h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A rumour I hope is true.
WC Fields once played Philadelphia and died a death. therafter he would say to friends...'I'd rather die than live in Philadelphia'. His tombstone (allegedly) bears the inscription...'I wish I were in Philadelphia'.

One night at dinner Winston Churchill was engaged in a lively debate with a somewhat obnoxious and vociferous member of the non penis club who was losing points in the debate and resorted to declaring 'Good God you're drunk!'
He replied 'And you Madam are ugly. Tomorrow I will be sober'.

Hardly philosophy but it keeps the world amused. Most favourite gravestone inscription...'I told you I was sick'
take care
boots (needs to brush up on philosophy)

Those are cool, I like those .

Churchill, allegedly said "An empty taxi drew up at number 10 and Clement Attlee got out". He also claimed that Clement Attlee was a "sheep in sheep's clothing", though the denied having said both vigourously.

" . . . he denied having said both vigourously" I've no doubt he said them with the utmost sangfroid.

Welcome Chaiwallah and Hound! Just the stuff! It was getting polemical here for a while, though we managed to distract ourselves . . .

The empty taxi reminds me of a story: three professors at a roadside cafe, one suddenly says "Did you see that? Three people just got into an empty car, and then four got out!"

The professor of zoology said "Ah, they reproduced!"

The professor of physics said "The measurement was inexact!"

The professor of maths said "The number of people now in the car is exactly minus one."

It's like the thing with the psychologist and the flea, I'm sure you've all heard it...

No...more please.

It's less of a witticism, and more of a dig at psychologists by psychoanalists. Or the other way round. It goes like this: a psychologist yells "JUMP!" at a flea. The flea jumps. He then cuts off three of its legs, and yells "JUMP!" again. The flea jumps, but not so high. So he cuts off the other flea, and tells it to jump. The flea does not jump. He concludes from this that the flea has gone deaf.

hehe...nice one.
take care
boots

I'm all out for the moment, anyone else got any?

"cuts off the other flea"....

Do you know the difference between education and training?

Winnie was at dinner and a servant came to call him to the phone.
"Who is it?"
"De Gaulle, Sir."
"Tell him to wait, I'm eating."

Five minutes later, same servant, same message.
Same reply.

Ten minutes later, same servant...
Winnie's had enough, he gets up and leaves the room.

Doesn't come back for a long time.
Finally lumbers into the dining room.
"I'm sorry, I had to listen to the General tell me for an hour and half how the French regard him as the reincarnation of St. Joan of Arc. Finally, I had to subtly remind him that the English got so tired of the first one that they burnt her at the stake."

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

...then the duck says,"It started out as a pimple..."

...then the husband shouts,"Hey, what are you two laughing at, you're next!"

...then the bird sticks his head out of the bird's anus and says,"You wouldn't..."

....and the bird said, "When you're in deep sh*t, keep your head down!"
....it gives a man great power and strength when he bites his own bollix.
....right lads, back on yer heads!
....or, as the swan said, "Anyone for a game of follow the Leda."

Ah go on Chai, give us the Nagasaki Scissors!

On this highly sophisticated philosophical thread? Wouldn't that be lowering the tone somewhat? And anyway, more appropriate to the current tellusajokethread, which I'm having problems locating.



o

Hmm, I could lower the tone somewhat, but i suspect it would be moderated.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: "Knock Knock.."

Bertrand Russell: "Ummmm.."

Ludwig Wittgenstein: "Knock Knock.."

Bertrand Russell: "Are you feeling ok, Ludwig, old chap?"

Wittgenstein: "I am fine, thank you. I am attempting to formulate something you English call a joke. It begins with 'Knock Knock'. This announces the arrival of a person as yet unknown. Do you understand?"

Russell: "Yes, I think so..."

Wittgenstein: "Good. We proceed then. Knock Knock.."

Russell: "Er.. ah! Hello strange person, would you care to come in and have some tea? Or perhaps an Eccles cake, or..."

Wittgenstein: "NO! You must ask me 'who is there'? This is the logical formulation - 'who is there?'. You see? We proceed?"

Russell: "Absolutely. Fire away."

Wittgenstein: "Knock Knock"

Russell: "Who'se there?"

Wittgenstein: "Ian"

Russell: "Ian? Ian who?"

Wittgenstein "Ian... life it is never a mathematical proposition which we need, but we use mathematical propositions only in order to infer from propositions which do not belong to mathematics to others which equally do not belong to mathematics. Ha. Ha."

Russell: "Yes."

Wittgenstein: "It wasn't funny?"

Russell: "No."

Wittgenstein: "Well, that is settled then. I don't apply to join the Footlights Review. I shall become a carpenter instead."

Someone who knew Wittgenstein (can't remember who) said he missed his true calling which was to be a stand-up comic. Apparently he was a most observant and talented mimic.

Still the German-accent-goes-with-no-sense-of-humour is the stereotype, and against those we can not argue . . .

Ah go on, the Nagasaki Scissors. This is philosophy, the tone is immune from being lowered.

Ah, now I was concerned about the stereotype thing (not being very fond of them myself), and I figured that the no-sense-of-humour thing lay within Wittgenstein's persona, rather than his accent.

I.E. his lack of patience as a teacher in a primary school, his obsessive boughts of introspection, his writings of lengthy letters of 'confession' to colleagues etc.. I may be wrong, but I do not imagine he was, in the final analysis, a whole barrel of laughs.

And the speach patterns are kind of his too - and I deliberately didn't put any accent phonetics in. But I do apologise to any Germans or Austrians who might take offence, and if any is taken, please yikes and remove the thing.

Can anyone tell me what the Nagasaki Scissors are, he asks in a should_I_really_be_asking_this kind of way..