h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO

(The room is dark and only the floor lamps are on. The set is that of a cookery program. His Lordship is manacled to a work surface. A voice echoes form the dark)

Voice: You know to much your Lordship

Lord Mike: One can never know to much

Voice: But you do

Lord Mike: Well its quite possible that I am the exception that proves the rule

Voice: Cease this talking

Lord Mike: Okey-dokey

Voice: I said cease talking!

Lord Mike: And I did

Voice: You always have to have the last word don't you?

Lord Mike: No you do!

Voice: You're so childish!

Lord Mike: I'm not childish

(They both sulk)

Voice: Anyway, prepare to die Lord Mike

Lord Mike: If I had a Euro for every time someone had said that to me I'd have... a pound

Voice: Really? They've said it that many times?

Lord Mike (nodding): Oh yes

Voice: Maybe I should say something else then

Lord Mike: Go ahead, I'm in no rush

Voice: Um... Prepare to become diced Lord Mills!

Lord Mike: That was better

Voice: Really, you think?

Lord Mike: Definitely

Voice: Thanks (coughs) Anyway, I have to leave now Lord Mike but my laser fish-slicer will finish my job for me

Lord Mike: Aren't you going to stay and make sure I die?

Voice: No I'm going to assume it went okay, after all you're only manacled to a work surface in a television studio with your trusty cane close to hand, why should you escape?

(The Voice then goes quite and the laser fish-slicer above Lord Mike activates, slowly it moves forwards, cutting through the work surface between Lord Mike's legs)

Lord Mike: This could burn a whole in my reputation

(Canned laughter if we can afford it)

Lord Mike: But seriously, I'm feeling a little hot under the collar. But what to do?

(A gleam appears in his eye)

Lord Mike: Of course!

(He flexes the muscles in his wrist. A small metallic ring over his wrist bleeps and his cane comes flying from the shadows and into his hand. He presses a catch on its side and a mirror unfolds, with a couple of twists of a dial concealed on the side of the cane the mirror twists around and deflects the laser beam onto the manacle on his left wrist, then onto the manacle on his right wrist and then on the two on his ankles. With a cry of triumph he deflects the laser beam back into the projection unit and the fish-slicer explodes)

Lord Mike: Now, to find Lady Marian

(He hops down from the work surface and looks around. There is a muffled cry from one of the microwaves. His Lordship opens it and takes out the poodle from inside and sets it free. He then turns to the fridge door. He opens it to reveal it is infact a secret passage into a backroom. Inside Lady Marian is bound and ganged, lying next to a bomb attached to an egg timer)

Lady Marian: Mmm-Hmmph

Lord Mike: I know, I know, but he dastardly dastard was about to have me sliced and diced

(He undose her bonds, then her long term shares and then the ropes about her hands and feet)

Lord Mike: Are you alright?

Lady Marian: Of course your Lordship, but hadn't we better dispose of that bomb?

Lord Mike: Bomb?

(He turns and sees the bomb)

Lord Mike: Bomb!

(The two kneel down beside the bomb and examine it)

Lady Marian: How long do we have?

Lord Mike: Not long, he's only set it to soft-boiled

Lady Marian: Can you diffuse it?

Lord Mike: Yes

(He pulls out the wire connecting the egg timer to the bomb)

Lord Mike: There you go! Now, after the baddie?

(Lady Marian nods and they exit the back room, run through the studio and out of the fire exit. A car is just leaving the car park below them)

Lord Mike: That's him!

Lady Marian: No, that's just Doris the tea lady. There's the real bad guy!

(A black monster truck with flames paintedon and a bumper sticker saying "We've seen the zebras at Westmidlands Safari Park crashes through the perimeter fence and countinues out along the streets of Cardiff)

Lord Mike: To the Mills-Mobile!

Lady Marian: Nice post

Lord Mike: Thank you

Lance: Personally, I didn't like that post at all. (Lance appeared from some not very shadowy shadows)

Mike: You didn't?

Lance: Nope, all it was doing was holding that fence up.

Boom-tish

Mike: Hey, give me back my percussion set!

Lance: sorry, I didn't think you'd mind.

Mike: That's your problem isn't it. You didn't think... I'd... mind... (looks around hurriedly) anyway to the Mills-Mobile

Marian: Hungarian Horsemen!

Lance: That is one bad exclamation!

Marian: Never mind about that, someone has filled the Mills-Mobile petrol tank with oysters!

Mike: (close up on his eyes) Fiendish...

Marian: (Close up on nose) Who could have done this?

Lance: (Close up on what looks like some sort of growth on his toe) Um...

Mike: Wouldn't it have made more sense if they'd filled it up with Steak and Kidney Pies?

Lance: (close up on eyes this time) No...

Lady Marian: Oh just be quiet you two, we have to get after this episode's villain before the cliffhanger!

Lord Mike: Of course, you're right Marian

Lady Marian: Of course

(They climb into the Mills-Mobile: Lord Mike in the driver's seat, Lady Marian in the passenegr's seat and Sir Lance in the back)

Steven: Oi!

Lance: Steven?

Steven: Hello?

Lance: What are you doing here?

Steven: You left me to guard the Mills-Mobile, remember?

Lance: Then why were you asleep?

Steven (looking sheepish): Um... I thought the baddies might try and attack me through my dreams

Lance: Of course! It makes perfect sense

Steven: Thank you

Lord Mike: Yes, but the villain managed to fill the petrol tank with oysters!

Steven: Really? Will you be able to claim it on the insurance?

Lord Mike: Possibly but it doesn't matter

(He presses a button on the dashboard, turning the engine to "Oyster Power")

Lord Mike: Now, after them!

(The Mills-Mobile shoots out of the car park and after the monster truck through the streets of Cardiff. They race past those famous landmarks, the Millenium Stadium, Cardiff Castle, the second-hand bookshop that ahs a suprisisng amount of American-version Target novelisations and many more besides)

(Finally, they stop at St David's Hall, which for the sake of this script is also known as the Institue of the Advancement and Scientific Pies. Lord Mike, Lady Marian and Steven get out of the Mills-mobile. Sir Lance, who was holding on to the back of the car, flops down, out of sight.)

Lord Mike: Egads, 'tis St David's Hall!

Lady Marian (pointing): Lord Mike, look!

(Lord Mike looks where she is pointing, and sees an ambulance.)

Lord Mike: So what?

Lady Marian: Oh, I don't know. Isn't it unusual to see an ambulance outside St David's Hall?

Lord Mike: No, it's not. People brings ambulances to St David's Hall all the time.

Sir Lance (gets up groggily): But why St David's Hall?

Lord Mike: Because it acts as one of the major places of congress here in Cardiff. It's also five minutes from shopping facilities, has excellent sewerage capacity and would make a great place for you, yes YOU our lucky viewers, to have a function.

Steven: Er ... why are you all mentioning St David's Hall so much?

Lady Marian (coyly): Oh, no reason.

-- Ecnal wishes to point out that this part of the script has been funded by the St David's Hall Society for lovers of St David's Hall, and for every mention of St David's Hall in it Ecnal recieved 5 Pounds.

Lord Mike: Tallyho, onwards and upwards!

(Our four intrepid heroes - well, three if you don't count Lance - enetr St David's Hall and walk - actually Steven is really all that intrepid either is he? - Our two intrepid heroes and two other pillocks enter St David's Hall and walk - except for Steven whp waddles - through the entrance hall. Above their heads hangs a large banner proclaiming "CARDIFF - EUROPE'S YOUNGEST CAPITAL" next to which is another one saying, "HELLO, I AM A BANNER" and a third which reads, "CARDIFF MERIDIAN PIE 2003". Lady Marian gasps)

Lord Mike: What's the matter? Oh dear God, Lance, you haven't drugged her have you?

Sir Lance: Not anymroe than usual

Lord Mike: Steven?

Steven: Nope

Lady Marian: no, I'm not drugged, it's just that banner

(She points up at the banner. They look up at it as well)

Sir Lance: Gosh, is it really Europe's Youngest Capital, aren't there some that used to be in Russia or something?

Lord Mike: No, she means the other one

Steven: Yeh, who'd write a banner saying "Hello I'm a banner"? Honestly

Lord Mike: No, the other one!

Sir Lance and Steven: Oh right

Lord Mike: That fiendish fiend is trying to make Cardiff the Pie Meridian of the world! All pies would be have to be made to Cardiff standards!

Steven: And what's so wrong with that? Do wonders for the tourist industry

Lord Mike: But imagine if you controlled what the Cardiff standard pie was

Sir Lance: By God man, but, the power one man could wield... it's unthinkable!

Lord Mike: I know, this could be more serious that I'd ever imagined

(Close up of Lord Mike's shoulder looking shocked)

INT. EVIL-LOOKING ROOM

(A shadowy figure stands in some equally shadowy shadows and looks at a bank of very un-shadowy computer screens)

Voice (the same one as before): Soon your Lordship, soon I shall weiled the power of all pies in the world! And ocne I have that power I shall put an end to you! Bwahahahahaha!

INT. SAINT DAVID'S HALL

(Our four principle characters are now walking up to the sign-in desk. Through an open door we see crowds of finely dressed people)

Receptionist: Are you here for the unveiling for the party?

Lord Mike: Yes

Receptionist: Can I see your invites then?

Lord Mike: Well, it's like this you see-

Lady Marian: O the board of governors, Lady Marian von Wer

(The Receptionist checks the database)

Receptionist: Ah yes I see, in you go

(They enter)

Lord Mike: How come you never mentioned you were on the board of Governors before?

Sir Lance: Sh! (whsipers) Plot device

Lord Mike: Oh, right

(They walk into the crowd, which has miracuously appeared from nowhere._

Lady Marian: We'd better make conversation, to make it look like these extras are important ... so, time travel is possible?

Lord Mike: How should I know? Marian, if I tell you a secret do you promise not to tell anyone?

(An old man bumps into them, he has a scraggly bread and smells of wine.)

Old man: It's scraggly BEARD, not bread, you stupid narrator!

(Oh. Sorry. Typo on my script.)

Old Man: That's quite alright. Now, hello young Marian, how are you?

Lady Marian: Not here, unfortunately. (Looks confusedly at Lord Mike) Oh, this is Professor Emills from Wales. He was just about to tell us a secret!

Old Man: What are you talking about, we're IN Wales! Who writes these scripts? I'm an established Shakespearean actor, I am! And I'm degraded into appearing in rubbishy little guest spots like this ...

Lord Mike: Well, at least I won't have to tell him my secret.

Lady Marian: What was it?

Lord Mike: I'm half English, on my mother's side.

(Crowd stops nattering, and all turn to look at Lord Mike.)

Lord Mike: Erm ... stratigic withdrawal, I think.

(They head towards the giant Pie on a stage up above them.)

(They climb some very expensive stainless steel stairs and approach the giant pie from behind)

Lady Marian: What are we looking for?

Lord Mike: The Greasy Chip, once we've got that we can jump start the Mills-Mobile and chnge it from Oyster Power to normal power

Lady Marian: And defeat the baddie of course

Lord Mike: Of course

(A young man in a uniform and wearing a tie with "CARDIFF MERIDIAN 03" steps in front of them)

Young Man: Can I help you?

Lord Mike: I know you

Young Man: I don't think so sir

Lord Mike: Yes I do, you're Geraint Wilson. Geraint, in a couple of years you'll go out drinking with your mates, go to the second bar not the first okay?

(Geraint frowns and Lord Mike and Lady Marian slip past)

Lady Marian: What was that all about?

Lord Mike: In fifteen years Geraint will come up with the perfect way to pick up women but to dot hat he must first go to a bar in Cardiff

Lady Marian: Why not the other one?

Lord Mike: It's called The Leather Cap and Tash, work the rest out yourself

Lady Marian: Oh right

(They head towards the giant pie, stoppong briefly to wander where Sir Lance and General Ford have got to)

(Meanwhile, Steven has got his shoe lace caught in a revolving door. Lance hurries over to try and help him. The following will be filmed in silence, and black and white. If budget allows, have man playing piano on floor.)

Black screen, with text on: "Oh dear, I seem to have my shoe lace caught in a revolving door"

Picture of Steven with shoelace caught in door, baddly acting that he is in distress... actually just normally acting that he is in distress.

Black screen. Text: "Don't worry, young sir, I shall save you."

Lance hurries on to the stage.

(What follows is an amsuing series of events punctuated with black screens.)

(Once the comic relief and strangely inappropriate rip off of early 30's television programmes is over, Lance and Steven hurry away from the reloving door and the kiwi fruit)

Lance: Thank god that's over.

Steven: Now to find Mike and Marian, and try to get back into the main part of this story.

Lance: Good grief, there they are, on top of that giant scafolding!

(Steven looks)

Steven: No they're not.

Lance: Sorry. I just wanted to make this post more interesting.

Steven: It'll take more than that.

-Boom-Tish-

Steven: Don't ask me why the guy with the drum kit did that.

Lance: Why did the guy with the drum kit do that?

(pause)

Steven: I think he was just a bit early. You know, we're really paying him too much for what he does.

Lance: How much do we pay him?

Steven: Two boiled sweets and a wellington boot full of dried cauliflower a week.

Lance: That's more than I get!

(Um... quick, cliffhanger... um... then a curtain rail fell on Steven)

Steven: Ouch...

INT. PIE PLATFORM

(Lord Mike and Lady Marian are knelt down next to the giant pie)

Lady Marian: How are you going to get the Greasy Chip out?

Lord Mike: Watch and learn oh Apprentice of Enigmacy

(He lifts up his cane and flicks a catch on the side. A complicated lockpick-style gadget pops from the end. His Lordship rmeoves the lockpick and places his cane back on the floor. He taps the lockpick against the sid eof the pie and a peice of pastry slides away. There is a wall of liquid gravy and various ongredients in front of him)

Lady Marian: Are you really going to put your hand in there?

Lord Mike: Why do I get the feeling that that isn't the first time you've said that?

Voice: And why do I get the feeling that you've heard this before: So, we meet again Lord Mike!

(They turn in horror and finally the Voice's identity is revealed)

Lord Mike: You!

Emperor Martin: Yes, I!

Emperor Martin: my Old friend, How pleased I am to see you!

Lord Mike: So Your behind all this?!

Emperor Martin: Quite true Lord Mike.

Lord Mike: How surprising...

Emperor Martin: Sarcasm does not become you Mills!

Lord Mike: I wasnt being sarcastic! I was genuinley surprised.

Emperor Martin: No you werent.

Lord Mike: Yes I was...

Emperor Martin: No you werent...

Lord Mike: Honestly, cant a hero be surprised these days?

Emperor Martin: No because that surprises the villain and causes a huge surprise reaction which will destroy the world and ultimately the universe!

Lord Mike: Oh well...in that case I wasnt surprised.

Emperor Martin: Glad to hear it.

Lord Mike: You have come a long way since your days as a Councillor havent you?

Emperor Martin: I was nothing as a Councillor, when my hard tireless work on New Years went to waste I had had enough! I became a steeming couldren of rage, hungry for power and vengeance. Councillor Penny was gone, reborn as Emperor Martin!

(Lord Mike stands, looking suave as ever in his tuxedo.)

Lord Mike: There's one thing you haven't counted on, old friend.

Emperor Martin: I have counted everything, Mills. Even the number of times Lady Marian has said the word "it".

Lady Marian: It? What about it?

Emperor Martin: Darn, now I'll have to recount. (scribbles something off his notepad) Nevermind all that now, this is the bit where I get to exact revenge against you! Bwahaha!

(He flaps his cape, which he wasn't wearing a moment ago, in an evil manner. But as he approaches Lord Mike and Lady Marian, Steven stumbles into the scene, crashing into Emperor Martin in a highly comic fashion. Sir Lance bumbles after him., triping over the cord that plugs the overhead lights into their sockets. The room fills with darkness, and the crowd, still forgotten somewhere below, mutters sheepishly.)

(Suddenly, Piano Music starts, like in the old musicals of days gone by. Everybody bursts into song.)

Lord Mike: I've got the greasy chip!

Lady Marian: We're connected, at the hip!

Emperor Martin: If I don't escape I face a sinnnnking ship!

(Short pause, as they start to dance around the stage)

Lord Mike: Life's too short to be so mellow,

Lady Marian: Emperor Martin's and evil fellow,

Mike and Marian (together): And it's a duty to stop him in his traaaacks!

(Music goes sinister)

Emperor Martin: There's one thing you've forgotten, something I adore. My secret special ability, to run out the nearest door!

(He does so. The music stops, and Lord Mike and Marian run off stage, following General Steven and Sir Lance out to the Mills-mobile.)

(The lights come back on, and Professor Swag, the old man from earlier, prepares to make an announcement.)

Old Man: This is a great day for the people of Wales ... For we have created the ultimate pie, one so large it requires it's own Time Zone! (Man whispers in ear) What do you mean "It tastes like transmission fluid"?

EXT. CAR PARK

(Lord Mike - who has changed back into his usual frock coat due to a continuity - Lady Marian, Sir Lance and Steven climb into the Mills-Mobile and look around for Emperor Martin's monster trcuk)

Lord Mike: well it can't be that hard to spot can it?

Lady Marian: But how do we know he's gone in his monster truck? Wouldn't it be more logical if he doubled back to the Pie?

(Lord Mike looks horrified)

Steven: By jove I think she's got it!

(Sir Lance looks at the car's clock)

Sir Lance: We're to late, it's almost midnight!

INT. SAINT DAVID'S HALL

(The crowd all have a drink - the budget wouldn't stretch to one each - and are all looking rather drunk as they coutn down to midnight)

Crowd: Five... four... three... two... one...

Lady Marian: Stop!

(To her great surprise the clock actually does stop just before twelve)

Lord Mike: Now I've seen everything

Steven (politely): How clever of you your Lordship

Lord Mike: I stand corrected

Emperor Martin: You fools! You cannot stop me!

Sir Lance: To late, we just did!

Emperor Martin: Dammit, he's right!

Emperor Martin: I can still win, Lord Mills!

Lord Mike: Oh? And how is that?

Emperor Martin: By using this!

(He pulls out a small box with a big red button on it. The box is marked with a sticker that reads 'Cliffhanger Machine (Ver 1.5)'.)

Emperor Martin: One step closer and I will initiate an emergency cliffhanger, from which you'll never escape! Bwahaha!

Lord Mike: I have a surprise for you too, old chum.

Emperor Martin: Eh? What's that?

(Sir Lance, who has been sneaking up on Emperor Martin, throws a giant roll of foil wrap over him. He drops the 'Cliffhanger Machine (Ver 2.0, with upgrades!)'.)

Sir Lance: Foiled again, eh Raspy?

(Lord Mike, Lady Marian and Steven Ford groan audibly, as Lance reuses a joke again. In his inability to see, Emperor Martin accidentally presses the "Big Red Button" with his foot. Using a combination of CSO and good model work, Emperor Martin is shown to be hanging from a cliff.)

Emperor Martin: I shall have my revenge! My sweet revenge!

(Minutes pass.)

Emperor Martin: Er ... help me down from here Count Richard! Uhm .. hello?

EXT. CAR PARK

Lord Mike: Well, there's another fiendish plan foiled!

(He flicks a catch on his cane and a four-fingered claw pops from the end, he uses it to pick up the 'Cliffhanger Machine (Ver. 2.5, with coffeee cup holder)' and deposit it in a nearby bin)

Sir Lance: Did I save the world then?

Lord Mike: Of course not

(Sir Lance looks distraught)

Lord Mike: Chin up old chap, I believe there's some pie going spare inside

Steven: What type, apple?

Lady Marian: Judging by the name of this story, no

Steven: Oh, what type is it then?

Lord Mike: Look at the title

Steven: Title?

(The others shake their heads and wander off as Steven begins looking among the cars for the title)

Lady Marian: How many adventures under the belt is that then?

Lord Mike: Seventy-seven I believe

Sir Lance: Some people have way to much time on their hands

Lord Mike: Quite... You do know we're not going to reach a satisfactory conclusion before the end caption are we?

Lady Marian: Probably not

Sir Lance: But what if-

THE END