h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*clambers on up to the top of the Spire*

*standing in the shade of the single tree, admires the expansive view*

*yawns and stretches*

[Front]: Sorry, dear hearts. It appears I nodded off for a while.

I shall remain with Caer. An Extremely Wild Ride would be bad for my heart. And my stomach.

*sheds hair all over the person at the top of the spire*

worrrrrrrrrgh!

* Notices as he nears the top of the spiral stairs that there is a ledge just to the right, just perfect for sitting on, and makes a detour that way. As he rounds the bend, he spots some writing on the other side of the spire. *

Oh look! Someone has written a poem on top of the spire!




Humphrey Dumpty: In Memorium

Humphrey Dumpty on a spire he danced
Humphrey Dumpty stepped left 'stead of pranced.
Not Brahms nor Bach, not Chopin nor Schumann
Could recompose the yolk or the albumen.


Oh, Humphrey! You never were much of a dancer! Why, oh why! Alas!

* Steadies himself on the wall, as he feels his knees getting a bit weak. *

Humpty Dumpty - look out!

Dang - are the audience allowed to take part in the play or not? *gritting teeth*

Hey - you!

*addressing the cow and the cat*

Make sure he doesn't fall down, will you!

**Beginning softly and rising swiftly into full swing, the main action theme from the Indiana Jones movies swells in volume and intensity. In time with the music, as if choreographed that way, Purr in Boots flips open the vest of his jerkin to reveal a whip coiled at his waist. He quickly unhooks it, tosses the loose end backward, then deftly slings it forward. The leather whip wraps around Humpty Dumpty’s waist several times, cinching up tight. Purr leans back and tugs at the egg-man’s bulk, simultaneously grasping the Pantomime Cow’s tail again and straining with all his might.**

[Purr] We musst not… have anotherr… calamity on… thiss set… Pull, Queen of Dairry…! Pull forr all that’s within yeou…! We musst averrt… poorr Humpty’s… impending demise…

**He then looks at the Audience with an “isn’t this exciting?” cameo look, seeking out Titania in particular, who put him up to this.**

*the mice have crept up to where the tea things are laid out, and now each grabs a piece of custard cream then scampers away and up the staircase*

All:
We don't care about splendid views,
It's the trip to the gingerbread house we choose!
Ascending the spiral right up the middle
We'll answer the cookie monster's riddle
Then cling to the ride all the way to the house,
And recover our honour as mother goose mouse!

*Two wolves bound out of the tunnel and stop, panting, look around wildly. They spot the stranger and their lips curl as they crouch, ready to spring. Then they notice the rest of the group and an uncertain look enters their eyes. They slowly back back into the tunnel, hoping no one noticed them.

Several minutes later, Mary emerges from the tunnel, followed by her . The sheep wool, however, is somewhat dishevelled and a small patch of grey fur sticks out at the back. Mary nonchallantly tucks the fur under the wool, then walks over to the stranger.*


I think you may have a surprise at the next full moon.


<--- grins

(B4 sits cross-legged at the top of HoHo Spire, checking out the Replay screen on his TIH&G unit. He keeps rewinding and playing a certain scene in slow-mo...)

I suppose Mary and her (full-grown) Sheep definitely CAN fend for themselves!

B4iopenacanofAlpo

*looks around, thinking she saw something odd in the corner of her eye*

*doesn't notice anything special*

*blows a to Purr-in-boots for assuming the role of the leading hero*

*finally climbs to the top step*

All those s remind me of Daddy's castle, you have to keep them amused. If you ignore them they get terribly sulking and start knocking paintings off the wall!

*Picks blue hairs off her clothing.*

You know, I'll think I should stand under this outcropping.

*sips *

OOOOoooOOOOooOOOo [Knock paintings off the wall?]

OoooOOOOOooooO [You know, Reb, I never thought of that!]

oooOOOooooOo [Let's do it!]

OooOOOoo oooOOO [But there aren't any paintings around here]

OOOOoooooOOOoooo [And we have bigger things to worry about]

*points a transluscent finger at the big blue ghost*

*glares at the ghosts*

Wooooooooooooooooooorgh!!! [I'd get you but I have a riddle to tend to first]

Worrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! [But just you wait!]

*dances madly by the egg, shedding hair over everyone*

Quick move out of the way everyone, falling hair!

**Purr in Boots does a double-take and checks himself over.**

[Purr] Nope; it iss not mine... Thiss casscading of indigo strrands of prrotein does, however, remind meow of a cerrtain movie title featuring a young gentleman of colorr (and hiss motorrcycle), who sseemingly could not deterrmine whetherr to use his given name or use an iconic ssymbol in its sstead, though that has nothing whateverr to do with the prresent circumstance of falling hairr, as he had quite a head-ful, at that...

**Purr stops jabbering long enough to step out of the way of a flurry of blue fur wafting past him.**

*as the actors' dialogue makes it clear that they know the answer to the riddle, the Cookie Monster performs a wild leap in the air causing the rest of his hairy coat to fly off and turn into fireworks*



*an entrance booth appears next to the Egg, and beyond it a string of cable cars with no visible means of support*

*the late Cookie Monster comes back to the ground, looking quite hairless and odd, to man, er, ghost the turnstile*

(B4 stands and stretches his legs, saunters over to the turnstile, fishes in his pocket for a token, pulls out some pocket lint, and shrugs.)

I hope the ride's free, GoCM, ‘cause I don’t seem to have “exact change”. Ya know, if this ride is as scary as it's been billed, ya oughta take the trip, too. I could be a real hair-raising experience!

(B4 checks out the wooden sign with the instructions to “keep your hands and feet inside the cable car at all times”, then notices several sets of hash-marks along the edge in the form a large ruler. He’s pleased to see he qualifies for the “you must be at least this tall” criterion for “Aliens and Other-Worldly Beings”. There are other lines of demarcation for riders such as “Artistically Inclined Bovines”, “Personifications of Food Items”, “Fictional Anti-Heroes Without Orthodontists”, “Divas of Questionable Persuasion”, “Lycanthropes--No Matter What Age”, “Familiars and Tag-Along-Pets”, “Plush Toys with Candy Monikers”, “Creatures Not Larger Than a Bread Box”, and—way down at the bottom, with a series of small striations—“Wee Critters No Bigger’n a Myrmecoid”. Just beside the sign, on a wobbly pedestal, is what appears to be a large empty pickle jar with a hand-scrawled sign reading, “Dis-Embodied Spirits and Ectoplasmic Entities”. Taped to the pedestal with duct tape is a P*werP*int slide asserting that “All large mechanical conveyances—no matter what color—must use the water piping in yon shed with the crescent moon.”)