h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi, Smudger,

Nice ones, always good for a smile. I don't seem to have seen you around much lately, and you weren't in I do hope you and Mark ll are

I am going offline in a minute, but I will look in tomorrow and hope to hear from you.



Websailor

Hi WS, Yea! I was a bit late with my Snippet for this month, been going through a bad spell of late therapist, (who I saw earlier today) says it was flash backs, what ever they are?
Mk2 is keeping well, thanks for asking, she is all the better now she managed to stop smoking at last!
It was amazing really, as one night she was coughing so bad she prayed for help her stop smoking, and would you believe it, the next day she never even got the urge to smoke! Now that is weird, Eh!

Here is a joke for you all...........

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


Smudger.

Hi Smudger,

I missed your snippet too, but I totally understand. I too suffer from flash backs, where you hear, see or even smell something which causes a flash back of a past event. It is sometimes an unpleasant event, and it can be difficult to get back to real life mode!

I am on the long waiting list for a therapist, hopefully it will be sometime this year .

MK2 will notice a benefit to her breathing now that she has stopped smoking, it must be difficult though to give up.

Anyway, all the best. Liked the joke .

Nigel

Hi Nigel, Aye I had to wait for over a year to start therapy, mind you I have been going now for over 3 months and to be honest the nightmares are still occurring, but she did say they would

Here is a couple more.........

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....


Smudger.

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'


Smudger.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravies, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.



Smudger.

Brilliant, Smudger .

Here is one: The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at £7000 per month.
~
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we don't know where he is.
~
I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.
~
The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~
I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~
I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 400 quid.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate..
~
I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.
~
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
~
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.
~
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.


Nigel

One for PM I think.

Websailor

Actual writing in hospital notes;

* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.

* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.

* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

*She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
life until she got a divorce.

*I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities

* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
Airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we
should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took
a job as a stock broker instead.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped,
and he was feeling better.



Smudger.

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself
out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had

to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....


Smudger.

Me too Hope you are both coping ok with the weather.

Websailor

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started...



Smudger.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***


Smudger.

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***


Smudger.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes
later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the
back-seat by mistake."


Smudger.

poor


Websailor

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and
help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


Smudger.

Shown below, is a letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh -and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client


(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS'!!!!!


And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.



Smudger.

Thanks Smudger, that is brilliant Now we know where the garbage is coming from that we get here



Websailor

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you
used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and
got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"


Smudger.