front passenger seat. Lance sits in the rear, looking around him with some evident interest at the other cars passing by.)

LANCE

"Do you know, I never could get used to this driving on the right hand side of the road ..."

MIKE

"How far away are we?"

FORD

"According to the card, their Lair is in the outskirts of town. Definitely the Warehouse district. And many of them are derelict ..."

MIKE

"Lance, I hope you brought along something more than just your observations."

LANCE (distractedly)

"Eh? Oh yes, of course." (he pulls open a Doctor's Bag, pulling out several small devices, handing over two of each as he checked them off) "There are arm mounted heat-trackers with built in comm-units, infra-red glasses, a Doctor's prescription ... won't need that."

MIKE

"Do we have anything to fight them with?"

LANCE

"Ah, yes now that's my pride and joy."

(Lance pulls out an umbrella, and Mike and Stephenie look at it and then at each other.)

FORD

"An ... umbrella?"

MIKE

"What are you going to do, call on the rain to flush them out?"

LANCE (sighs)

"As a matter of fact, this is just the outer shell, to give it an inconspicuous appearence. It is, in fact, a deadly weapon that has been fitted with all sort of devices, that can be called upon at the touch of several secret switches on the handle ..."

FORD

"Yes but ... why an umbrella?"

LANCE (genuinely puzzled)

"Why not?"

MIKE

"I'm sure it will be very helpful ... but perhaps when we get back to the lab you can retrofit them into some a little less ... odd."

LANCE (nods)

"Oh. Oh yes. I see what you mean."

(Cut to ...)

***

EXT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT

(Mike's car pulls up, and he and Stephenie exit, fitting the scanners and their arms. Stephenie pulls out a gun from her hidden holster, and Mike takes the umbrella in his hand, which he looks at with some concern.)

LANCE

"Now remember, the tracking devices are keyed into only patterns other than your own. You will not be able to track each other with them. If you need to make contact, just press the small button on the side to activate the built in comm-unit. Again, this works on a scrambled frequency, which should be almost undetectable by the enemy."

MIKE

"Okay. You stay here and be ready to start the car in case we need to escape in a hurry. Steph ... are you ready for this?"

FORD (finishes loading weapon)

"More than ready."

MIKE

"Right. Let's go to it."

LANCE (hurriedly)

"Erm ... good luck all."

***

INT. DARK LAIR

(It's even darker than before, as the lights are completely out - In fact, we can't even recognise it at first. The only light source is the vague moonlight from the doorway through which they have entered, and when that closes it is very very dark. The only background noise that can be heard is a slight dripping. Mike and Stephenie place the infra-red goggles on and click them on, allowing them to see in shades of fuzzy green.)

(What they see is the large room of before, the stairway leading up to the throne and the artifical stalagtites from the high ceiling. The room is empty, there are no ther people that they can see. Mike looks at one of the stalagtites and stiffles a laugh.)

FORD (puzzled)

"What?"

MIKE (whispers)

"Oh, it's just that the Rat was always one for over dramatics ... perhaps more so than any of my foes."

(They continue to walk deeper into the room, closer and closer to the stairs leading up. It is then that they do notice another figure in the room - The prone figure, lying on his side across the throne, his hands binded behind his back. They rush up to him and while Mike renders aid Stephenie covers the room with her pistol.)

MIKE (softly)

"Mister President ..."

(The President awakes groggily, shaking his head in confusion. He has several wounds to his face, his hair straggly and unwashed. It's clear that he's been tortured for days.)

PRESIDENT (rasping)

"Don't ... Won't tell you ..."

MIKE

"Mister President, it's okay. I've been sent to rescue you ..."

(The President opens his eyes wide enough at last to see, he gazes in awe at Mike, then smiles)

PRESIDENT

"Water ..."

MIKE

"Water, water ..."

(He looks at the umbrella, and notices a button marked water. He presses it and the point at the end begins to drip a small ammount of water. He gathers it in his cupped hands and feeds it to the President, who after a few moments is able to sit up.)

PRESIDENT

"They were going to ... to ...

MIKE

"Never mind that now sir. We need to get you out of here."

(A voice snarls from the darkness - Stephenie covers the figure with her gun, but this just causes him to laugh. It is the Rat, and standing next to him is Rick Wilden.)

RAT

"A lady with a gun ... how you never change, Michael E. Mills, how you never change."

MIKE (stands)

"It's finished Rat. Your schemes, your plans ... it all ends tonight."

RAT

"So you say. But I don't think you've factored this into account ...

(He motions with his hand, and the stairway turns into a ramp, down which Mike and Stephenie slide. In the event, Stephenie drops the pistol somewhere out of reach. The lights come on in a circle around them, and a set of cages come up, seperating them from the Rat by mere inches.)

MIKE (pulling against bars)

"Now I know how it feels to be behind bars ... something you'll be very shortly, Rat."

RAT (gloatingly)

"The only one here who will be behind bars is you, Michael. Behind bars ... and dead."

(From above them, several henchmen drop into the pit, surrounding Mike and Stephenie on all sides.)

(A shot of The Rat laughing menacingly, as the henchmen close on Mike and Stephenie, and we FADE to black.)


END OF ACT FOUR

***

***


ACT FIVE


INT. DARK LAIR

(The Rat looks on, as the henchmen close in on Mike and Stephenie.)

RAT (apologetic)

"I'm so sorry myself and The Count have to leave ... but we have a prior engagement. Goodbye Michael Mills."

(Together they leave through a side door. Mike and Stephenie brace themselves into fighting positions.)

FORD

"So what do we do now?"

MIKE (raises eyebrow)

"What else? We survive."

(They fight the henchemen, using various methods of martial arts and other actions. PLEASE NOTE: If the episode under-runs, this is where the extra padding can be placed. Optimum time for fight sequence is 3-4 minutes. Mike uses the umbrella as a physical weapon, but doesn't actually activate any of it's functions. At one point, Stephenie pulls a second gun out from her knee length boot, and uses three of it's complement of four bullets to dispatch the last three henchmen standing.)

(After the fight, they take a moment to catch their breath. They then turn themselves to the problem at hand.)

FORD

"They're pretty thick bars ... I don't think we can get through them."

MIKE (smiles)

"Oh no?"

(He raises the umbrella, pointing it clearly at the bars and activating the "Acid" function. A jet of pure Acidic-Water shoots from the end of it, piercing quickly through the bars. They wait a moment until the smoke has cleared before they attempt to go through. Mike first, being careful not to touch the still melted edges of the metal. Then Stephenie. They both breath a sigh of relief as they pass through.)

MIKE (looking around)

"There has to be a switch here somewhere, to turn the ramp back into stairs."

(They both search, and Mike finds the lever. They run back up and help the hurt President down the stairwell, back to the doorway out. We cut to ...)

***

EXT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT

(As they help the injured President around the corner to where they left the car, they realise something is wrong.)

FORD

"Where's Lance?"

(They turn around to find him being held in a headlock, struggling to free himself from the arms of the Rat, his face going blue as he gasps for breath. Rick Wilden cannot be seen anywhere. The Rat is holding a small needle to Lance's neck, and even the President gasps at the sight. They remain stock still, not moving at all.)

RAT

"One move closer and your scientist friend here becomes one of my minions."

MIKE (calming tone)

"It's me you want Rat. Now just put the needle down and let's play nice ..."

RAT

"Do not try to trick me! I know well enough now that the way to hurt you is to hurt your friends."

MIKE

"Don't be a fool man!"

(As Mike and the Rat carry on their argument, Stephenie slyly clicks the small gun from her boot, knowing it has only one bullet left. Waiting until just the optimum moment of their conversation, she raises the weapon and fires directly at the Rat's head.)

(The Rat drops the needle first, and it clatters to the ground harmlessly. He then lets go of Lance, who falls, gasping for air. The Rat falls to his knees, the small hole is his head clear visible.)

RAT (gasping)

"Just ... just a lady. Just a lady with a gun."

(And with those last dying breaths he collapses, face down in the dirt.)

(Helping the President into the car, Mike then moves to help Lance.)

MIKE (pats him on back)

"Are you alright?"

LANCE

"Why ... why does everybody in America carry a gun?"

MIKE (soothingly)

"Because if we didn't you'd be dead. Come along, let's get you both to a hospital."

(They get into the car, and as it pulls out onto the main road we FADE to black.)


END OF ACT FIVE

***

***


ACT SIX (FINALE)


INT. PENTAGON BRIEFING ROOM, MORNING

(General Matt Painter is in debriefing with Mike, Stephenie and Lance, who is back in his white lab coat. They looked tired and beaten, but they're alive.)

MATT

"... and there was no sign of Rick Wilden anywhere?"

MIKE (yawns slightly)

"No ... no. It would appear The Count has flown the coop for now."

MATT

"You've all done very well. The President is back, safe and sound in the White House. Even tighter Security measures have been taken to make sure nothing like this happens again."

MIKE

"Oh, it'll happen again. I doubt Rick Wilden will take kindly to us murdering his boss ..."

FORD

"Mike, I've been meaning to ask you ... how long are you staying here? In Washington, I mean?"

MIKE (thinks)

"I never really gave it any thought." (to Matt) "It might be a good idea for me to stay with you for a while longer ... just until we're sure Rick Wilden is safely locked away."

MATT (nods, in total agreement)

"I'll have a full Security pass made up for you straight away."

MIKE

"No need."

(Mike does a movement with his hand, and the pass appears there, as though summoned by magic)

MATT

"How ... ?"

LANCE (grins)

"Anyone for tea?"

(They all have a laugh, and scene cuts into ...)


CLOSING CREDITS


***

Bravo Lance! Bravo! BRAVO! You have outdone yourself- What if? Mike Mills were an American TV show?

Absolutely Brilliant, you have outdone yourself!

Why thank you Richard! It was a fun thing to write!

I think the only typical "American TV Show" staple I missed out was a Car Chase, but you can't have everything in the pilot.

I must admit, I was spurred on to trying it after reading Steven's "INTERVIEWED: Mike Mills", which can be found at the following link (http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/A1064206). So he must take the credit giving us the idea.

Cheers!

Yes I see, very well done. I tried responding to your thread on Doctor Who annimation series but got modded, a server error and a few trips to messageboard central.

If it was made it would be a moral- each episode like don't take drugs, The assistant being an airhead teenager takes something from The Master and she goes on a rampage and it sorted by a man in a long scarf claiming that taking drugs is wrong and then after a ludicrous battle ending with the Master washed away they all have a laugh, get in the TARDIS and leave.

HORRIBLE!

Yes the idea does not belong in the real world!

Americanisation shows well, psychedelia really doesn't feature in them does it- all cop shows, car chases and gangster roles.

ARGH! What have you done! You've turned me into a woman and given my rank to Matt!

Great stuff!

Lol! A nice take on Lord Mike, a great idea. :D Just what Hollywood would do to Lord Mike. These are the people who wanted a "proper" answer to the question of "Life, the Universe and Everything", you know.

A great story Lance - may Lord Mike adventures continue to drip from your fingers for zonks to come.

Re: INTERVIEWED: Lord Mike, I will get round to interviewing you sometime soon. I've just interviewed myself now (um...) but after Nibbles, you're next on my list