h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It is midnight. Steven, Lance and Mike sit around a low, formica covered table, playing cards.

Steven: Hit me.

Lance pulls back his fist, to throw a punch, in what he hopes will be a vaguely amusing way. Mike sighs, and Lance drops his hand.

Mike: 19

Steven considers this.

Steven: Hit me.

Lance gets ready to hit him again, but then realises he tried that joke last time.

Mike: 20

Steven considers this too.

Steven: Um.... hit me.

Mike turns over a card.

Mike: 29, bust.

Steven: I'm not sure I understand this game yet...

Mike: It's a fine time to say that now. I've already won your house, your car, your personal savings and your shirt.

Steven: I still have my dignity though.

Lance: No, I won that a few rounds back.

There is a sound at the window. Mike appruptly drops the cards and hurries over to the window.

Mike: Flaming flag poles, there's a mysterious stranger outside, clutching a broken arm.

Steven: Do you think I can win his dignity from him?

Mike: This is no time for dignity. This is a time for action.

Lance: I'll put the kettle on then.

(Whilst Lance puts the kettle on Lord Mike and Steven sneak out of the backdoor of Mills House and move around to where they saw the man)

Steven: He's gone!

Lord Mike: I can see that

Steven: Sorry, I was just saying for the benefit of those that may be reading

Lord Mike: Quite

Steven: Why do you think he was clutching a broken arm? I mean, he had two perfectly good ones

Lord Mike: Maybe he won it of someone

Steven: That's pathetic, at least I didn't loose my arm to you

Lord Mike: True, though you did lose your name

: What?!

Lord Mike Steven: Yes, don't you remember? You really were very drunk weren't you?

: But I only had one glass of Fanta

Lord Mike Steven: Well that's what it does to you

(Suddenly whatshisname is grabbed from behind by a mysterious figure and pulled into the bushes)

Steven: Oh I apologise Mister and Mrs Bush, it won't happen again!

Mike Mills Steven bravely jumps in and saves from the bushes.

Mike Mills Steven: There we go. You ought to be more careful, especially after so much fanta. You know what you get like...

: Can I at least have my name back now? You've got two perfectly good ones.

Mike: Okay then, but just this once, you understand.

Stevne: That's better. Oh, for crying out loud, you've got it all sticky, and you've put the n infront of the e. You know how I like the n at the end of my name.

Mike: Personally, I think it looks better with the e at the end.

Steven: Well, it's my name, and I'll spell it how I want to, thank you very much. Now, on with the story.

Mike: There's a story here?

For lack of anything else happening a hooded stranger suddenly bursts from Mills Hall or whatever it's currently calling itself, dragging behind him Lance, and a small but very valuable greek vase...

Lord Mike: Quick! To the Mills-Mobile!

Steven: But he's on foot!

Lord Mike: Not anymore, he's just got in that taxi!

Steven: Well, I'll just call us another taxi!

Lord Mike: Alright, but I'm pretty sure I know what's going to happen next...

(Steven hails a cab and they get in)

Driver: Where to guv?

Lord Mike (sighing at it all coming around again): Follow that cab!

Driver: Right you are!

(They drive off)

Steven: Haven't we been down this street before?

(Lord Mike hits him with the hearest available object)

Steven: I'm sure as a spoof adventure story we're meant to be spoofing other stories and not our own continuity.

Mike: Good point. Quick, out of the taxi.

Steven: Any particular reason?

Mike: We haven't jumped off any bridges or got into any fights for a good two messages, and it's about time we did.

Steven: Quick, to that bridge over there!

(Mike and Steven hurry to a nearby bridge, and jump off it in true action/adventure style, coats flapping in the wind. Steven somehow manages to trip.)

(However, as they're falling, it becomes clear that underneath the bridge is a speeding train. Mike lands neatly on top of it, and Steven goes sprawling across the side, looking like a strange Steven shaped sprawling thing)

Mike: Quick, Steven, give me your hand.

(Steven retrieved, they sit on the roof of the train as it shoots away.)

Mike: Hmm, it's no conincidence that we've landed on the top of this train, I'd say. None at all.

Steven: But what's going on? Who was that man with a broken arm? Where is Lance? Why is this story called 101 fumigations? Why did that taxi driver repeat a part from an earlier story? Why are we on top of this train? And why am I asking so many questions?

Mike: I have a solution to the last question.

(He pulls out a medium sized box of pressed flowers, and hits Steven over the head with it.)

(Lord Mike dusts his hands off and throws his flowers over the edge of the train)

Lord Mike: Now, with that over and done with I have a query

Steven: Pop the quiz tiz

(Lord Mike looks at Steven oddly for a moment before regaining his composure)

Lord Mike: How are we managing to stay in a perfect position on the roof of a speeding train?

Steven: Um...

(Together they go sprawling down the train. They roll across the last carriage, his Lordship grabbing a groove on the edge, Steven falls off the train and grabs Lord Mike's leg)

Steven: This is a bit awkward!

Lord Mike: I know, look we're coming into a station, we can jump off there!

Steven: But this is the Express!

Lord Mike: Really, I always preferred the Daily Mail

Steven: Or my personal favourite, the Dailyness

>>WARNING! WARNING! PLUG ALERT!<<

Mike: The Dailyness, eh? Would that be the one with the web address www.dailyness.o-f.com ?

Steven: That's the one. Just repeat that address for me, again, I didn't quite hear it with the sound of the wind rushing by.

Mike: www.dailyness.o-f.com

>>>END OF PLUG<<<

Mike bravely and amazingly manages to climb down the side of the train, pull open a window, and climb in. Steven bravely and amazingly manages to hang onto Mike's leg while this goes on, and safely be carried into the train.

Mike: You can let go of my leg now, Steve.

Steven: I can... oh yes.

(Bravely, Steven lets go of Mike's leg and climbs to his feet.)

Mike: Now we quickly need to come up with a reason why we're on board this train, and some how link it in with the plot.

Steven: Good grief there's Lance.

Mike: That would be good, but it doesn't really have any plot basis at all, does it?

Steven: No, really, he's over there.

(Mike spins round, knocking a nearby eldery pensioner into the side of the carriage.)

Mike: Sorry madame, but I'm needed further down the carriage.

Little old lady: Oh that's quite alright, deary, you get on with your rescuing.

Mike: Quick, Steve, down the corridoor.

Steven: To the mills-mobile!

Mike: No, that's my line, and I usually say it at the end of a post There's still another 6 lines left of this message.

Steven: Really? Only 6 lines? Does that mean something unexpected is about to happen?

(At that moment, the little old lady threw back her hood, and hit Steven over the head with a shovel that she had been carrying.)

(Steven slumps to the ground, stunned)

Steven: Wow, that really was amazing, well done! Honestly, I'm stunned!

(He then slumps unconsious)

Little old lady: Haha! So we meet again Lord Mike!

Lord Mike: I'm sorry, but I don't think we've met before

Little old lady: Oh... really? Oh well...

(She raises her walking stick)

Little old lady: Haa!

(She lundges at his Lordship who parries the blow with his walking cane. They fight Pertwee-style down the train, they finally reach the end of the train and the old lady catches Lord Mike a blow around the chest, sending him reeling into the door. It swing open and his Lordship has to hang onto the window frame as he dangles helplessly over the speeding tracks)

Lord Mike: Now, this seems familiar...

(As Mike hangs by his finger nails, on the edge of the train, his mind wanders back to his fourth birthday.

He remembered the cake, a large cane shaped cake, with a little candle that came out of the end when he ate some of it. He remembered his presents, and the party. He remembered the fat girl who was sick in the corner. He remembered the bouncy castle that had caused that sickness. He remembered when Billy Gregham stole his rocket ship. He then remembered how he got it back of him.)

Mike: Mummy, that big boy stole my rocket ship.

Little Old Lady: ...What?

(And in the split second while she is too startled to react, Mike jumps aboard the train, rescues Lance, find out who the man with the broken arm was, and sorts that out, helps Steven back to his feet and gets an ice pack for his head, climbs into Marian's bedroom and leaves a small box of chocolates for her, returns and engages the little old lady in combat once again...)

Little Old Lady: And so we enter... Endgame!

Lord Mike: NO! The cursed title. Every planned Doctor Who story with that title has never been made, due to one thing or another.

Little Old Lady: That's right. This post... will never be made!

(The Little Old Lady and Lord Mike grapple their way around the carriage, eventually the Little Old Lady forces his Lordship back againtowards the open doorway)

Little Old Lady: Prepare to die Lord Mike!

Lord Mike: Never!

(He dives to the ground, forces his feet up into her stomach and tosses the Little Old Lady over him and out of the carriage)

Little Old Lady: Aaaaaaahhh...

(Steven awakes and crosses to where Lord Mike is standing by the open doorway)

Lord Mike: And so the Endgame ends...

Steven: Did I miss anything?

Lord Mike: Apart from the point?

Steven: Um... Yes?

Lord Mike: Come on Steven

(He puts his ram on Steven's back and together they walk off along the carriage)

Lord Mike: You know Steven, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship...

Steven: You what?

(There is no time to answer as they walk straihgt out of the carriage door)

EPILOGUE

(They return home, to find the gallant and noble Sir Lance, a dashing figure if ever there was one, walking back into the main room, tea tray in hand and frilly apron on.)

Sir Lance: No I'm not. It's designer wear.

(Lord Mike and Steven share a glance.)

Lord Mike: What are you doing here?

Sir Lance: Getting the tea. Sorry I'm so late, but the kettle exploded and I had to pop down to Safeway to buy a new one.

Steven: But ... but if you're you ...

Sir Lance: Which I am.

Steven: Yes ... then what's this?

(Lord Mike holds up window dummy, dressed in approximation of Sir Lance's clothing. It has, strapped to it, a giant bomb with a small note.)

Steven: What does the note say?

Lord Mike: It says "This is a note."

Steven: Oh.

TO BE CONCLUDED, EVENTUALLY.

101 Fumigations starred (in order of starring)

The Monopoly Man as Lord Mike

A Ford Escort as Steven Ford

Mister Punch as Sir Lance

Dame Judie Dench as the Little Old Lady

and

A Sofa as Lord Mike's stunt double's stunt double