h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

it's all right there are millions of them!!!

it's always just me and you, i must have been evil in another life!

meet my destiny? cool, then it can tell me what’s gonna happen and i won't have to waste time making stupid decisions! i can spend more time buying shoes!

Hey what’s that??? *points over yonder hill*

*shoots bolt of lightning at CCC*

*Agent arrives, looking magnificent in his kilt and sporran, as the sun dips low behind the mighty pillars, casting his shadow long across the ground*

Any challengers worthy enough to face me?

*a metallic figure appears glinting in the sunshine and wearing full aromur. he approaches the top of his adversarie's shadow and stamps his foot on the gorund.*

stood on your head! ner ner!

so the God of Sheep comes into battle, hey? just so's you know my worshippers sacrifice lambs to me every day. what do your sheep do? sacrifice grass to you? this should be over in a jiffy!

*s a longbow and quiver, shoots off three shots in rapid succession at Agent*

*Agent catches the arrows in midair with his teeth, and slowly chews them to a soft pulp*

Mmm, quite tasty. Got any more?

*From behind one of the pillars a mean looking charges towards CCC, the thunder of his hooves rending the very air asunder*

Let's see how you cope with my exploding sheep

pulping arrows? so that's how you get to be God of Sheep eh?

*s an electric fence, the sheep touches it, turnsand runs back towards Agent and explodes>

you do realise i used to live near a farm? sheep don't scare me at all!

Maybe normal sized sheep don't worry you...

*The ground starts to shake, and cracks run along the ground. As the earth parts, a terrible fearsome hell-sheep rises up with awesome flaming horns*

My 50 feet tall fallen sheep will make short work of you

*Agent laughs maniacally as the advances upon the cowering chromey one*

*sits herself on a comfy rock and settles in with a to watch the show*

50 foot sheep eh?

i can combat that! as god of meanies and scallywags i command all people that are mean to sheep!

*s a 100 foot Welshman that scares the hell sheep away, the Welshman chases. as Agent is distacted a scallywag appears and steals Agent's sporrin*

Where's my sporran (note the spelling, oh grammatically challenged one) gone?

*Agent notices a scallywag running off with it, and soars majestically into the air, before frying aforementioned scallywag with a bolt of lightning from his arse, swooping down and reattaching it*

Now I have my sporran back, I am invincible!!!

*Laughs maniacally whilst doing a Strip the Willow in midair*

I'm really mad now, C - you're mine

*Whizzes C round in circles and thoroughly disorients him*

can't wait to see your Dashing White Sergeant if your Strip the willow is that lethal! Or your Gay Gordons!!!!

Any spare s Deaks?

a what the what? and a who the how?

*s himself clear of Agent and his crazy assed dancing. orients himself, by ing a katana and a cool Japanese head band. Talks in a badly dubbed style.*

you want to fight? fight me!

*lips still moving. they stop.*

have at you, you dog!

*CCC charges with the katana whipping past Deakie, drying her sweat with the wind . he spins as he nears Agent and takes a swipe as Agent ducks, cutting off a tuft of hair.*

*Deakie budges up to give Ferret room on the rocks and hands over a spare *

Fun this, innit?

*looks seriously at C and says*

I know kung fu

*s a bamboo stick and cool oriental robe, sticks hand out palm up, then gives C the finger*

That katana is sharper than you - but it won't slice my godly exterior.

*Zooms under C's katana and whacks him on the testicles with his staff*

OOOOOHHHH, low blow! That looked like it hurt!

*DIIIINNGGG! The reverberations make Agent drop the pole*

you forget that i am chromecovered my friend. i feel no pain!

*CCC sheaths the katana and places on his head the Helm Of Hades, making him invisible to all, gods and mortals alike. mysteriously Agent's kilt falls around his ankles, much to the humour of Ferret and Deaks. An invisible force then lifts agent clear off the ground and throws him into one of the ancient stones. it crumbles to dust as the god collides with it. a large net then appears and bounds Agent to the floor. an invisible force picks up the dropped stick and proceeds to hit Agent in the gonads, repeatedly. the stick then drops to the floor.*

*Agent crawls from the rubble, moaning as he does so. Getting slowly to his feet, he spits blood contemptuously onto the ground, before taking a deep breath and looking squarely into CCC's eyes*

You want to play? Let's play.

*Agent charges at C, in his outstretched hand a can opener. He quickly cuts open C's suit and pours sheep urine and droppings in, before quickly welding it shut again. Finally, he picks C up and shoogles him around before casting him casually to the ground and soaring upwards in triumphant glee*

How do you like them apples?

Oooh this is gonna be a good one!

*s a couple of cushions and a large pitcher of as well as some to watch the entertainment with*

*CCC glances at the poor chromecoveredclone soiled by Agent. presses the self destruct mechanism and the clone melts. still invisible to all due to the Helm of Hades he booms*

shoogle? what's a flipping shoogle?!

*Agent soars triumphantly still, believeing he has destroyed his foe when suddenly an invisible force knocks him flying backwards, he crashes into the outside of the ring of stones creating a crater and sending Deakie's flying and spills her . CCC appears as he removes the helm. CCC calls upon the elements and a torrent of rain pours down on Agent, getting him stuck in the mud*

in the dirt like your followers, sheep boy!

*shakes the and from her clothes*

I was only spectating but you had to get me involved, didn't you?

*picks up CCC who has taken his helm off, shoogles him til his brains start rattling in his chromecoveredhead and then throws him to lie dazed and broken at Agent's feet*

Agent, sort him out now, I'm off to get changed out of these dirty clothes!