h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Absolutely"

"Well, why not?"

Why do I hear those words in the unmistakable clarion accents of Billy Connolly?

And why do they sound so . . . utterly charming?

Was it not Dustin Hoffman who said that Billy Connolly was as offensive as a fart that doesn't smell? I wish I could remember the exact quote.

Either way, It's dead good.

So here's to you , Billy Connolly
Dustin says you fart deilightfully
Hee hee hee
What's that you say, Billy Connolly
Dustin needs a nose job, I can see
Hee hee hee
Hee hee hee

So here's to you , Billy Connolly
Dustin says you fart delightfully
Hee hee hee
What's that you say, Billy Connolly
Dustin needs a nose job, I can see
Hee hee hee
Hee hee hee

Oops, pardon my stammer

I remember seeing a cartoon once. It said: What is God?

Well, he's very old, has a big grey beard, and is adored by millions. A bit like Billy Connolly without the swearing.

Do you know that for a fact? About the swearing, or lack of it, I mean?

He sware unto our forefather Abraham . . .

Just like Billy Connolly then, but perhaps not Scottish.

The elders of the Scottish Kirk were huddled at the gates of heaven, outraged that they had been refused entrance. In answer to their demands to know the grounds for such a miscarriage of justice, they were told that they transgressed the part of the law that required them to be charitable and forgiving. They had been harsh, litigious and stiff-necked; they had misjudged it totally. They began to wail and gnash their teeth, crying "Ach, Laird, we didna ken!"

A voice boomed out from the inner sanctum: "Well, ye ken the noo!"

i would laugh....
but i feel somehow insulted at the Scots reputation at being meen litigious and stiff necked...
puls we are as charitable and forgiving as any other nation....
this is just a case of an unfair steriotype....

Please, do not feel yourself bracketed with the elders of the Kirk, unless indeed you are one -- in which case date the story in the distant past; I'm sure to-day's elders are the soul of compassion.

If you will forgive a drunken and loudmouthed Irishman ( with mongrelly Scots/English blood mixed in there ) for adding his ( at the risk of being racist ) the sad truth of the matter is that we do tend to live down to our stereotypes on occasion.

e.g. my Scottish sister-in-law, from suburban Glasgow, at the time of my father's funeral on a cold winter's day, insisted that I bought for the after-service reception, not cocktail sausages, but ordinary full-sized sausages which she intended to twist in half. When I asked her why, with so much else to organise, she wanted us to spend time strangling sausages when we could simply buy the wretched things ready-made, she said, and I quote," But think of the expense!!!"
Weird Eh?

"we do tend to live down to our stereotypes"

This is so true and so sad. Dublin, where I live, is divided, like many cities, north-south; giving rise to such witticisms as "What do you call a northsider in a suit? The defendant".

At the same time I can say that parking my bike (frequently) even a few yards on the south side of the Liffey my pannier has never been rifled, and parking it (twice) even a few yards on the north side, it has been (twice).

It's so bloody true, and so bloody sad, we do exactly what is expected of us.

I'm not sure what stereotypes there are about me. English, from Cambridge. Perhaps I'm meant to be a smart@ss, which I am very guilty off, repeatedly.

Are you still recruiting?

"Yes, please get out of my light"

Diogynese the Cynic to Alexander the Great when the latter offered to perform the former any task he wished.

Welcome Dr Deckchair Funderlik, and a wonderful quote it is too! Diogenes was one of my first philosophical heroes. I also loved the story of him rolling his tub (his only possession) up and down the hill, while the men of the city prepared for war; he hadn't been entrusted with any duties, but didn't want to be the only one left out of all the bustle . . .

Bathtubs.... didn't Pyhrro the Sceptic have something to do with bathtubs or something? He wore one, and had to be protected from falling into chasms because he refused to believe that they existed.

I was wondering about the formal ritual of joining up to this thread. So, not having done so previously, here is a philosophical quote from the Katha Upanishad:

"Dhiro na sochati - The wise man does not grieve."

Or, a more recent twist by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi - "See the job, do the job, stay out of the misery."



Chaiwallah