h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pussy cat pussy cat where have you been?
'I've been up to London to visit the Queen.'
Pussy cat pussy cat, what did you there?
I was attacked by a savage, vicious pack of bloodthirsty, brutal corgis, and hid under a chair.'

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'I'm sorry,' sobbed the princess, 'I can't marry you. I like manly men - you're too feminine. Besides, your mother, Widow Twanky, looks like a man.'
'Oh no she doesn't!' Aladdin replied, slapping her knee.
'Oh yes she does. She's behind you!'

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You know, Bluebottle, these are inspired. I shall teach some of them to my children. *cackles*

Gotta do something when reading the same ditty for the seventy tumpty time.

'Fee fi fo fum!
I smell the blood of an Englishman!
Be he alive, or be he dead
I'll grind his bones to make my bread!'
'I say!' Exclaimed Jack, offended, 'That's both racist and sexist – no wonder you giants are extinct...'

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Hot Cross Buns! Hot Cross Buns!
New reduced price - saving your funds
Get six - 60p
Every little helps, you see.
Cheaper, honest, just for you
Plus get cardclubpoints too!
Hot cross buns!
Everyone who leaves Asdco must slap their bums!

(A comment on supermarkets' practice of increasing the prices on goods, yet advertising it as a 'New reduced rollback price!' when actually it is more expensive.)

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Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
That injected radioactive poison inside her
- Now, whenever she eats curds and whey, she becomes The Amazing Spider-Muffet!
Spider-Muffet! Spider-Muffet! She does whatever Spider-man does.

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One two three four five
Once I caught a fish alive
Six seven eight nine ten
Then I let it go again.
'Why did you let it go?'
Because the Security Guards made me before they threw me out of the aquarium...

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thanks Bluebottle.

I have nothing to offer on this subject, although
I used to write fairy stories;

once upon a time.

On tonight's 'Who Do You Think You Are' - King Oedipus. Abandoned as a baby and ignorant about his true parents, how will he react when he learns he accidentally killed his father in self-defence and his wife, Jocasta, is really his mother?

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This is the supermarket with beeping tills
And its petrol station whose pump fills
The cars that drive along on the bypass
Leading between Point A to Point B very fast
All constructed on the site of the house that Jack built.

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There was a crooked man who walked a crooked mile
Who bought a mobility scooter which he drives in crooked style.
He drives at 5mph in the middle of busy roads
And loves bumping into people's shins and ankles, driving over toes.

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The young girl, ordered to turn straw into gold, faced execution. Then a strange creature appeared, offering to fill the room with gold in exchange for the girl's first child. She happily agreed, and asked the creature's name.
'I'm Rumplestiltskin's sister, Madonna.'

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Ding Dong Bell
Pussy's in the well.
Who put her in?
Little Johnny Green.
Who pulled her out?
The RSPCA, who charged Johnny Green under the Animal Welfare Act. Green was fined £20,000, imprisoned for five years and banned from owning animals.

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There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she went to Uni, to look hip
She tattooed her face and pierced her lip
And now has an orange Mohican, which looks horrid.

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