h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain
He stepped into a puddle
That went right up to his middle
And went straight to Claims Direct's team dedicated to compensate those suffering trips or falls that are not their fault.

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Polly, having a dolly who was sick, called a doctor to come quick. He came, shook his head, saying 'Put her straight to bed', writing a prescription for a pill.
"That," summarised Aneurin Bevan, addressing Parliament, "is my vision for the NHS."

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The Troll had a brother. When the Billy Goats Gruff trip-trapped one-by-one back across the bridge, he ate the littlest Billy goat, then the middle sized Billy goat, but let the biggest Billy goat cross unhindered. Moral – pick on the little guy

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Goldilocks, having entered the three bears' house when hungry, sat down at the table. She tried the first bowl of porridge, it was too hot. The second? Too cold.

So she grabbed cash from Mummy Bear's handbag and phoned for a takeaway.

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Oh Mary, Mary
Famous for being quite contrary
Please tell me exactly how does your garden now grow?
Why, with Alan Titchmarsh and his Ground Force TV crew
Putting decking everywhere where plants once grew,
And Charlie Dimmock water-features in a row.

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Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean.
And so between them both, you see, they licked the platter clean.
See their full story in this week's episode of 'Super size versus Super Skinny', only on Channel Bore.

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'Cinderella, I'm your Godfather. You will go to the ball.'
'Will you magic up a beautiful blancmange dress and turn pumpkins into carriages?'
'Nah. I'm gonna put a horse's head in your stepmother's bed and make her an offer she cannot refuse...'

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'Now son,' said William Tell, 'Just stand over there and put this Apple on your head, while I shoot it with my old, trusty crossbow. Hopefully the accidental damage insurance will be enough for us to upgrade to the Apple iThing3...'

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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Anything was better than paying the extortionate price for bottled mineral water, which is tap water with chemicals added, wrapped in plastic and shipped worldwide for maximum ecological damage.

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I must say these are simply marvellous!

mini

"Hello, I'm Kevin VeryLoud and in today's Grand Design the first little pig builds a house out of straw. This is an environmentally friendly and ecological material, perfect for insulation, but how will a modern thatched house help bring the outdoors inside?"

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(Already in the Miscellaneous thread, but I thought I'd include it here too)

The vain and proud Emperor returned home late after displaying his New Magical Clothes on a long procession. Tired, dirty and sweaty, he ordered them to be thoroughly washed. Yet after the tumble-dryer had finished, he could not find one sock anywhere...

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Mummy Bear whinged at Daddy, 'If you were a better bear we'd replace Goldilocks as the story's stars! It'd be 'The Three Bears', just like it's 'The Three Billy Goats Gruff', not 'The Troll'. It's 'The Little Three Pigs', not 'The Wolf'!"

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The handsome prince cut down the vines surrounding the castle, broke down the door, went to Sleeping Beauty's bedroom and awoke her from her slumber with her kiss.
He then went straight to gaol on charges of trespass, vandalism and sexual assault.

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The Shoemaker's wife said, 'Let's make the Elves some clothes to say thank you!'
'Do you know their neck, cup, waist, inside leg and shoe measurements so the clothes will fit?' The cobbler asked.
'Urm, no.'
So they gave book tokens instead.

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"I'm Gok-Wan, welcome to 'Look Good Naked'. Today the wicked witch, who has knobbly knees, turned out toes and a poisonous wart at the end of her nose, takes all her clothes off. I won't be wearing my glasses when that happens..."

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Before the 2012 Olympic Games' Opening Ceremony begins, a moment of silence please for athlete The Gingerbread Man. Sadly eaten by Usain Bolt during a tragic training exercise.
His last words; 'Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me...'

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The man in the moon
Came down too soon
And asked his way to Norwich.
He went by the south
and burnt his mouth
By supping on plum porridge.
His SatNav was on the blink again
Next time he caught the train.

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Incywincy spider climbed up the water spout
Down came rain, washing Incywincy out
Out came the sun, drying all the rain
So Incywincy spider climbed up again.
He ended up in the house's bathroom
Where Miss Muffet squashed him with a broom.

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