h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*puts out the fire, soaking Terran in the process, then cringes awaiting the results*

Can I have a promotion for saving your life sir?

Erm... how about a saving-the-life-of-a-slightly-senile-senior-officer who-was-on-fire-in-the-Senior-Officers-Quarters-and-set-the-room-on-fire by-sitting-on-a-chair medal (Its disturbing actually how many of those medals have been handed out)?

Can I trade the long name in for a shorter name and a promotion? It is expensive engraving words and I would be saving the army money in the long run.

Okay... we'll create a new rank... just add Exciting Horse 1st class to whatever your current rank is (thats the senile bit...)

General would be nice. *whistles*

Oh what the hell... you've got the Gazpacho Regiment regiment anyway, so you might as well have the title to go with it... the phrase too many Generals come to mind (or was it cooks??).

I Terran Lord of all Terrania, keeper of the holy hand grenades, protector of the SEP's and head of the Time lord regiment, hereby proclaim upon you Aries the title of General of the Terranic Army ... to be misued by you as it has been misued by those who have gone before you... naming no names (points at Ralph, Rimmer.... and lots of random people who are no longer here)

Hey! I did my best dammit!

Arnold Judas Rimmer, you certainly get the award for most loyal member of the army! Now the problem I have now is when you dissappeared for ages I told Ralph he was second in command... cos he was... but technically you're second in command... cos you're almost a field-marshall yourself... so I have two second in commands... now theres nothing for it but a fight to the death between the both of you...

*cue Star Trek music*
So, it has come to this!
*grabs weird, alien weaponry*

*takes a rather scorched seat on the left-hand side of Terran*

Popcorn sir?

*arms himself with flaming Moes

*Shakes head*

They need a Nanny

Have you arrested Nova Rift yet? Popcorn?

*has a flaming homer*

Aaah, smooth. Now let's open up the Hotel of Pain! Conviently located near loserville! Well it's time to pay your bill and to check out your ass!

*looks around at people staring at him*

...what?

*Looks at Terrans burnt clothes and decides to begin pushing the boundaries of his rank*

Rimmer! No fair, you may not choose the battlefield. I will. Hmm...

The battlefield will be the Hotel of Pain, in loserville.

And there will be no checking out of other people rear possessions. Unless some one in a skirt happens to stop over an exhaust vent.

*looks around and realizes where the army went wrong*


Maybe I don't want my general promotion it seems that more trouble has been caused by the promotion of multiple members to the general rank and therefore I do not want to be involved so I therefore request a higher rank!


Sir!

Terran J Terrington, you are hereby arrested for the kidnap and murder of catmanthing, EvilClaw, the leader of the organization known alternatively as "the Evil Army" or "that there Army what is Evil." How do you plead?

*kidnaps EC and murders him*

That's that little disturbance sorted out.

When is this fight to the death between Ralph and Rimmer going to take place then? Hurry up chaps the food is getting cold and the crowd are already restless enough.

You can't kidnap and murder me! That throws the murder trial of Terran into complete disarray! Now he has an airtight alibi!