h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Today we'll cover the vices, the guru said.
Sloth is first, the easiest of all."

The acolytes hurried to write down his words.

"It's all in my book," the guru chided.

"You haven't *written* a book," said one.

"That’s sloth for you."

Lots of good ideas here, choosing our favourites will be hard!

Towelcast42

[I hope the stories will keep on coming.]

"I see you at the altar next June," said the fortune-teller.
Your dress is fuschia. The bridesmaids are wearing fuschia. The church is full of fuschias..."

"This is disturbing!"

"Don't you love tour fiance?"

"I do, but this is fuschia shock."

[Let me try that story again, minus the typos.....]

"I see you at the altar next June," said the fortune-teller.
"Your dress is fuschia. The bridesmaids are wearing fuschia. The church is full of fuschias..."

"This is disturbing!"

"Don't you love your fiance?"

"I do, but this is fuschia shock."

“Such an amazing dog!” the Deacon exclaimed as Sweety used her paws to pour tea and add sugar. “Why the ‘Beware of the dog’ sign out front?”

“You’ll see,” I said.” Taste your tea.”

“It’s too sweet!”

“My last dog was Nosugar.”

This is your surrealist phase, I see, paul.

And for fuchsia shock...

"This is your surrealist phase, I see, paul"

I was always drawn to Surreallism.

The huntress carefully sharpens her fearsome blades. She conceals herself and waits. Her unwary prey, intent on its own breakfast, draws too close. The huntress springs into action, her knives unsheathed. The deadly dance leaves one partner limp. The other, victorious, purrs.

Vivid.

There will be blood!

The far edge of the chasm was tantalizingly close. A quick run, a hard jump and the rush of air past his ears buoyed him up and carried him over even as he realized it was nearly two feet too far away.

“I’ll drive. You can give me directions.”

“Fine. Turn off the highway here.”

“Got it.”

“Go through 37 traffic lights….”

“Whoa! Why not go by distance?”

“Okay, it’s about a mile. Red house on the left”

“Let’s park and walk.”

“Good idea!”

He heard the refrigerator door open. Meat cleaver in hand, he
crept into the kitchen. It was The Fairy again! He raised the cleaver.

"Thank you, Otis," The Fairy exclaimed. She cut the roast with
the cleaver. "Want cheese on your sandwich?

OK, so that's just weird, paulh.

We need sound effects KWDave. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, splat.

"OK, so that's just weird, paulh" [Solnushka]

I have a special fondness for weird. I would like to expand the story and post it in the Short Shorts thread.

Go on then. I find myself oddly in need of finding out more about the vlaerlu strained relationship there.

I'm thinking the sound effects would be more like, "OH $%@!?$!!!!!!!!" splat.

Once the window was up, Creed crawled in and soundlessly made his way to the safe. “I can do this,” he thought. He rotated dials and turned the handle. It opened! He loaded his bag with money. Then the chihuahua woke up.

THRUM...THRUM... The looms had started again.

Mrs. Halifax was back! I knocked on her door.

"Tom!" she said. "Hide! Lord Vampid will imprison you."

We heard footsteps. "That's him now," she said.

Moonlight illuminated the looms. I donned a wedding gown...

His eight-meter craft was dwarfed by the creature in the water. It cast a baleful eye on him, then rolled into a dive. Its tail rose up, terrifying, close, higher than the radar tower, then with a flick it slowly sank away.