h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Steven: Three milkshakes... make them doubles.

Bartender: Coming right up sir.

(But, as the bartender turned away, shadows fell across his face, and he began chuckling. This wasn't the sort of chuckling of someone who is being tickles by scantily dressed nymphs, nor was it the chuckling of someone who has heard an amusing anicdote. This was the chuckling of someone who was just about to put PASTURAISED STANDARDISED HOMONOGNISED MILK into Lord Mike's milkshake. He returns to the bar and carefully lays the milkshakes out carefully, making sure the dangerous one is before his Lorship)

Lord Mike: Now carefuly lads. Milk drinks are dash quick things



Steven: Why ever do you say that your Lordship?

Lord Mike: Becuase it's past your eyes before you seen it!



Lord Mike: That joke doesn't really work in script form does it?



Lance: Anyway, down the hatch!



Lord Mike: Now that's done, four Fantas please and a straw for Nibbles

Niibles: Eep!

<The bartender moves to the back of the bar and pours three drinks. He puts ice in three of them and makes to put poisoned ice in Lord Ike's)

Lord Mike: No ice for me please



Bartender: That'll be twelve Lats please



Lord Mike: That solves it lads, we're in Latvia

Steven: But no one speaks with a Latvian accent, there's a desert there's kawalas about and we haven't seen any sign of the Eurovision song contest

Lord Mike (sipping his Fanta): Steven, if you were hosting the Eurovision song contest would you want people to know?

Steven: True

Lance: One question

Lord Mike: Pi

Lance: Thanks

Sir Lance: I think we are in Orstraliya!

General Ford (splutters): Where?!?

Sir Lance: You know, that large landmass half way across the planet. (nods knowingly)

Lord Mike: Can you give us any evidence to back up this outrageous claim?

Sir Lance: Soitenly I can sir! We seen a giant Koala, we in a pub ina desert and the man behind the bar talks in a Orstraliyan accent.

Barman (badly dubbed voice): Qué?

General Ford (badly dubbed voice): The sign outside says my cactus is missing.

Sir Lance (perfectly dubbed, female voice): My hero!!

Lord Mike (normal voice): Something is going on here ...

(Steven, who was getting a little tipsy from all the Fanta's he had been drinking, (which may explain his badly dubbed voice) put his arm round the barman in a friendly way)

"You knu, yu's me bestest...hic... bestost fiend in the hole world," he said in the typical cliched way of one who was drunk.

"Oh really, sir, how nice," said the barman, who was trying to wipe part of the bar that Steven was drooling on.

"Yup, and wass more, I don't even knu ur name..." Steven burbled.

"Barney, sir," said Barney the Barman.

"Good, God!" Lord Mike gasped, "Barney! The title of this story has Barney in it."

"Um... that's a coincidence, pure coincidence," said Barney the Barman, and quickly hurried off to clean somewhere else.

Steven (drunkenly): After him! After the bounder!

Lord Mike: No, first we have far more pressing things to worry about

Steven: Like?

Sir Lance: What that talking taxi cab in the first episode had anything to do with?

Lord Mike: No, more like: Why does this adventure keep shifting from script to pros?

"What?!" Sir Lance and Steven gasped in unison

Lord Mike: Yes" he rested his head on his handa and stared into space, "More specificaly, when Steven is writing"



Steven: But you're writing this bit and it keeps shifting

Lord Mike: I know, it's spreading like a vile... (enigmatically) thing!

Steven: I really had(n't) noticed... But, more to the point, you mean... you mean I'm actually writing some of this?!

Lord Mike: Well, course you are. Weren't you wondering what was going on when you sat down at the keyboard and started typing?

Steven: Frankly... no. I just thought that was part of my "Anger Management Course"

Lance: You're on an Anger management course?

Steven: YES! I AM YOU BLUNDERING OAF!!

Lance: Oh, I see." said Lance

Mike said: "This is getting serious.

Steven: It sure is, it's turning from script," he said, "to prose mid post, and now, mid speech,"

Mike: Something must be done," he said.

Steven: And another thing... how come the title of this story is spelt right now," he scratched at an ear cautiously, "a few seconds posts ago, the Y in barney came before the E!

Mike: Good God," he expostualted, "the plot curdles... um, thickens.

Lance: Oh, so saying isn't good enough for you anymore, now you have to "expostulate"

Mike: Peace, mumbling fool!

Steven: Is that from Shakespeare?"

(Mike reached for his cane, with the boxing glove attachement, which, although has not been mentioned up until now, has been with him all the time...)

INT. GARAGE, BRITISH ISLES (Assuming we can find a Garage within the British Isles, we should be okay here.)



Taxi Cab: Those are the Three Stooges, you twit.



Taxi Cab: My machine is working perfectly ... soon Steven Ford will be mine! And there will be nobody to stop me now!



Man: Hello, my name's Mervyn Plank. You might know me as the editor of "The Dailyness" newspaper?

Taxi Cab: No, never heard of it.

Plank: Erm ... well, I'm here to interview you about your plans to capture Steven Ford.

Taxi Cab: Oh, alright then. What do you want to know?

Plank: Well, firstly do you read "The Dailyness" on a daily basis?

Taxi Cab: I told you, I've never heard of it.

Plank: Yes you have, I told you about it when I walked in.

Taxi Cab: Well ... yes, very true ...

Plank: Did you know that "The Dailyness" is the sandwich in which facts are a key ingredient???

Taxi Cab: I don't know very much about sandwiches either. I'm a taxi cab.

Plank: American, or European?

Taxi Cab: European ... I suppose. Why?

Plank: You don't look European.

Taxi Cab: Alright then, I'm an American cab. What difference does it make?

Plank: I think that you're parking illegally in this country. Take him away boys!

Taxi Cab : All I wanted to do was take revenge on Steven Ford for that milkshake he spilt down my front seat!

Plank: Hmm, headlines ... "Illegal Taxi Cab held up by Police Officers?" Sounds good to me!



Steven: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!

Lance: Oh, a wise guy eh?

Lord Mike : Stop it you two stooges!

(His Lordship gets to his feet, puts his hat on, straightens his cravat and picks up his cane)

Lord Mike: We must return to Britain immediately

Sir Lance: But how? We trashed the Mills-Cab last episode

Lord Mike: Aha! Follow me

(They exit the tavern and Lord Mike flicks a concealed catch on his cane. Immediately the trusty Mills-Mobile pulls up before them)

Lord Mike: Everybody in!

(They climb in, Lord Mike in the driving seat, Sir Lance in the passenger seat and General Ford in the back. His Lordship presses some buttons and wings unfold from the side of the car and it lifts off, turns and heads off in the direction of Britain. Steven is looking out of the window)

Steven: You 'll never guess where we actually were

Sir Lance:?

Steven: Germany

Sir Lance:!

Lord Mike: Lance, please try to use properly formed sentances and not just punctuation marks

Sir Lance

Lord Mike: Or smilies

Sir Lance Sorry

EPILOGUE:



Jeeves: Greetings sir.

Lord Mike: Hello Jeeves. Anything itneresting happen while we were away?

Jeeves: Nothing itneresting sir, but certainly some interesting items on the agenda sir.

General Ford: Spill the beans, Jeeves!

Jeeves: I don't see where that will ... oh yes sir. Very droll sir.

Lord Mike: Well, whatever it was it can wait. I just want to sit back and relax after our harrowing trip to South End ...

General Ford: Germany.

Lord Mike: Yes, there too.

Sir Lance : Can I have the honour of kicking Jeeves this time?

Lord Mike: Be my guest.

Lord Mike Will Return in For Steak and Kidney Pies Only