"If you're a researcher on this book thing and you were on Earth, you must have been gathering material on it."

"Well, I was able to extend the original entry a bit, yes."

"Let me see what it says in this edition, then. I've got to see it."

. . . "What? Harmless! Is that all it's got to say? Harmless! One word! . . . Well, for God's sake I hope you managed to rectify that a bit."

"Oh yes, well I managed to transmit a new entry off to the editor. He had to trim it a bit, but it's still an improvement."

"And what does it say now?" asked Arthur.

"Mostly harmless," admitted Ford with a slightly embarrassed cough.

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

We know how Ford Prefect felt. All that research for nothing. Don't you hate it when editors (the scoundrels!) take out all your best bits?

Worry not: the Edited Guide is here to help. At h2g2.com, we prove that Earth is much more than Mostly Harmless. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition is an ever-growing compendium of information, snark, and advice on the subjects of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Currently, there are over 11,000 handcrafted Guide Entries. See that Search Box in the upper right-hand corner? The one that says, 'Find h2g2 Entries' in large, friendly letters? Just type in the subject you want to know about, hit 'Go', and in nanoseconds you will be finding out facts you never knew you wanted to know, but now wonder how you lived without.

You will probably also be laughing rather a lot, which is why h2g2ing on trains is not for the pathologically shy. Our editors aren't like Zarniwoop: they always leave in the best bits.

We're not sure what Ford Prefect thinks of our work, but recent excavations under some old sofa cushions in a youth hostel in Kathmandu unearthed a clue in the form of a handwritten list. This list indicates what Ford Prefect liked best about Earth. We've taken the liberty of adding our two cents by linking to the relevant parts of the Edited Guide.

Here, then, is Part II: The Universe.

1. Humans haven't known about the universe very long. In fact, they're still debating how it got there, who's responsible, and whether it was good idea or not. The jury's still out.
2. Nonetheless, humans have come a long way in their understanding of the universe since the early days. Ancient humans used to think the night sky was a giant set of connect-the-dots pictures.
3. Humans also used to believe that when rocks fell from the sky, it meant something, other than 'the rock got tired of flying around'. They also feared eclipses and thought they could chase them away by making a lot of noise. This may explain rock music, but then, it may not.
4. When science got started in Europe (one of the more pretentious parts of Earth), scientists at first refused to believe that rocks fell from the sky at all. They really hadn't got the hang of this 'science' business yet. Peasants with wheelbarrows full of space rocks failed to convince them. It took a meteor shower in a populated area to change their minds.
5. Even today, descendants of those early scientists go around making videos 'proving' that the Earth is flat. The videos aren't nearly as interesting as the works of Terry Pratchett, who invented a fictional Discworld. Sir Terry was a very nice human, and he knew that Earth wasn't flat. He just liked to have fun. Humans miss him.
6. Humans who are willing to admit the Earth isn't flat can sometimes get to go into orbit. If they didn't know the planet was round, they might go into shock on spaceflights.
7. Early spaceflight on Earth was a competitive sport: different countries are still bragging about who had the first male human, female human, and even cat in space. Humans tend to be uncomfortably speciesist, which is why you really don't want to invite them to a sophisticated interplanetary dinner party. They're liable to be unable to tell the hostess from the entrée.
8. Early space exploration was held up while humans worked out important details, such as whether it was possible to swallow food in zero gravity. Food is very important to humans, and they don't have copies of the Michedoofis Guide to 15-Star Restaurants yet.
9. Current space exploration fails to excite most humans, which is why space agencies like NASA need all the publicity they can get. (Even from terrible 'artists'.)
10. In spite of the fact that Earth has put a human on its moon, and even has working robots on the nearest planet (ununionised), humans haven't found out for sure whether there's anyone else out there. That's because we've been keeping very quiet – and with good reason. Have you seen their films?
11. Some humans believe that aliens are interfering with their crop patterns. Others claim that the unauthorised landscaping is done by drunken humans from the UK, a place known for its bad weather, excessive alcohol consumption, and somewhat juvenile sense of humour. Once again, the jury is still out, but the fact that the patterns get more elaborate as human computer programs get more sophisticated is a telling point in favour of the drunken Brits, who are glad to take credit.
12. In spite of widespread discomfort with the notion that aliens might be visiting their neighbourhoods, some humans actually go out and look for them. What they think they'll do with one once they catch him/her/it/sqlzch, Zarquon only knows.
13. Humans are on the brink of figuring out what to do with space. After all, there's a lot of it out there. So far, they haven't done much, other than think up schemes for moving asteroids that are headed their way, and shooting science fiction movies in orbit. But it's early days yet.
14. Many humans find lucrative job opportunities in the opening field of space technology. Human knowledge of space is increasing every day – although many other humans are, frankly, more interested in collecting Star Trek trivia.

Next time: Earth and Everything.

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