h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The big win resignation I've had in mind for a few years but never had the chance to use it is the "Star Trek resignation". The basic idea is as follows:

1. Purchase authentic looking Star Trek uniform to wear to work.

2. Refer to your superiors as Captain, Admiral or other appropriate title. When asked to do something respond with "Aye Captain" or similar.

3. Staff you have a supervisory responsibility for call No 1 or Yeoman depending on their perceived status within the organisation. When these members of staff suggest an idea, use the classic Jean Luc Picard response of "Make it so!"

4. Your organisation should now be referred to as "the Federation". Competitors become Romulans (or Borg in the case of hostile takeovers). Trustworthy but humourless colleagues Vulcans. I'm sure you get the idea...

5. When entering or leaving a room ensure there is an audible "shisht" noise when opening and closing doors.

6. Don't push buttons in the lifts, simply tell the lift where you want to go - it will understand. Avoid using keyboards or mice - shout your command and the computer and ensure your anger at the lack of response is obvious.

7. Phone numbers at random asking for a status report - especially immediately after fire drills...

8. Continue the above and other similar behaviours until the company arranges a psychiatric assessment.

My last boss was a major Trekkie so I'm sure he would have seen the funny side - for the first couple of days. Sadly I was looking for a good reference so couldn't use this form of farewell (plus I've no idea where to buy the uniform).

Hi,

I'm sure with some solid web searching you could find a uniform. I've seen them around in various levels of quality. A decent one will be expensive. I suggest you stay away from the uniforms from any of the movies because they are pretty much uniformly ugly.

In the office/ship environment you would have to make sure to appropriately rank yourself, and the tricky bit would be ensuring other staff (especially those beneath you) also display appropriate insignia.

As weekends approach you could refer to the upcoming shore leave.

When major problems occur you could suggest reversing the polarity.

If things turn really ugly you can use the excellent Holodeck phrase "computer end program" then look honestly concerned and surprised if your environment does not instantly change into a gridded, empty, room.

If someone suggests something you don't like you can try arguing that it would contravene the Prime Directive.

You could ask nubile visitors to the office to teach you first-hand about the Earth activity called "kissing".

Your plan has definite potential, and I will bear it in mind for when my time comes.

Best regards,

Lieutenant WennaKat
Starship Titanic

If you go to work as a red-jumpered security guard from the original show, do you get sacked?

Fired, maybe, but on prior evidence I think you'd be more likely to get bludgeoned to death on the conference room table, or drained of your body salt, poisoned by strange fruit, destabilised at a molecular level in a freak transporter accident or otherwised brought to a swift demise in some weird and tragic manner.

Do *NOT* wear a red shirt, ever. It's just too dangerous.

Lt WennaKat

But the red guys were originally engineers, and now they're bridge staff, yet the Red Shirt thing still seems to apply... Someone should warn the Captain!

Anyway, continuing the Star Trek weirdness...

When you're off sick, blame it on theta radiation caused by a tacion phase inversion in the deuterium reactor.

When the boss asks you to do something you don't want to do, accuse him of being under an alien influence.

Hmm...


Tachyon phase inversion would be more likely to put you out of step with everyone else in a temporal sense (ie put you into a time shift), rather than give a theta radiation burn, but I can see your heart's in the right place. *grin*

Do you think we have a few trekkers here?

Trek on!

Lt WennaKat

The red shirts are Ship's services, blue is sciences and gold is command, I think...

Another good one would be if, when asked to do anything, shout "I'm a doctor, not a photocopier/tea-maker/computer operator, dammit!"

This probably wouldn't work if you are, in fact, a doctor, though.
"I'm a doctor, not a doctor, dammit!"

Hi Ralph (and André),

Your assessment is spot on for original Trek (TOS) with Kirk and Spock, but they changed the colours for The Next Generation (TNG) with Picard et al. In TNG Command is Red, Medical types are blue and Ships services - techs and security -- are gold, which includes engineering and Data (which is good because the gold picks up his eyes beautifully).

Worf (security) was in Gold, until he was promoted to command (red);
Dr Crusher was in Blue, except when she took command (red);
Picard was in Red, except the episode wherein Q made him a sciency Lieutenant;
and I watch far too much Startrek (Im wearing black, white and rose).

In my favour though I haven't even noticed the colours in the new series, "Enterprise". Would someone like to take over?

Lt WennaKat

Haven't seen ENTERPRISE yet. My assessment is also not quite right for the movies, in wich white is command, olive is sciences, and some other ones wich I've forgotten.

Last time I saw Enterprise was a while ago I'll admit, but as I recall,

Red = Command
Gold = Engineering/Security etc.
Kinda purple/blue = medical

HTH

is Enterprise still running? i sadly sadly now live in a country where there is NO star trek, of any description. i thought enterprise never made it past the first season (i saw the first few episodes before emigrating from the world of trek)

I don't know, all they show here is reruns of Voyager and DS9

Hi,

I just checked on the Paramount website - just wrapped up Season 2 of Enterprise, so I guess it must be going ok.

It took quite a few episodes to grow on me, took me a while to even get past the theme SONG (with words and everything). Trek? With a theme song?

Anyway, then there was the whole getting over the Quantum Leap guy being captain....but, if you can get past all that, it's not too bad. It never really feels like Trek to me, but it is scifi and that counts for a lot.

It's no Babylon 5 (sadly).

If anyone out there has a chance to watch Babylon 5 from the beginning, do it. Definitely worth while.

All the very best,

WennaKat
(in a country where Entreprise is on sometime between 11 and 12 midnight on a Wednesday when there isn't some dumb sporting event to bump it for.)

At least you get a chance to let it grow

M,

Awwww.......*cuddle*

W

Hi Guys.

This is my first time in so I apologise if I get this wrong, ettiquete wise.

As I understand the colour codings in TNG/DS9/VOY, Blue was Sciences, which included Medical. Hence Jadzia Dax, who was DS9's science officer, wore blue.

Keep the Trek stuff coming!

Yes - I believe you're right. Science in blue, engineering in gold.

Apparently the "red" is actually cranberry. I read that somewhere.

So then I guess the question is, why does Data wear gold? Surely he is pretty much science officer. He isn't security, he isn't engineering (though, as we all know, he is a little bit of everything).

Maybe he just didn't look good in blue or red.

WennaKat

Data is the OPS officer, wich is sort of what Chekov does in TOS. Harry Kim wears gold in VGR, as he, to is OPS officer.